gone

my grandson's father-in-law passed away last night and it reminded me once again how tentative life is.  he'd spent the evening dancing and having a nice time but then his damaged heart failed him.  he was 69 years old.

no time is right and every time seems too soon for us to leave this world for the unknown of afterlife.  when someone takes their last breath, their pain is over but it's only the beginning of heartache for their loved ones left behind.  i didn't know this man very well but i do know how much his daughter loved him and will miss him terribly as she carries on through life.  

now comes the time for family to band together to help her through the process of funeral and grieving.  she's fortunate to have a strong, loving husband to lean on and two sweet babies to give her a reason to hold herself together but it won't be easy.  losing a parent is like losing a part of your past.  she also has two wonderful brothers who will no doubt carry the heaviest load of making arrangements and taking care of all the family, maybe putting their own grieving on hold until all is done.  

as a family, they will draw together and gain strength and support from each other. that's what families do.  

how i met your father

no-one but my daughters and maybe my grandchildren will be interested in this but i think it's blogworthy.

i first met wayne, dennis' brother, at a teen dance i regularly attended on friday nights.  it was march of 1956 and i was still just 15 years old but thinking i knew it all...normal thinking for most 15 year olds.  i liked wayne immediately because he was so sweet but never considered him "boyfriend" material, probably because he was the same age as me and i preferred older guys.

once while dancing with wayne, he pointed to a beautiful young man who stood swaying drunkenly in the doorway.  "that's my brother", said wayne.  "he gets drunk all the time and beats up his girlfriends".  you can imagine how disinterested i then was in his brother!  None of this was true, of course, but how was i to know when i could see that mr. gorgeous was obviously drunk.  

shortly after, my girlfriend, eleanor, and i were at my house when wayne phoned and asked me to go on a good friday hike with him.  normally i would have declined but eleanor and i were in a giddy, 15 year old mood so i agreed to go if eleanor could go also.

good friday arrived and i, decked out in cute ballet shoes just perfect for a hike in the snowy, march woods, walked out to the car.  dennis stepped out and ushered me into the front bench seat before wayne could get me into the back seat with him.  i was wary of dennis because of what wayne had told me but began to get a different vibe from him.  i sensed a gentleness and goodness about him...my esp at work.  i noticed his hard working hands...he worked with sheet metal at the time...and that seemed manly to me.

during the hike, dennis stayed close and even carried me and my cute ballet shoes over a stream.  he almost dropped me into it but managed to save us both.

dennis was quietly strong.  that's how i saw him then and that's how he always was his whole life.  he was dependable and reliable, something i needed in my life.  if he had a fault in my 15 year old eyes it was that he wasn't the best kisser but i taught him how to do it right.

no, he wasn't a drunk and seldom drank at all.  and, no, he wasn't a girlfriend beater because he was just too gentle a soul for that.  he married me when he was 20 and i was 17 and he entered fatherhood at 21.  he cared for all of us until the day he died on july 20, 2005.  

and that's how i met your father!

note:  i just read this beautiful quote and thought how well it fit here.

"just because it didn't last forever doesn't mean it wasn't worth it".

still able

it's funny how some jobs seem monumental and too overwhelming to even begin but just do one little chore, and then another, and in time it all becomes doable.

granted, i'm limited to what i can lift and move because of the broken wrist but i'm not a quadriplegic so i can perform some tasks.  i've made a list of all the tiny little chores needing attention before i leave for florida and it's surprising that few require heavy lifting and can be done at my pace and interest.

because i've developed the habit of preparing for florida in september, i felt as though i really needed all that time to get things done but i neglected to note that i probably only devoted minutes to each task.  also, many of the tasks were carried out by telephone and cheque writing, all of which are one handed work.

it all boils down to needing help to lash the patio table to the deck, put the deck planters on the floor, unpot the geraniums and clean the soil off (they go to florida with me so this has to be done no more than 2 days before i leave), and putting my suitcase into the trunk of the car...not much when you think about it and i might even be able to look after the geraniums.

i've often admired the abilities i've witnessed in real handicapped people and can identify with their feeling that, if they want it done, they'll try to find a way to do it themselves.  there's such a feeling of accomplishment when you do for yourself but there's no shame in accepting help with what is impossible for you to do.

i thank the heavens for my girls and how they've made every effort to be here for me but i'm equally thankful that my injury will soon heal and they won't have to give up so much of their free time doing for me.  we all need help once in a while but we also need to do what we can for ourselves or we'll end up being overly dependant on our loved ones and that's not fair to them.

anyway, in 20 days my cast comes off and i can put this whole unfortunate episode behind me.  in 29 days i leave for florida.  i'm a lucky lady.

      

you are what you do

i'm going to paraphrase something i heard today that struck home for me.

you are part and parcel of every single deed you have done in your life.  there is no way to escape the facts of right or wrong you have committed. they exist.

i don't like looking back on my so called sins but i do acknowledge them, often with a shudder that i could actually have done or said such awful things.  the only thing we can gain from acknowledging past errors is to learn from them and search within ourselves to change the thought process that created the bad behaviour.

my personal sins are pretty mild compared to that of a serial killer but they need to be dealt with in the same way.  go deep inside to understand what drove you to them and change what you can in yourself.  my upbringing was rife with inconsistencies and that frustrated me to no end.  frustration with the illogical has been one of my crosses to bear all of my life but, once i understood that it wasn't my job to realign the world,  the inner stress and tension i carried was lifted.  in other words, i started to work on myself instead of feeling the need to fix others.

i swear that since i've begun my own self improvement i have gradually become a better person.  it doesn't delete the wrongs i've done but i think i'll be leaving this world a lot closer to the kind of person i was meant to be.  i just need about a hundred more years to complete the job.   

    

average household

i heard on the news this morning that the composition of an average household is changing and what used to be mom, dad, and 2 or 3 kids is now the minority.

i grew up in a household that consisted of mom, gramma, grampa, sister, and me...sort of unusual for the time but i knew many people with the same kind of household.  ours was definitely a result of poverty but i think similar households of today are more the result of choice.

single moms and dads who have good relationships with their parents can benefit in many ways by combining their households, financially as well as socially.  the influx of immigrant families where it is the norm for a household to consist of many generations might also be an influence.  it can be a joy if it works and a disaster if it doesn't.

i loved my mother but she would have driven me crazy if she lived in my house.  it would have been like having a 110 lb.  roomba (not sure if that's how you spell the little doodad that scoots around your house mindlessly vacuuming) constantly at work.  added to that was her all consuming need to have my complete attention at all times and i'm sure it would have led to a nervous breakdown...or matricide.  

i like living alone but it's not my preference.  i'd love to have a jovial companion who is also a great handyman but they seem to be in short supply for ladies of my age and weight.  any way, second best is living by myself and having friends and family close by.  the freedom this gives me is perfect.

households of 2 dads or 2 moms (gay couples) simply befuddle me.  i know they exist but it just doesn't seem right.  households where the wife works and the dad looks after the children also seems odd but there is some logic to it.

in the end, a household can consist of many different combinations and it really doesn't matter too much what they are as long as there is harmony in the family.  

a favorite child?

on the news today, a man declared that he, in truth, has a favorite child and that other parents do, too, but won't admit it.

i'll bet that many kids think their parents have a favorite child but that's not the case with me...and i really hope with most parents.  i was crazy in love with kim when  she was born and worried all through my pregnancy with cindy that there wouldn't be enough love left for her.  lo, and behold, my capacity to love another child simply expanded once she was born.  i had no doubts when i became pregnant with shelley because i'd learned that we human beings have an infinite capacity for love.

as far as i can tell, i love my children equally but for who they are as individuals.  all of them are wonderful in their own way.  i guess it's possible for a parent to have a nasty natured child that they don't much care for but i'm a lucky mother of 3 terrific daughters.

no, i just don't understand the concept of having a favorite child and i believe the father who publicly aired that he does has a deep set cruel streak.  my heart goes out to his other child.  

child abuse

most of my blogs are tangents of thinking about something i've just read or seen.  on facebook this morning was a photo showing a young child cowering from an adult holding a belt, obviously about child abuse.  i still remember being whipped with a belt, razor strop or skipping rope when i was a child and how horribly painful it was.

back in the 1940's beating the crap out of your child with a belt was a rather common disciplinary tactic that was legal.  the wielder of the weapon in my case was my grandmother but i know without doubt that she loved me with all her heart and was only doing what she thought was right.  i don't remember doing much that was wrong but i did have a big, sassy mouth that often got me into trouble.

over time, a bit of logic crept into the way we should discipline children and adults realized that violence either breeds violence or chronic passivity in a child.  neither are what the beater has in mind.

i remember going to school with wide welts on my legs from a beating.  no teacher commented or called a child abuse hotline because that's just how it was in those days.  the beatings had a strange, lingering effect on me, leaving me completely unable to witness any kind of physical or vocal violence without feeling as though i'll faint.  it's always been one of my worries that i'd simply freeze up if i was attacked.  i hope that my temper would flare and save the day if that should ever happen.

i now believe that spanking is child abuse but that's how i disciplined my children when they were young.  when i didn't spank i yelled and that is also abusive.  i evolved a bit more when my grandchildren came along and limited discipline to the occasional yelling...this was mainly with matthew and not a soul on earth would fault me for losing my temper with him when he was a child.  he's a sweetheart now but he was hell on wheels when he was younger.

today i have two beautiful greatgrandchildren and i can't even imagine spanking or yelling at them.  i've learned how well "time out" works, giving both the child and the parent time to cool down and learn the best way to handle a situation.

violence never was the answer when it came to discipline because what we want to achieve is understanding and not physical fear of the person who is supposed to love and nurture us.  i don't hold any hatred or resentment towards my grandmother because she did what she did in ignorance.  i'm just glad that we've learned from mistakes like hers. 



   

wider horizons

my three granddaughters are attending university, one specializing in international affairs, one in international business, and the other in engineering.  it astounds me how much this differs from the expectations of my own generation where most of the females opted for secretarial or teaching careers.

remember the women's liberation movement when strong and forward thinking women took to the streets and openly demanded equal opportunities with the male population?  i thought they were a bit whacky at the time but grew to realize they were making logical demands that would benefit all women.  it is a direct result of the efforts of those women in the 1960's that has opened up the world for today's women and i hope they appreciate this.

my generation of women were unfairly restricted by the accepted mores of that time but thank heavens for the ones who could see clearly and were tough enough to make the decision to drag us into a world with wider horizons.  it was too late for me to develop the ambition to reach my own potential but it's given the younger generation that opportunity and they're reaching for the stars.

who would have thought that a bunch of hippies burning their bras and marching through the city streets would have enlightened enough followers to change our world for the better? 

ikea lamps

now this might not be everyone's cup of tea when it comes to livingroom lamps but i'm in love!  i knew exactly the shape i wanted...tubular or columnar...but couldn't find one i wanted to live with.  the few i did find were too expensive or just not right.  the other day i went onto the ikea website and saw these lamps, liked them a lot but thought they might be too short at 19".  the price...$25...also had me wondering about the quality.

my sweet kim picked me up this morning at 7 A.M. to help me with the yard sale at the salvation army, stuck it out till 11:30 and then offered to take me to ikea.  bless her!  we packed everything up and kim toted it all down to the rec room and we took off for ikea.  we only did the main floor because my energy was draining fast but it was long enough for me to find the lamps and buy them.    

i couldn't believe it but they came in small flat boxes and ended up being a sort of build-it-yourself lamp.  i was in no hurry to put them together but kim's curiosity couldn't wait so she quickly assembled them in no time at all.  i just love them and know they'll look perfect on my danish modern end tables once i get them sanded and stained in the spring.

i think they're pretty darned cool and you can't beat the price.

one more milestone

since i was able to pull on underwear yesterday, i figured i must be able to pull on pants/capris, too, so that's what i did today.  how nice to be wearing clothes like a human being again.  it also gives my state of mind a lift, too, as i see these improvements.

speaking of my state of mind, i do have a good one almost all of the time.  disappointments in events or people don't keep me down for long but i don't forget how different i was when i had depression.  in those days, the slightest disappointment devastated me.  how awful to live like that.  the difference i see these days is that i'm able to see beyond the moment of disappointment or worry and to realize that there is light at the end of the tunnel.  there's the old saying that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger and i believe that is possible if you have faith that things can and will get better.

kim told me that a co-worker's husband is going through lip skin cancer treatment and is allowing his mental suffering to get him down.  she told her that she could call me for support but she hasn't so far.  another thing i believe in wholeheartedly is that it will help to speak to someone who has or is having the same problem.  i know that john and shelley have helped numerous people because of their experience with john's leg amputation.  there's never any reason to go through a traumatic experience alone because there is always someone willing to ease your way.

deep disappointment in the actions of someone you love or care a lot for can often be harder to deal with because their actions can't be changed or healed.  it happened and nothing can change that.  you can re-admit them to your life but the dynamics of your relationship won't be the same.  i don't really know if it's a fault of mine or something perfectly normal but, once i lose trust in someone, it never comes back.  i admire people who are more forgiving than i am but secretly think they're not being realistic.  it isn't wise to place your trust in someone who has proven untrustworthy.

oh well, life is full of every emotion under the sun and my choice for today is to enjoy my little success of again being able to wear underwear and capris.  any disappointments in any other category just aren't too important at this moment in time.  

   

healing well

i had my check-up this afternoon and the wrist was exrayed...it's healing well.  they removed the plaster cast to replace it with a lighter weight fibreglass one and i got a look at my arm and incision.  the wrist is straight now but there is a wire protruding from it.  i'd been told prior to surgery that they might need to use screws or wires but it had been covered over with the previous cast so i didn't know it was there.  i asked how painful it would be to remove later on and was PROMISED that i'd hardly feel it.  we'll see.

the new cast will be removed on oct. 18th and i'll buy a removable wrist support from the hospital.  the timing of all this is pretty good and i phoned donna as soon as i got home for her to go ahead and buy her return plane ticket from florida.  she's driving down with me and we were concerned that the wrist might hold us up.  sometimes things do work out well. 

another milestone

whoopee!  i can get my underwear on!  it hurts a bit to manipulate my left hand and wrist but it can now be done and that's a vast improvement from just a few days ago.  i just have to be careful not to over-twist my hand.

i don't know about men but i'll bet that most women my age would be terribly uncomfortable going out in public with no underwear on.  you're covered by outer clothing but you still feel naked.  it's early years conditioning that we can't escape.

nick is picking me up in half an hour to take me to the fracture clinic for a check-up and i'll find out then how well i'm healing. i just don't want any bad news that will keep me from heading south as planned.  people keep telling me horror stories about bone fractures that weren't healing right and had to be rebroken and reset.  my advice to everyone is to keep horror stories to yourselves.  it doesn't help.

wish me luck!

furniture placement

this is my new leather sofa and granite coffee table...they'll be the last ones i ever buy!  i didn't have time to refinish the teak end tables so that's a job for next spring.  the old stuffed chair has been placed awkwardly but it's just temporary while i'm in the cast.  it will end up in my bedroom...i love it!

my plans for next year are to buy new lamps (tubular) and a glider/rocker in some kind of busy print.  i also need a new picture or mirror for over the sofa.  i love this one but it's fading out from all the sunlight i get in this room.  the large white spot on it now is from the camera flash, though.

we don't buy new furniture often so it's fun to do it over a space of time, not feeling rushed.  i got it into my head that i'd love to have tubular lamps and i've seen a lot of them over the summer but none that were right for me.  i may have to settle...but not till next year.

hit a milestone

never having a cast on before, it's interesting to discover the milestones that follow the healing process.  when every bone in my arm ached i know i walked around like an invalid, expecting that's how the full six weeks in a cast would be.

the night before last, i was awakened by a severe pain in the break and feared i'd broken it again but was surprised to find how good it felt all day yesterday.  again, in the middle of last night, the same thing happened.  i'm thinking that maybe, as it's healing, i'm moving around more in my sleep and it's a sudden movement that hurts.

i got up this morning feeling almost normal, almost zero ache in the arm, and have no doubt this is because a nice degree of healing has taken place.  it's given me a new lease on life to experience definite progress in healing.  

pain turns you into a different person than you really are.  anyone with a personality like mine might wallow in it, feeling sorry for themselves and mired in a situation they can't see ending any too soon.  but give me hope and i easily drag myself up and out.  4 weeks to go...maybe i'll figure out a way to put underwear on.

pain affecting mind

i was awakened in the middle of the night by an exceptionally  sharp stab of pain in the vicinity of the break and it scared the beejezus out of me.  my mind went rampant, thinking the break had somehow separated...i was told it was now held together with metal strips but i can't even imagine what that looks like.  then i wondered if the incision had let go.  i'm continuing to have those sharp pains in the same spot so thank heavens i have my check-up in 2 days. my greatest hope is that the break is in place and healing well...but my fears will haunt me until i know for sure.

i have a very active imagination and usually fear the worst.  i worry about things that could or could not happen.  it's a curse!

not everyone is like this and i'm so jealous of people who can glide through life unhindered by often groundless fears.  aeron went skydiving on her holidays and i'm really proud that she has the guts to experience something like that.  her life will be fuller than mine ever could have been because she isn't overly fearful of expanding her horizons.  we should all be like her.

then i read on facebook that marilee described me as demure.  i was shocked because somewhere inside me is an unconventional wild woman just aching to make her appearance.  unfortunately, she's buried under tons of fears, both real and unrealized so she might not ever see the light of day.

sigh! 

leon's..yeah!..sears..boo!

leon's service man, randy, came today to either replace the legs on table 2 or give me table 3 but it turned out that table 2 was just fine and only needed a little elbow grease to attach the legs.  he was pleasant, helpful, and knowledgeable so i'm giving leon's kudos for excellent service.

the whole shebang has to have cost leon's more than i paid for the table but the good service will send me back there for furniture i intend to buy in the future.

what a difference from when i bought the fridge from sears a few years ago and the door magnets were so strong that the fridge pulled away from the wall when the door was opened.  i had them replace fridge 1, thinking it was just a problem with it alone but then had the same problem with fridge 2.  i called the appliance manager and told her i wanted it replaced with a completely different model..i'd pay the difference in price...and she flatly refused, saying that they'd replaced the fridge once and wouldn't do it again.  it took a conversation with the store manager to have it replaced but i'd still not buy anything large from sears again.

customer service is so important in a business that, if it isn't up to par, there are plenty of other places to shop.  i transferred my major purchase shopping to leon's and it paid off.

lady ga ga's fur coat

when lady ga ga wore a fur/fake fur coat, she was asked if it was real or not, apparently by people who are fanatic about such things.  it reminded me of the crazies who took it upon themselves to throw paint over women wearing fur coats a few years back.

i wonder if we'll ever see the day when the crazies will attack people pushing their pork chop laden grocery carts to the car.

it's about as whacky as the thousands of people around the world who are rioting and murdering because a film exists ridiculing their god.  

we humans have a long way to go before we can be considered a civilized race.

wow, have i lived a sheltered life

now i like stand up comedy better than most folks but i'm having a little trouble lately watching female skits where we hear a little/lot more personal stuff than seems necessary.  in fact, if i keep watching this kind of comedy i might end up my days with perpetually raised eyebrows.

my interest in human psychology draws me to stand-up comedy.  why do people laugh and cheer when a comedian talks about poop and uses the "f" word?  i can understand a self conscious giggle but a full out cheer seems kind of suspicious.  what the hell is wrong with those people?

i watched  a comedian this morning who had me giggling along with the audience as he spoke candidly and funnily about his ex girlfriends...nothing salacious but just true human comedy.  then he strayed into joking about how he would act like a pedophile to shock people.  it creeped me out so much that i changed channels.  some things just aren't humorous.

back to female comics...i think some are becoming even more outrageous in their topics because they feel they need to do this in order to be successful.  let's hope this isn't true.  i've seen a lot of female comics who are hilarious without being disgusting.

workmanship

this a really pretty coffee table that i purchased from leon's.  the first one arrived with a big chunk out of the top...i assumed it was dropped somewhere along the way.  this is the replacement that arrived yesterday.

kim and nick came over today to put it together for me and couldn't understand why the legs wouldn't fit into their slots properly.  then they realized that the screw holes had been drilled into the opposite side of the legs than they should have been.  the only way to insert the legs was to have screw holes showing on the outside...just ridiculous.

i called leon's and told them i wanted a refund because i wasn't going to accept a 3rd table so they offered to send me a technician on monday to make it all right.

i can't help but think how expensive these problems of poor workmanship and poor handling must be for a company but the table comes from china and i'll bet the people who made it work for pennies.  we north americans want good quality for cheap prices so it's our own fault.  the table is really pretty and the price was low but i'm still not keeping it if it's crappy.  the new furniture i've just bought and will be buying over the next year or so will see me out.  in other words, this is my last hurrah!

professional athlete's salaries

not being a sports nut, i have no idea what it costs for a ticket to see a professional football, hockey or baseball game these days but i do know that the athletes can earn millions of dollars per year.  in other years we've had delayed seasons because the athletes are demanding more money than the club owners are willing to part with and this season it's the hockey players who are digging in their heels.

now i really couldn't care less if a game admission was $10 or $100 but i know there are fans who are having to dig awfully deep into their pockets if they want to see a game with their families.  these fans are the sports enthusiasts who make the team and players popular and who provide them with what might seem like exorbitant income to the average person.

i'm wondering when the players' demands will hit that brick wall where even the most die hard fan will just walk away and find another pastime to throw themselves into?  will the whole sports industry fall into ruins or will they regroup and become a reasonable activity financially available to the people who fund them?

it's quite easy to walk away when the cost of an interest or activity exceeds the contents of your wallet.  in all honesty, i don't think most fans have hit that wall yet (one of the reasons for sky high credit card bills)...but it could happen at any time.