Bird's Nest

I've battled the darned sparrows all summer long trying to deter them from laying eggs on the balcony.  As they would begin building a nest, I'd dismantle it and actually thought I was winning.  I thought that, without a nice big nest in a planter, the sparrows would build one somewhere else to lay their eggs.  No.  They laid the eggs on a pretty barren floor of my magnificent geranium so now the geranium is lost.  I can't water it because of the eggs.

If anything, this epic battle with the tiny sparrows has taught me that nature will always win out.

After A Death

I was a basket case while Donna was in the hospital because, in my heart, I believed there had to be something I could discover to save her.  It about drove me up the wall when the staff removed all nutrition...I felt she could survive if they just gave her more time.  This feeling didn't go away even after she passed.

As the days have gone on, I think of her constantly and the huge space she occupied in my long life but the tears are gone now.  I wonder where where she is and hope it's a good place where I'll find her when my time comes.

As each day passes, I don't miss her less but I accept the reality that she really has passed away and there's nothing I can do to change that.  I remember following this same path of emotions when others have died and maybe it's nature's way of healing us.  We can't wallow in grief for too long or it's debilitating...each death will affect us for a different length of time, though.  I'm sure Donna never quite escaped the grief of losing Jill.

Death comes to us all in the end and it seems it never comes at the right time.  I don't know if it's because we cling to life or fear the unknown of death.  It's got to be harder for an atheist to give up their life but I'm an agnostic with doubts and hopes.  I do believe in an afterlife.  

And today I'll think of Donna again and remember the good times.

Family Reunion

This is going to be so much fun!  I love New Brunswick and know that it really should have been my birthplace...I wouldn't be surprised if I found out my "father" had been born there.

I'm almost packed.  We'll have a washer and dryer in our rental cottage so I don't have to go overboard with clothes.  I'm taking a small suitcase and a garment bag and that should do me just fine.

Cindy said they have a brunch planned for my birthday on Aug. 5 before everyone heads off to their travelling.  I'm staying on at the cottage for the week and Marilee is coming to stay with me.  Tyson will also be there most of the time, too.  Such a great family time!!

Our bunch all get back on the Friday and we'll be heading home in our respective vehicles, driving straight through.  I know it will be good to be back home in my own bed but I'm going to miss N.B.  Dennis' family there has always made me feel as though I'm a part of their family so I never feel like an outsider.  

There will be family from the States, too, all coming together to celebrate their connection to the Neilson clan (Ferne is one of the daughters).  I'm not sure who is left of that original family but they sure were prolific to have progeny coming from all over Canada and the States.  The Neilsons were originally from Denmark and came through the States to settle in New Denmark, New Brunswick about 100 years ago.  They took rocky, barren land and turned it into the most beautiful farmland possible.  It's a little too far north for a day trip, though, but I'm hoping one day Nick will see that the little boys get to visit the New Denmark museum and see their heritage.

Maybe these family reunions thrill me so much because I have so little family background myself.  It's nice to be connected even if it is by marriage to such a wonderful group of people.

Don't Like

I was asked yesterday if I'm going to the yard sale at Donna's house and I was horrified.  The very thought of going through Donna's things is truly horrifying to me even though I know it has to be done before the house is put up for sale.  She's bequeathed her monk's cloth to me and Faye and that I can handle because we're the only ones who can do it justice.  Anything else will have to be done away from my eyes because it would break my heart to see it.

When I used to yard sale, I sometimes went to estate sales and felt a terrible guilt even though I didn't know the people whose things I was going through.  All I could think of is that, in the recent past, a living person treasured these items and probably never believed a day would come when strangers would be pawing over them.

Donna kept a lovely neat and tidy home with carefully selected knickknacks that meant something special to her.  Her garden was one of the most beautiful I've ever seen.  This was her "home".  It is so unbearably sad. 

Heat Wave

Growing up we never had air conditioning of any kind but I did live in an old house converted to apartments that had 10' ceilings.  I don't remember it being unbearably hot there at any time but we also never had the kind of heat waves we're experiencing now.  

Kids probably handle heat waves better than adults because they're active and concentrating on being kids instead of paying attention to the weather.  Being the old gal that I am, the heat hits me like a sledge hammer as soon as I walk out of an air conditioned building.  I concentrate on getting to my air conditioned car as quickly as I can!

I have my doubts about global warming because we had a very cool spring but suffering through weeks in the summer of 90+ weather is definitely not normal for this climate.  If anything, I do believe we're having extremes of weather we haven't had a decade or so ago.  

As I sit in my comfy apartment with the air conditioner and fans keeping it cool, I always think about just how many seniors are out there with no air conditioning at all and no funds to buy even a little window air conditioner.  I know there must be a lot of them.  I haven't heard of any unnecessary deaths caused by the heat yet but I'll bet there have been some.

One of my fears is that my window unit will break down (it's now 6 years old) in the middle of a heat wave and I won't be able to find a new one in the stores.  Stores did run out of the window units a few years ago and right in the middle of a serious heat wave.  I've seriously thought of buying a new one and storing it until needed.

Well, today it will be slightly cooler and there is some cloud cover so I've taken that opportunity to open the doors and windows to let some fresh air into the apartment.  We will have decent weather for the rest of the week and the rest of summer looks to be nice also.  I hope!

Some Will and Some Won't Believe

I felt Donna's presence in my home all day yesterday.  It was a very peaceful experience, no talking but just a quiet and peaceful companionship.  It doesn't matter one bit that some will put this down to a vivid imagination.  I guess I'm open to the after death visions and feelings I've had and maybe that's why I have them.  I felt she was letting me know she was at peace.

When Donna was in the hospital and off life support, one of the things I asked of her is that she come back and let me know what she found.  She said she didn't know where she was going but I told her she was going to my "garden" (afterlife garden).  

I wish we could have kept her here but fate took over.  Wherever she is, I hope she's happy.

Donna's Passing

I've spent much of the past few weeks visiting Donna at the hospital and most of that time believing she would recover but it wasn't to be.  Donna passed away this morning.

I consider myself a very lucky person to have enjoyed Donna's friendship for 62 years.  Just think how long that is and how ingrained we became as friends.  I have a lifetime of memories with Donna and, believe me, we survived some rough times.  Donna had a perfect little son, Todd, and then what we thought was a perfect little daughter, Jill, but it turned out that Jill was severely handicapped for her 44 years of life.  Donna and Frank cared for her at home and gave her all the love they could.

Todd married and had his 2 sons, Mitchell and Ryan, and that gave Donna 2 more offspring to love.  She took care of them while their parents worked even while giving Jill the extensive care she needed.  I believe those were happy years for Donna.

After Jill passed away a couple of years ago, Donna had more free time and we started meeting on Tuesday afternoons for Swedish weaving, tea and home made goodies (made by Faye or Donna), and lots of chatting and laughter.  Those were precious times and I'm grateful we had them.

Donna held strong when her leg was amputated a few weeks ago because the infection prevented her from having the heart surgery she desperately needed.  We though she was recovering well but her heart was just too damaged.

Her mind remained lucid right up to the end and I know she left this world knowing how much she was loved by her family and friends.  That is all that counts in this world and I wish more people could understand that.  Nothing matters except the love of family and friends.

I look at her sitting spot on the end of my sofa and I smile because the memories are so good.  We didn't know it at the time just how memorable those moments would be for those of us left behind.  Treasure your moments!

Lost At The Casino

Honestly, if you want to forget your worries or concerns for a little while, go to the casino.  I needed a big escape yesterday and decided to go driving.  That's usually a good escape for me when I don't want to dwell on unpleasant things but my driving took me too close to a casino so that's where I ended up.

There was no excitement or happy anticipation as I walked in, just the knowledge that, even for just a little while, I would soon be concentrating only on the slot machine in front of me.  I know this is silly and selfish in a way but it was also a harmless way to ease my mind.  If I lost, I could afford it and, if I won, good.  I had no intention of losing much because I also had no intention of staying there very long.  As it turned out, I stayed 5 hours and lost $60 so it was money well spent (or lost).

I am in depression but it's an understandable state right now and hopefully won't last too long.  I'm losing Donna who has been part of my life since I was 17 years old and that's not easy for anyone.  It would be odd if I wasn't depressed.  It's that awful feeling of helplessness that comes when what we see as an oncoming tragedy is beyond our control to stop.  I hate every second of this, more because it's sort of come out of the blue.

We oldsters hurt the most when one of our beloved senior family passes away because we're losing part of our history, part of our very existence, and we see ourselves fading away, too.  We don't fear our own impending deaths...that's not what bothers us.  We worry that just maybe the people who believe all life ends with death are right.  I don't believe that.  I believe in some kind of hereafter because that's what makes sense to me.

And so I took my miserable little self to the casino yesterday, any place to rid my mind of such constant sadness.   

Life Force

It's always amazed me how strong our life force is.  When I pull up to a stop light and see a little weed that has forced itself up through the concrete, it's a reminder of just why we're here.  We are alive and that gives us super strength to stay alive.

You hear of people who have been trapped in rubble for days and who survive the experience...that's the life force in them that doesn't give up easily.  Even at the worst of times, when we're near death, that damned life force keeps us hanging on long after we've given up in our minds.  The body refuses to give up.

There has to be a reason for this.  There has to be a reason why we're here in the first place.  There has to be a reason why too many of us waste the opportunity of the life that's been granted to us.  Why do we endanger this precious life by going to war against our fellow man?  Why do some of us gain pleasure from taking another's life?  

In the end, even that indomitable life force will fade away and we'll leave this world for the unknown.  All of the hatred and pettiness we've allowed ourselves to be involved in will be meaningless.  The only things that will matter in the end is the good we've accomplished.  This life is important even if we don't know the reason why. 

My Corner of the World

I've surrounded my little home with the things that make me smile...flowers and glass.  Every piece of glass or pottery on the table was purchased second hand, either from a yard sale, second hand store, or from Ebay.  None of it cost very much at all but is priceless for the happiness it gives me.

The Swedish weaving table runner is one I just finished for myself and it, too, makes me smile when I see it.  I like pretty things and they don't have to be expensive, just pleasing to the eye.

The flowers I've arranged on the end of the balcony so that I can see them constantly from inside, too.  It's important to make your home a sanctuary, a haven away from the toils and troubles of the world. 

Sad

Donna is one of my dearest and oldest friends.  We've known each other since she was 15 and I was 17 and I've always felt we had an awful lot in common except she's the quiet one and I'm sort of loud.  It has always been a comforting and familiar time when we get together because we know each other so well and know the trials and tribulations of 2 quite long lifetimes.  Now she's not doing so well and needing 2 very serious surgeries. 

We've always joked about how Donna has outlived all of her relatives by at least 20 years and that it might be because of the supplements she takes.  She's very knowledgeable about supplements and what is good for whatever and she takes them religiously.  They haven't helped with her diabetes and that is one of the problems right now.  She has a terrible infection in her foot (common to diabetics) and can't have the heart valve surgery she needs unless the infection is cleared up.  After many months of trying to clear the infection, it's been decided she will have her leg amputated below the knee.  After this and after she has healed well enough she will have the heart surgery.  It is so much trauma for her body but she's one tough old broad who can see it through!

I love Donna.  She has been such a wonderful friend all these years and it worries me about what she is about to face.  I squawk all the time about my petty little aches and pains but this is seriously real!  I'm agnostic so I can't pray for her but I sure can send my energy out in in the form of healing thoughts.  It's almost like we're facing a marathon...first to heal from the amputation and then to heal from heart surgery.  Donna is 75 years old and I'm wondering just how strong her mental determination is to overcome these two hurdles.  

The first surgery will be within days so I have to gather up all the healing energy I can to surround her.  Shelley said that John would be a good person to explain to both Frank and Donna what the aftermath of the surgery will be like and that will be very helpful.  Frank has been such a loving and caring husband to Donna so she's very lucky to have him around to aid in her recovery.

Stress wears me out, Donna, so you have to recover quickly or I might end up in a hospital bed next to you.  LOL!

Seriously, please recover fast, my friend, because we have many things to talk and laugh about in future years.

Update:  Donna finally had her first surgery yesterday and is doing fine.  Now to heal up for the next surgery which will be to replace the heart valve.     

Pain After Root Canal

Whoever would have thought you could have any problem with your tooth after you've had a root canal?  I assumed that, since the root was now dead, that the real tooth was gone and only the space covered up with a crown, I had no further worries about that tooth.  Apparently not.

I've had 2 root canals and one of them has started hurting from pressure and from hot and cold.  It seemed to come on overnight and I did ignore it for a few days because I knew the real tooth was gone but the discomfort became too much and I knew it had to be checked on.

My dentist's appointment is later on this afternoon so I'll know more then but, thanks for the internet, I did some checking of my own.  Damned if a root canal can cause big trouble which results in removing the existing work and crown and having to repeat the whole process.  The cost is higher than what the original root canal cost.  No-one told me this or I would never have had the root canal done on this tooth (bottom back) in the first place!

Another strange thing is that there is also discomfort in the top back teeth.  Whatever is going on there is kind of scary because I've always been very thankful that I have good, strong teeth with no need for dentures.  Let's hope my luck in that area holds!

Update:  Good news!  The pain was coming from the tooth next to the root canal and just caused from sensitivity to heat and cold.  I'll have to be extra careful when eating cold food especially.

Male Aggression

I live in nice area that is almost always very peaceful and quiet but this morning I heard screaming and cursing coming from the parking lot of the next apartment building.  This is so unusual and I'm nosy so I looked out to see what was going on.  It was what appeared to be a young man completely out of control, screaming and then threatening to come back to whoever he was screaming at and kill them.  The cursing I could ignore but not a death threat so I called 911 and asked them to send a cop or two over here just in case this crazy person decided to force his way into his intended victim's apartment.

Male aggression has always terrified me because men have so much strength and ability to do harm.  Seeing this man so out of control as he paced back and forth in the parking lot (trying to decide whether to leave or go back in) scares me terribly for his victim.  I picture a young woman with young children absolutely terrified of this man.

The 911 operator said there had been a few calls and they had cops on the way.   They did get there quickly but not before the man disappeared.  They went directly to one of the apartment buildings so they must have good information about who he is.

I've been thinking about a man who has so little control of his anger and wondering how long it will fester in him and if he will return to do harm to someone.  We hear of battered wives and girlfriends all the time.  One of my childhood girlfriends was married to an abuser who ended up breaking down her door and beating her to death in front of her young children so my fears are not silly.  

Dennis was a calm man most of the time but he even scared me when he lost his temper.  It's the potential for harm that scares me, I guess, because he wasn't an abuser. 

And so, I'll just hope that nothing more comes of this incident and no-one gets hurt.  If it's someone's boyfriend, I hope they have the guts to never allow him in their home again.  

2011 Hyundai Elantra

Kim's car is a 2011 Hyundai Elantra with approximately 150, 000 Kilometers on it.  That's about 90,000 miles.  The motor just burnt out and I can't believe that could happen on an 8 year old car with such low mileage.  Worse still is how she was treated when she went to the dealership to ask how much it would cost to replace the motor.  She was greeted rudely by the person she spoke to and told it would cost about $10,000!  I think dealerships prefer you waste their time if you're buying a new car!

Cars used to rust out until not long ago when customers finally had enough of buying such an inferior product but now it seems the body may look okay but the inner workings are not built to last.  Look at refrigerators.  Many people have ancient refrigerators in their basement or garage that they use as beer fridges but brand new refrigerators rarely last longer than 10 years now.  It's built in obsolescence that we the consumer are accepting as normal.  It isn't!

My car is a 2012 Nissan Altima with 115,000 km (about 75,000 miles) and has served me well so far.  It scares me to think of having to replace it, first because it will be so expensive and second because you don't know what kind of crap you'll be buying.

The motor of an 8 year old car should not have to be replaced.  This should not be acceptable to the public that pays dearly for their cars.  

Home

I moved into this apartment almost 6 years ago and have loved every moment.  There's nothing fancy here but I've created a little home that I'm very comfortable in...flowers on the balcony and pretty glassware inside.  

I get up quite early in the morning and, as I walked into the livingroom to open the patio doors, I had to smile because picture #2 was perfection in my eyes.  

Now I'll drink my coffee and check out Facebook on the computer.  A perfect morning in my eyes, too.

Living With Depression

I had depression for a good part of my adult life and it's pure hell if undiagnosed and untreated.  It is also pure hell to live with someone who has depression.  I've written before about my personal experience with depression, how it made me feel, and how I was able to overcome it but today I'll say a few words about how awful it must be for the family and friends to tolerate(yes, a strong word) with a depressed person.

None of my family understood what I was going through.  They only saw the outward manic manifestation of a woman out of control of her emotions so just think how scary that must be to kids!  And then a husband walking on eggshells or simply trying to ignore what was right in front of him.  What an absolutely horrible home life for all of them...me included.

A depressed person is suffering so intensely in their mind that they are often incapable of seeing how their erratic behaviour is affecting their family and friends.  You can't be faulted for something you can't control but the suffering is also spread out to the people who care about you.

I could never have dragged myself out of my own misery at the time to consider how it affected my family but, once on the mend, clearer thinking is possible and I'm so very sorry for what my illness put them through.  Too late and all were affected in some way and that's the really sad part.

Anyway, if a depressed person is very lucky they will have people close to them that take notice they need help.  They might never understand the illness but they can be instrumental in not doing things to make the condition worse.

And then, sad as it might seem, they might have to accept they can't live with the difficulties that a depressed person creates and want a quieter, easier life.  It all depends on the depth and length of the illness and how it affects a relationship.

Like any chronic illness, it will have an effect one way or another on every relationship.   

Guns

Another gun massacre in the States almost every day and gun enthusiasts still don't understand that this is a different world than it was 50 years ago.  They say there have always been guns in their homes and they were respected and not used to commit mass murder every few days.  That might be true but people were a different breed in those days.  They, as a rule, were brought up to respect authority and their country.  Guns were expensive and considered a necessity in bringing home provisions for their families.  Guns were needed a long time ago to protect families living in desolate areas.

Today we have children who are not disciplined or monitored because most families have 2 working parents just trying to make ends meet.  Or, worse, single parent families with one parent trying to do it all.  

The "politically correct" faction has taken away the authority of teachers to even fail a child who can't or won't do the work necessary to pass a grade.  It is no longer acceptable for students to honor their flag because "it might upset a student who has no respect for the flag".  Does this make sense?

Parents at volunteer run sports events scream profanities at the coaches and sometimes resort to violence, even murder, if something doesn't go their way.  Children see this and mimic the poor behaviour of their parents.

People are hired to do a job they aren't capable of performing but must be hired due to a quota...on race or sex.  This is most apparent in government jobs.  How many of us have called a government office for information and been given completely different answers by different employees?

Everyone seems to demand their rights without accepting their responsibilities.  One lone complaint can remove a Christmas tree or a military statue from a community and yet dozens of complaints cannot remove a predator from a neighborhood.
A union employee can cause disruption and loss of revenue for his/her place of employment and then sue their employer for firing them.  A terrorist can murder innocent people and then receive an apology and millions of dollars from their government (Canada) because they spent a supposedly long time in prison.  It seems that we are teaching our children that they probably won't be held responsible for their crimes.  And then we wonder why some will decide to obtain a gun and shoot to kill or even at random.

I've watched interviews of child murderers on T.V. and they often say they "made a mistake".  A mistake is when you misspell a word and not when you deliberately commit murder.  And yet there are many adults who will work hard to free these people from paying for their fatal "mistakes".

No, our world isn't the same as it was 50 years ago when respect was taught in more homes and more schools.  If a child is not taught respect of life, family, and country, they will become self serving and inconsiderate adults who shouldn't have easy access to guns.

50 years ago you could give a farm child a gun to use for hunting and they would be disciplined enough to use it wisely.  Today, imagine giving a gun to a teen who has not been taught boundaries or given responsibilities in the family.  Imagine giving a gun to an irresponsible child who is left alone most of the time because their parents are not around much.  Imagine giving a gun to a self centered and angry person who feels they aren't appreciated.  Imagine giving a gun to someone who has never been given consequences for bad behaviour.  And then imagine giving a gun to an illiterate teen who hates the world.

As a society, we have deteriorated to the point where very few people have the intelligence and maturity to be trusted with gun ownership.  

Cottage in the Backyard

We had Kim's birthday dinner at Nick's last night and their yard is all finished now with the hot tub and new landscaping.  It's gorgeous!  It got me thinking how foolish it is for people to go to the expense of buying and maintaining a cottage up north when they could just upgrade their backyard.  There is no weekend traveling in heavy traffic and there's no full day of the weekend doing cleanup and yard work that comes with only being at the cottage for 2 days a week.

One of the biggest assets, in my opinion, was that the previous owners of Nick and Bev's house built a huge, oversized deck that is really party sized.  Most people wouldn't build such a huge deck in a small backyard but it makes so much sense.  There is enough yard left for the massive hot tub they had installed this year and that suits them fine because it cuts down on lawn maintenance.

The new landscaping is all pretty much maintenance free, too, and Nick and Bev like it that way.  I'm very happy for them that their hard work has paid off so well.  They can enjoy it every day (not just on weekends)!

I'm so happy that they include me as much as they do.  My hard work as a good grandparent has paid off well, too!!

Danger in the Dominican Republic

This morning I reposted an article on Facebook regarding a brutal attack on a female visitor.  I strongly believe in issuing warnings about dangerous places where we might think we're completely safe but we're not.  My Cindy made a comment that no-one wants to see this on Facebook...she called me "mother" instead of "momma" so I knew she wasn't happy with me.

Personally, I don't like seeing all the political arguing on Facebook but I usually ignore it.  On the other hand, if passing on a warning of danger in any form upsets you, don't read my page!  A few of my own relatives have been vacationing in the DR recently and one even went off on her own for a while.  That was so terribly dangerous not only in the DR but pretty much anywhere these days.  I think tourists are an easy prey for these monsters because most can't stay away from home too long and criminal investigations and trials take a very long time if they're done at all.

There were complaints recently about people receiving amber alerts (missing children) on their cell phones in the middle of the night.  Big friggin' deal!  If that alert saves one child's life it's worth having your sleep disturbed for a moment.

I always think back to the case of a young woman who believed it was her right to be able to jog late at night but she ended up raped and murdered.  Yes, it is our right to be out in the dark and naked if that's what we want to do but that right doesn't stop the monsters from taking advantage of the dark and the seclusion of their prey.

And so this "mother" will always continue to post warnings when I think it just might save a life or injury to the unexpected victim.  Criminals look carefully for a vantage point where they can attack and they don't give a rat's behind about your right to be where you are.

Mortality

I'm feeling my mortality this morning mainly because Donna is back in the hospital.  She needs heart surgery but it can't be done before the infection in her foot has been healed.  It's such a helpless feeling for me and it must be totally frustrating for her because there's nothing to do but wait until the doctors make their moves.

I still don't worry about death but i'm becoming more aware that it's getting closer for me and I think it should worry me.  Who knows what comes after but I have high hopes that it's something wonderful.  I analyze it all the time trying to imagine what is the most logical sequence but, again, who knows?

I just hate it when one of my loved ones is ill and I know that the older we get the less strength we have to fight off the damned illness.  It doesn't seem to matter if we live to be 100 (that's not in my plans), we'd prefer to go out feeling good.  There used to be a joke going around that said a person died with a smile on their face while having sex but I bet that rarely happens.  I'd prefer to pass away with the same angelic smile I saw on my friend, Lou's, face a few days before she passed away.  She was ready.

Anyway, I may be feeling a little nostalgic for the young and healthy days when we rarely thought about death but I'm not unhappy, just maybe dwelling on it more than I should.  Today is Kim's 61st birthday and what I'm feeling most is how lucky I am to have brought her into this world.  I love her more than words can express and I hope she can still feel that love after I'm gone.  Like energy, the feeling of love will outlive all of us.