I moved into this apartment almost 6 years ago and have loved every moment. There's nothing fancy here but I've created a little home that I'm very comfortable in...flowers on the balcony and pretty glassware inside.
I get up quite early in the morning and, as I walked into the livingroom to open the patio doors, I had to smile because picture #2 was perfection in my eyes.
Now I'll drink my coffee and check out Facebook on the computer. A perfect morning in my eyes, too.
I had depression for a good part of my adult life and it's pure hell if undiagnosed and untreated. It is also pure hell to live with someone who has depression. I've written before about my personal experience with depression, how it made me feel, and how I was able to overcome it but today I'll say a few words about how awful it must be for the family and friends to tolerate(yes, a strong word) with a depressed person.
None of my family understood what I was going through. They only saw the outward manic manifestation of a woman out of control of her emotions so just think how scary that must be to kids! And then a husband walking on eggshells or simply trying to ignore what was right in front of him. What an absolutely horrible home life for all of them...me included.
A depressed person is suffering so intensely in their mind that they are often incapable of seeing how their erratic behaviour is affecting their family and friends. You can't be faulted for something you can't control but the suffering is also spread out to the people who care about you.
I could never have dragged myself out of my own misery at the time to consider how it affected my family but, once on the mend, clearer thinking is possible and I'm so very sorry for what my illness put them through. Too late and all were affected in some way and that's the really sad part.
Anyway, if a depressed person is very lucky they will have people close to them that take notice they need help. They might never understand the illness but they can be instrumental in not doing things to make the condition worse.
And then, sad as it might seem, they might have to accept they can't live with the difficulties that a depressed person creates and want a quieter, easier life. It all depends on the depth and length of the illness and how it affects a relationship.
Like any chronic illness, it will have an effect one way or another on every relationship.
Another gun massacre in the States almost every day and gun enthusiasts still don't understand that this is a different world than it was 50 years ago. They say there have always been guns in their homes and they were respected and not used to commit mass murder every few days. That might be true but people were a different breed in those days. They, as a rule, were brought up to respect authority and their country. Guns were expensive and considered a necessity in bringing home provisions for their families. Guns were needed a long time ago to protect families living in desolate areas.
Today we have children who are not disciplined or monitored because most families have 2 working parents just trying to make ends meet. Or, worse, single parent families with one parent trying to do it all.
The "politically correct" faction has taken away the authority of teachers to even fail a child who can't or won't do the work necessary to pass a grade. It is no longer acceptable for students to honor their flag because "it might upset a student who has no respect for the flag". Does this make sense?
Parents at volunteer run sports events scream profanities at the coaches and sometimes resort to violence, even murder, if something doesn't go their way. Children see this and mimic the poor behaviour of their parents.
People are hired to do a job they aren't capable of performing but must be hired due to a quota...on race or sex. This is most apparent in government jobs. How many of us have called a government office for information and been given completely different answers by different employees?
Everyone seems to demand their rights without accepting their responsibilities. One lone complaint can remove a Christmas tree or a military statue from a community and yet dozens of complaints cannot remove a predator from a neighborhood.
A union employee can cause disruption and loss of revenue for his/her place of employment and then sue their employer for firing them. A terrorist can murder innocent people and then receive an apology and millions of dollars from their government (Canada) because they spent a supposedly long time in prison. It seems that we are teaching our children that they probably won't be held responsible for their crimes. And then we wonder why some will decide to obtain a gun and shoot to kill or even at random.
I've watched interviews of child murderers on T.V. and they often say they "made a mistake". A mistake is when you misspell a word and not when you deliberately commit murder. And yet there are many adults who will work hard to free these people from paying for their fatal "mistakes".
No, our world isn't the same as it was 50 years ago when respect was taught in more homes and more schools. If a child is not taught respect of life, family, and country, they will become self serving and inconsiderate adults who shouldn't have easy access to guns.
50 years ago you could give a farm child a gun to use for hunting and they would be disciplined enough to use it wisely. Today, imagine giving a gun to a teen who has not been taught boundaries or given responsibilities in the family. Imagine giving a gun to an irresponsible child who is left alone most of the time because their parents are not around much. Imagine giving a gun to a self centered and angry person who feels they aren't appreciated. Imagine giving a gun to someone who has never been given consequences for bad behaviour. And then imagine giving a gun to an illiterate teen who hates the world.
As a society, we have deteriorated to the point where very few people have the intelligence and maturity to be trusted with gun ownership.
We had Kim's birthday dinner at Nick's last night and their yard is all finished now with the hot tub and new landscaping. It's gorgeous! It got me thinking how foolish it is for people to go to the expense of buying and maintaining a cottage up north when they could just upgrade their backyard. There is no weekend traveling in heavy traffic and there's no full day of the weekend doing cleanup and yard work that comes with only being at the cottage for 2 days a week.
One of the biggest assets, in my opinion, was that the previous owners of Nick and Bev's house built a huge, oversized deck that is really party sized. Most people wouldn't build such a huge deck in a small backyard but it makes so much sense. There is enough yard left for the massive hot tub they had installed this year and that suits them fine because it cuts down on lawn maintenance.
The new landscaping is all pretty much maintenance free, too, and Nick and Bev like it that way. I'm very happy for them that their hard work has paid off so well. They can enjoy it every day (not just on weekends)!
I'm so happy that they include me as much as they do. My hard work as a good grandparent has paid off well, too!!
This morning I reposted an article on Facebook regarding a brutal attack on a female visitor. I strongly believe in issuing warnings about dangerous places where we might think we're completely safe but we're not. My Cindy made a comment that no-one wants to see this on Facebook...she called me "mother" instead of "momma" so I knew she wasn't happy with me.
Personally, I don't like seeing all the political arguing on Facebook but I usually ignore it. On the other hand, if passing on a warning of danger in any form upsets you, don't read my page! A few of my own relatives have been vacationing in the DR recently and one even went off on her own for a while. That was so terribly dangerous not only in the DR but pretty much anywhere these days. I think tourists are an easy prey for these monsters because most can't stay away from home too long and criminal investigations and trials take a very long time if they're done at all.
There were complaints recently about people receiving amber alerts (missing children) on their cell phones in the middle of the night. Big friggin' deal! If that alert saves one child's life it's worth having your sleep disturbed for a moment.
I always think back to the case of a young woman who believed it was her right to be able to jog late at night but she ended up raped and murdered. Yes, it is our right to be out in the dark and naked if that's what we want to do but that right doesn't stop the monsters from taking advantage of the dark and the seclusion of their prey.
And so this "mother" will always continue to post warnings when I think it just might save a life or injury to the unexpected victim. Criminals look carefully for a vantage point where they can attack and they don't give a rat's behind about your right to be where you are.
I'm feeling my mortality this morning mainly because Donna is back in the hospital. She needs heart surgery but it can't be done before the infection in her foot has been healed. It's such a helpless feeling for me and it must be totally frustrating for her because there's nothing to do but wait until the doctors make their moves.
I still don't worry about death but i'm becoming more aware that it's getting closer for me and I think it should worry me. Who knows what comes after but I have high hopes that it's something wonderful. I analyze it all the time trying to imagine what is the most logical sequence but, again, who knows?
I just hate it when one of my loved ones is ill and I know that the older we get the less strength we have to fight off the damned illness. It doesn't seem to matter if we live to be 100 (that's not in my plans), we'd prefer to go out feeling good. There used to be a joke going around that said a person died with a smile on their face while having sex but I bet that rarely happens. I'd prefer to pass away with the same angelic smile I saw on my friend, Lou's, face a few days before she passed away. She was ready.
Anyway, I may be feeling a little nostalgic for the young and healthy days when we rarely thought about death but I'm not unhappy, just maybe dwelling on it more than I should. Today is Kim's 61st birthday and what I'm feeling most is how lucky I am to have brought her into this world. I love her more than words can express and I hope she can still feel that love after I'm gone. Like energy, the feeling of love will outlive all of us.
I'll put some photos in here later but right now I'll just boast about the wonderful weekend that Shelley arranged for us. Nicole is a brilliant young lady who was hired by Locheed before she even graduated from college with her BA. She's such a valued employee that her company paid for her to get her Masters at Cornell University (they did the same for Sam).
Her graduation ceremony was this past weekend and Shelley rented a gorgeous house right on the finger lakes of New York State (around Ithica) for her, John, Nicole, Sam, Lisette, Danny, Carmen, Juan, Aeron, and me. Aeron and I drove down together...loved every second of my time with her!
We got to the stadium just in time to hear Bill Nye the science guy give a fun and educational speech. We all thought the full ceremony would be on Sunday so most of us (thankfully Shelley, John, Nicole and Sam went back for what they thought would be just a little get-together) decided to just go back to the house for the evening. Nicole came home with a medal and it turned out that the full graduation ceremony had been that evening so we missed it. Nicole was in tears but I think we made her realize we were all there to celebrate her success and the ceremony wasn't that important to us (it kind of was but she was so upset).
Carmen, Juan, Aeron, and I had gone to one of the wineries up the road from the house for pizza and beer (water for me). Then Juan and Aeron went grocery shopping for a the few things we'd need at the house. There was a lot of just great conversation with some of the family I love and I never felt it was a wasted trip.
On Sunday morning we all went back to the university...it is massive! The streets were filled with grads of every kind and their families. It just made you proud of all of them to have accomplished what they had with their young lives and you knew the whole world was open for them in the future.
We toured around a bit but Carmen has COPD and gets winded easily and I have my broken toe so we couldn't venture far on foot. Many of the roads were closed off because of ongoing ceremonies so we just stayed around the church where Nicole had her ceremony the evening before. She acted out a fake one so we could see how she had looked. She is such a clown, always going for the laugh and not worrying one bit about contorting her absolutely beautiful face. This reminds me of Lucille Ball who was an extremely beautiful woman but who didn't care how she looked when she made people laugh.
Aeron and I left for home from the university but the rest of them went back to the rental for one more day. What a joyful trip!
I don't see Aeron near as often as I'd like and it's never one-on- one time. The drive down took about 5 hours and then another 5 hours back home so it was wonderful time for me and I hope for Aeron, too.
I know I brag a lot about our family and extended family but we really are blessed to have such good people in our lives. I thank the fates that brought me these people I love so much.
A group of women friends go for a "girl's weekend" every year at this time and it's such a wonderful tradition that I'm so happy they keep going. Girlfriends are indispensable in a woman's life because they fulfill a purpose that not even the most loved husband can fill.
Anyway, their weekend is comprised of great food, great fun, and, unfortunately, sometimes too much great booze. Now, being a little tipsy often brings out the worst in people and it somehow brings out the song in one of the lady's hearts (name withheld but it starts with K). I've been told that the party usually ends long before 11 P.M. when they have to quiet down but apparently this last one went on until 1 A.M. when "K" thought it would be a fine idea to go out on the porch and sing at the top of her lungs. "K" has one of the worst off key voices in the world (she takes after her mother) and the neighbors didn't like it and called the cops to complain about the wild and noisy party going on.
When the cops arrived, they were greeted by a whole slew of middle aged ladies sitting around the table just talking. Apparently "K" had quieted down. What was so funny was what the cop said when he walked in..."Now this is something I hadn't expected!" I guess wild and noisy late night parties usually consist of teens or young people and not sweet middle aged ladies.
I love this story and it will go down in the archives of the "girls' weekend".
My friend, Dee, sent me a photo of the new trailers being installed at the park and one could be the one I'll be renting. I am thrilled to head down there after Christmas and know there should be nothing I have to fix! I'm also thrilled to death that there will be a washer and dryer in the rental. Who would have thought so much joy could come from having my own washer and dryer?? Oh, and the cute little front porch will be perfect for sitting out there and having my morning coffee!
I'm not even sad that this might be my last winter at the park...depending on my health. I consider myself very lucky to have been able to spend so many winters there and to have met so many wonderful people who have become good friends. I guess I'm fatalistic in that I understand there is a time and a season for everything in life and, when one ends, something good can still come your way.
When I sold my house, I walked away very happy to start the next phase of my life in my cute little apartment and I've never regretted the move. It was time and I knew it.
Selling the trailer in Florida was exactly the same. I've loved the winters I spent there but it was time to move on. I'm sure I'm going to enjoy the rental next winter whether it's for just one winter more or if I'll be able to squeeze 2 more out of this phase of my life. Either way, it's time.
I think we always know when something has ended but we don't always act on it for one reason or another. Sometimes ending it is too hard to endure and I understand that but I truly believe I hit it right with selling the house and the trailer. No regrets!
As I was driving over to Cindy's yesterday, I heard a strange interview on the radio. The person being interviewed was a lady who is seriously involved in removing the "stigma of menstruation" from our society. I thought it was a joke at first but it went on for a long time explaining that this worldwide movement was becoming stronger and quite involved with corporate support. I was amazed, confused, and wondered just how much of our tax dollars had been given to this group.
Now, I'm a female who has been on this earth for 78+ years and spent many of them menstruating but never once felt that there was any stigma attached to it. I hated the inconvenience but accepted it as a part of life no different than having to urinate.
It wasn't until I got back home that I did my research and found that the most important aspect of this movement had not been discussed fully in the interview and that was why feminine hygiene products are taxed but Viagra is not! Aha!
This I understand. There is no stigma to menstruating just as there is no stigma to being fertile and of childbearing age but it certainly is unfair to have products associated with menstruation taxed while a product like Viagra is not. By spending too much energy trying to change society's views on menstrual spillage and the fact that females changing gender to males will still menstruate (yes, she kept bringing that up), the most important fact of unfair taxation on a necessary product was just about overlooked.
I agree completely that products like sanitary pads and tampons are a necessary part of a woman's life and should not be taxed. Viagra, on the other hand, is actually recreational and should be taxed. But, please, a worldwide movement to remove the "stigma" of menstruation is going a bit far.
I have a guardian angel named Michael. He's actually sexually ambiguous but does carry a male name so I refer to him as a he. Describing him is odd because he resembles my cousin Ricky who committed suicide in his twenties but he's one cousin I was never close to. Nevertheless, Michael has been my guardian angel for quite a long time..don't know where the heck he was when I stubbed/broke my toe last week!
We all need guardian angels and I know darned well I'm not the only one who has put myself in some very dangerous situations over the years but mainly when I was young.
When I was about 13 or 14 I decided it would fun to run away to Toronto. This is why you don't allow children of that age to make important decisions! I had no money or even a suitcase packed and had no idea how I'd support myself in Toronto of all places but I do remember thinking it sounded like fun. I didn't want to go alone so I asked my girlfriend to go with me. My guardian angel made her say no so I didn't go.
When I was even younger (8 or 9), one of my favorite pastimes was to play chicken with cars passing by. It was fun until a lady driver stopped her car, got out and shook me in anger. I never had any parental guidance so I was free to make all the stupid choices that I did.That lady probably saved my life but I think it might have been Michael in disguise.
In my early teens, my friends and I hitchhiked a lot. We never were hurt but sometimes scared at how close we'd come. We even got into a car with a drunk driver who ended up wiping out in a snow bank. Teens really do need supervision instead of having to rely on their guardian angels!
I married very young at 17 to a good man who had many faults that I was positive I'd be able to change. You are really, really dumb at 17! It was meant to be, though, because we had 3 wonderful daughters who went forth and multiplied giving us 8 grandchildren and 2 greatgrandchildren.
Michael saved my life many times over the years but I still rely on my own instincts now that I'm grown up. Micheal just hung in there to make sure I got the chance to grow up.
I'm joking about having a guardian angel, of course, but maybe not. It's comforting to know someone has your back when your brain isn't taking care of you.
I've kind of forgotten the pain of childbirth but I don't think it hurt quite as badly as stubbing your toe. I got up to pee in the middle of the night and sleepily walked my baby toe and side of my foot right into the wall as I was going back to bed. All I can say is that it was a good that it's a good thing I was leaving the bathroom instead of entering it!
The pain of a stubbed toe is so excruciating that it almost qualifies for an ambulance and paramedics for the first 30 seconds. The only good thing is that you are very aware of the pain subsiding when it gradually goes away. Mine hasn't completely gone as of now but I think I don't need an ambulance or paramedics. It's a little hard to walk on the foot and I have to do some shopping for yarn and plants today. Nothing much would keep me from those lovely errands.
When Dennis was sick I broke my foot and that pain was wicked for quite a while until Cindy got me one of those soft boots to wear on it. I was amazed that the boot, which is almost like a slipper, could alleviate the pain as well as it did. I still have the boot and might end up wearing it if my poor foot and toe don't feel much better soon.
I've heard of people calling 911 because their pizza didn't arrive on time...wonder if anyone has ever called for a paramedic when they stubbed their toe??
My friend, Mary, has a 4 year old granddaughter who goes to pre-school and who has a little friend who happens to be black. They wondered when children began to notice the color of one's skin so asked what her little friend looked like. The answer was that she was a little girl. Then they asked what else she looked like and the granddaughter, quite perturbed at this point because she thought it was such a silly question, answered, "Well, she has 2 eyes, a nose, and a mouth!".
I wish very much that the innocence of this sweet child would last forever.
The more I think about this, it just doesn't make sense. That damage is obviously a poke like would have been caused by the corner of my bumper but there is no damage or even a mark on the corner of my bumper. I only have a 3-4" light scratch a good 6" away from the corner and toward the center of my bumper (shown in first photo of my rear bumper). I honestly don't think I caused the damage at all. I wish my insurance company would see it my way but it is what it is and, as far as I know, the report is closed because there was no damage to my car. I'm sure it will stay on my driving record, though.
I heard recently about a child misbehaving at school badly enough that his mother had to come and get him. She treated him to a new toy and an evening of fun playing with him. Hmmm!
I guess I'm old school in that I don't believe in rewarding bad behaviour. I don't believe in physical punishment, either, but I do think we have to accept the consequences of our bad behaviour starting even in childhood.
The only child I ever had to take out of school because he acted up was my grandson, Matthew. He wasn't actually bad, just silly and acting out to get a laugh but he had to learn that was unacceptable in class. So I got to keep him every time he was expelled from school, usually for a day or so. I didn't give him treats!
My standard punishment was to make him sit at the diningroom table for hours copying out his times table. This was big punishment for a child who had trouble sitting still for even a short time. Then I'd get him to do some physical labor like washing down the basement stairs. No, I didn't give him treats at all and I do believe he learned there are not so nice consequences to bad behaviour. Today he is adorable!
I just can't imagine any parent treating bad behaviour with fun. What does that teach the child? They learn that, if they don't want to behave in school they can just act up and they'll get out and get treats. I don't believe that's the right goal for the parent.
This is not a bad child. This is a child with some problems they can't cope with properly because they are just a child. There is lots of hope to change this poor behaviour around in the future but it will just take longer if the parent doesn't offer more severe consequences and make it a life learning experience.
It was brought home to me once again finding out that Trump, who lives like a king, didn't pay federal taxes on his income for 8 years in a row. We all know that the rich are able to use loopholes in the tax laws that aren't available to regular people but it doesn't make it any easier to take. A huge problem with our society is that average hard working people pay a percentage of their income every year to run the country. The very fact that people like Trump can live in luxury but not have to pay a penny to run the country is disgraceful.
He's not the only one, of course. The people with the most money and assets are just not paying their way. We know it but can do nothing about it. The people in power rule the world.
Power corrupts in more ways than one.
I have a shoe fetish and own more pairs of shoes than I'll ever wear out. I think this came about because it's been difficult for me to find clothes that flatter my fat little body but finding shoes are easy. I didn't count them but I believe I currently have about 25 pair of shoes...maybe more. It's silly because I tend to wear the same ones all the time.
I bought a nice little hall bench from Ikea that holds 10 pair of shoes on 2 racks so they don't have to be on the floor. It took me about 3 weeks to get around to putting the bench together but I did that today. It looks nice.
It really feels good to get odd tasks done and now I have no more excuses to put off finishing my spring housecleaning. Not today, though. And not tomorrow or Wednesday because I'll be busy...not sure yet about Thursday and definitely not Friday. Hmmm! Maybe Saturday or Sunday.
I hadn't heard anything different so I assumed the trailer sale had gone off without the lady backing out but I hadn't heard from Shelley whether she'd received the cheque. She had but she'd been sick last week and even to the ER with an attack of diverticulitis! She had never had this before so I hope it's not a developing health issue for her. I will never stop worrying about my girls and fretting when they get sick or hurt. It's a lifelong mother ailment.
And so my sweet little trailer that served me well for 19 years (even with a few problems I got sick of dealing with) has moved on to a new owner and I wish her well. The trailer I'll be renting next winter will be right next to her so I can't wait to see what improvements she makes. I'm hoping it's new flooring in the trailer and Florida room because that's what it needs most.
I've made a momentous decision for myself, too. For the last 2 winters I've been very sick with bronchitis while in Florida and it's gotten me feeling I shouldn't be leaving the country. I was especially sick that last week at Shelley's and really don't know what I would have done if I hadn't been with her. So I decided that, if I get sick like that again this coming winter, I won't go back the following year for the 3 months but maybe just for a short visit to stay at Shelley's house. There is a time and season for everything and maybe my Florida winters are coming to an end. Not the worst thing in the world, though!
But today it's warm and sunny here in Canada, my trailer is sold, my children are fine (Cindy's broken bones are healing well) and I'm feeling great. Life is good!
I was a little late in life getting my driver's licence at age 44 but I really had learned to drive when I was 16. I have only ever had a few speeding tickets but never any accidents until yesterday.
I was at the grocery store and had to back out of my parking spot so I did what I always do. I looked behind me to see if there were any cars or people and also any other cars getting ready to back out the same time I was. I inched out a little bit the way I always do because there is so much foot and car traffic at the grocery store and much of that thinks nothing of walking or driving by a car that is backing up. I don't think I've ever in my life backed up quickly. I inched out some more, worrying a little bit that my front tire might come in contact with the concrete border next to me. I also go slowly because to hit this border quickly would mean it would tear my tire out. I inched out until I was almost completely in the lane and I heard a crunch. There was no jarring because your car is just not moving fast when you are inching along. I assumed I'd touched the concrete border but that confused me because I was so far into the driving lane. I forgot to mention that each time I inch and stop I also look and check all around the car. That's when I looked behind me and saw that I'd hit another car that was backing up, too.
We both got out of our cars, me in shock and apologizing and her screaming bloody murder at me. She screamed it was 100% my fault but, even in my shocked state I could see that both of us were backing up so both of us must be at fault. We exchanged licence and insurance information, me calm and her still raging. I had enough presence of mind to take a picture of the damage (none to my car but her rear bumper had a smashed spot shown in photo) but then my cell phone lost power. Faye wisely jotted down the woman's licence plate number just in case the photos I took were lost.
I called my insurance company when I got home but couldn't give them much info until my cell phone charged and I could retrieve the photos and give them more. Since I have never had an accident, I have no idea what the procedure is other than to just leave it up to the insurance companies to take care of it. I have $1,000 deductible so I'll probably be liable for that but I really got to thinking after a while and realized that, yes, I'd hit her, but I must have taken ages to inch my car out as far as I did so, therefore, she must have backed out of her spot long after I'd begun to back out. In my eyes (maybe not the insurance company's) that makes her more at fault than me. We'll see.
There is also the fact that I only checked the driver's side of my back bumper for damage because that seemed the logical spot that could have hit her because of the directions we were backing up. There is no damage to my car but I'll have to check the right side of the bumper. If that is damaged, then she must have hit me instead of me hitting her. All interesting semantics but I bet I still will be out $1000.
Update: Apparently I've never understood "no fault" car insurance because it turns out that the $1000 deductible is only if my car is damaged and my insurance has to pay for the repairs. The lady I hit will have her own insurance cover the repairs on her car. I'm still a little bit confused about car insurance because, when my car was parked and hit by another car, that driver's insurance paid for my repairs. That was in the States, though, so maybe it's different there.
Faye, Mary, and I are off to the casino this morning and we'll meet up with Dee M. I'm definitely not a winner money wise at the casino but I am a winner with the friends I'll be there with.
As mentioned before, I don't smoke and rarely drink so going to the casino once a month is acceptable entertainment for me. I like to joke that I'm spending my children's inheritance but I spend a lot more money on other sort of senseless things than the casino.
I had dinner with Faye and Mary yesterday...first time seeing Mary since last fall/winter...and we had a lot of laughs as usual. It's so important to have girlfriends mainly because we understand each other better than any man could. We can be ourselves, too, and not worry about shocking the opposite sex with our truths.
Dee is such a good friend, too, and will make the trip over to the casino from the States. We see each other all the time at the park in Florida but only get to see each other a few times during the summer at home. We both love to gamble and eat so meeting at the casino is perfect!
Faye and Mary are staying overnight at my apartment and I know it will be a late night of fun conversation. We never seem to run out of things to talk or laugh about even though we've known each other for well over 50 years. Life is good!
So here I am all hooked up to a heart monitor which consists of 5 stick on patches and a pouch holding the monitor. All this because my normal high heart rate gets even higher when I'm sick. It's crap like this that might stop me from seeing my doctor when I am sick. All I really wanted was maybe an antibiotic and a referral to a ear/nose/throat specialist. It turned out I didn't need another antibiotic and I'm still waiting to find out when I'll see the specialist (told it could be August).
There's no way I can wear a bra with all these wires on me so I'm thankful it's not a hot summer day. I won't be leaving the house, either, until this stuff is all removed tomorrow. The patches are on my chest and my side which means I had to sleep on my back all night. This also explains why I've only had about 2 hours sleep!
I know I should be thankful that OHIP covers all my medical costs and that my family doctor follows through on concerns about me but I'm at a stage in my life where I just want to be left alone and not have one more medical test done. I'll be 79 years old in just a few months and I feel fine now. Shouldn't that count for something?
I have a regular doctor's visit next Monday and won't be accepting any more tests.
Our family has never paid too much attention to Easter other than have a nice family dinner. Today I'm having dinner at Kim's with Matt, Kellie, Nick, Bev, Nolan, and Nash. Cindy and Don had planned to be there, too, but decided instead to have their own family dinner with Don's children. I guess the most important thing about Easter for us is that it's a time to have a family gathering.
Tyson and Sarah got home yesterday and are bringing my car to me this afternoon. I don't know how I can ever thank them for their generosity. Tyson said we're all just good people and that's how we work. How lucky we are to have each other!!
It's another cloudy, damp day but I'm still so thrilled to be home. I think there's something in my subconscious that is telling me I need to be here instead of 1200 miles away in Florida...maybe instinct about my state of health. Who knows?
I get the heart monitor on tomorrow for 2 days but I'm not really worried about my heart. For as long as I remember, my heart rate has always been high (90's) but I understand why my doctor wants to check it a little further. I'm not happy that I won't be seeing an ear/nose/throat specialist until late summer, though. I know that means my doctor isn't too worried about me but I still have blocked ears and that irritates me.
All seems to be moving along well with the trailer sale so far. You never know, though, because I've had 2 sales cancelled already. It's been like an ongoing saga all winter and it's time it was over!
It will be good to get all my Swedish weaving tools out of the car. My first table runner will be a gift for Arlean. I love selling them and making a few dollars but I also love just as much gifting them to people I care about. It's always been more of a satisfying hobby for me rather than a way to make money.
Well, I should get some work done but I won't...just make my bed and wash a couple of dishes. Life is easy today!
Life at any age does not come without limits and I adjusted to one of mine today. Cindy had asked me if I'd go with her this morning so she could get a manicure and pedicure...she needs help getting on her knee wheeler because it has to be folded up for travelling and unfolded for use. I, as usual, worried I might not have the skills to fold and unfold but knew she really needed this luxury trip badly right now. She's been pretty down on herself because of her physical limitations which won't be gone any time soon. I thought it was worth a try, though, and drove on up to her house this morning. The problem was that I didn't realize until heading up the mountain how bad the weather was.
By the time I got to Cindy's house, I knew it would be foolhardy for me to spend even 5 minutes out in the cold, wet, and windy weather handling that kneeler. For a few years now I get a cold easily and it turns deadly very fast so I can't take chances any more. Cindy understood and we just stayed in and had a nice visit.
I've come to the realization that it just might be a simple cold that will take me out in the end. My immune system isn't 100% and my age inhibits healing, also. It's a fact of life and, just as I know better than to go up a ladder, I know now to make more effort not to catch that simple but potentially deadly cold.
If I wasn't already a skeptic, I would be now. In my childhood, I was taught that we had a loving god who looked after all of us...never, ever happened...and, if we lived decent lives, we would go to heaven and sit beside him on his throne. A question here...if everyone who died got to sit beside him on his throne, wouldn't it be unbelievably crowded? Could he even see the people at the end of the line??
Even as a child I questioned why god wouldn't stop the horrors of war. Where was he during the holocaust? Where was he when little children got cancer and died? Where is he now with all the wars and evils going on around this world?
My religious friends tell me that we are responsible for ourselves but that isn't what I learned at Sunday school. I was told that god would keep me safe. Where was he when innocent little children were being molested and murdered? Where was he when a drunken husband beat his cowering wife and children?
These are the questions that made me an agnostic. I know something miraculous happened to create our world and universe but I don't believe it was an all powerful man who would sit back and watch the holocaust happen and do nothing to stop it.
All of my life I have watched how much hatred is spewed from one religion on another. We had the holocaust where people were tortured and killed just because they were of the Jewish faith. We had the years of fighting between Catholics and Protestants in Ireland and now we have all of the christian religions foaming at the mouth with hatred for Muslims. How many other wars are being waged between obscure religious factions right now? It seems like our world would be better off if religion had never been created.
Since religious followers are so unstable, it is up to religious leaders to teach love and tolerance and not discord. I read that people who follow no religion are now in the majority and the reason might be that we are asking questions and not following blindly. This is the age of mass information from the free press and the internet so we are better informed about what is going on in the world. And we're starting to put 2 and 2 together and wonder where the love is in organized religion.
I get along just fine without leaning on the comfort of religion and I have my own personal beliefs about life and death. I believe life and energy are eternal and I hope some of the mysteries will be solved for me when I pass away. If I get to sit next to anyone in the great hereafter, I hope it's my grandmother. I have a lot of questions for her.
Because I'm old and have experienced depression I often believe I can help anyone with any problem but I have a lot to learn. One thing I learned recently is that we should never tell someone how they should be feeling. We can point out an alternative way to cope but we feel what we feel and that's the truth.
I always remember the old story of how someone asked a lady why she always looked so happy and she replied, "because I choose to be". That story made such a deep impression on me that it's been a benefit to me since I first heard it. We can choose to dwell on the not so good aspects of our lives or we can choose to keep the good stuff first and foremost.
We all know a few people who seem to be sunk in their own sadness because life didn't turn out so good for them...but they're not starving, they don't have cancer, and they do have good friends and family who just don't know how to get through to them. We have so many choices in this crazy life so why not choose the high road?
We also know people who are known by their big smiles and happy attitudes. You know darned well that they also have demons in their daily lives but they choose to overcome them and not give into them.
I talk about this from the place of having lived part of my life letting the demons control me and part of my life where I learned to control the demons. Each battle won made me stronger and determined to live a happier life. But, even with the help of counseling and antidepressants, I was the one who had to lead the battle. It all begins with you and the choices you make.
There's an old saying that we should make the best of any situation and that is true. If you let failures rule you, you will always feel like a failure. If you fight the battle and come out on the other side all scarred but a survivor, then you will be better prepared for what life throws at you next.
I consider myself a survivor. I have some of the most wonderful people in my life that I love and trust. That makes me a winner, too.
Whoever would have thought a person could go 3+ months with blocked ears? It's one of those crazy events that absolutely no-one could possibly prepare for because, in my case, it's the first time my ears remained blocked for more than a week or so.
I'm now using a prescription nasal spray that is designed to clear up the sinuses, therefore unblocking the ears and shrinking the swollen throat. So far this past week the throat has shrunk back nicely and my voice is getting back to normal but the ears continue to be blocked. They unblock once in a while and the world becomes very loud and then they close up again (I'm assuming with fluid) and I'm half deaf. Irritating as hell!
It got me thinking about how you just can't prepare yourself for everything in advance because too many weird things pop up in your lifetime that you never even considered a possibility. I like to prepare myself for the worst and then hope for the best but I like to at least have some idea what I'm preparing for...I never once prepared myself for a 3+ month bout with blocked ears.
You may just as well forget about what might happen and just get on with your life and deal with what does happen. For me that's like walking on thin ice but it works just as well as worrying and planning for something that never happens. Life is full of twists and turns so ludicrous that you will never be able to predict them. Just be happy today.
I believe in Karma. I believe in that, whatever evils you commit, it will one day come back to bite you in the butt. I believe a little differently about doing good deeds because that is the way we're supposed to behave and we shouldn't expect credit for living like a good person. That said, doing good always makes your own life better because your conscience won't be bothering you.
In some of my earlier blogs, I've written how I'm not the same person I was in my 20's, 30's, etc. because I've evolved just as we all should. You can call it maturing but I think it's more that you start to see things more clearly and how your own behavior creates the environment that surrounds you. In essence, you are the creator of your own existence in many ways. You can't control the world around you but you can most often control who is in your immediate circle and those people are what is your environment.
Many years ago I saw myself very differently. I saw myself as a victim of my environment instead of the creator. I'm not too swift so it took me ages to discover that life is so much better if you gather nice people into your circle and keep the negative ones out. Everyone is different and some might want only exciting and adventurous people close to them but that isn't me and I make no excuses for that. My need is for kind and funny companions who won't drag me into parachute jumping.
Back to Karma...you can create good Karma or you can stay immature forever. I think I grew up some time in my 50's, late but better than never. I wanted to be a better and stronger person and that's the path I chose to follow. By making that momentous decision (and it truly was...I remember the moment), I began a journey that has brought me a lot of happiness and contentment.
The moral of this story is that you don't create good Karma for yourself by just being a bystander in life. You create it by giving of yourself, being kind and not hateful. I believe we were never meant to be at war with one another or do harm to each other. When this happens it goes against nature. Knowing you're doing your best at creating harmony and good will in this life will give you peace of mind...and probably good Karma.
WTH means "what the heck"...much nicer than the other one. I got a message from the park late yesterday afternoon telling me the buyer dropped out but they had a better offer for me and to call today to see what it is. All I can say is that it's been a darned good thing that I haven't let this trailer sale bother me all winter or I'd have gotten a little nuts by now. 2 buyers have made an offer and then backed out. I don't understand this because you would think that a person would be quite certain they wanted the trailer before going to the trouble of making an offer. I'm not as surprised at the second buyer dropping out, though, because the guy's wife was so unfriendly. I don't think she wanted it from the beginning and it's usually the wife who decides when buying a house or trailer.
Anyway, this is what I think might be the new offer...a month's free rent ($1750 as opposed to the $1500 I would have received with the last deal) on the new trailer for next year and the park taking over my trailer. I keep saying I don't care what happens to it because the main thing for me was getting rid of it but it would always be nice to get a little compensation, too.
I think my attitude about all of this has been healthy on my part. I knew I'd had 19 wonderful winters out of the trailer so it owed me nothing. I'm not greedy and I tend to believe things work out okay in the end. I'll update this blog when I find out the latest episode in "trailer for sale but not rent".
Update: I was wrong but the offer is even better. Someone has offered $6500 ($5500 to me) and I'll find out on Monday. This has been an absolutely crazy experience and I'll be glad when it's over. Update on Monday...maybe.
New Update: Nancy called back and said the couple who made the offer will be paying on the 20th (Saturday). I think I've heard that promise before so I'll just wait and see.
Final update: The buyer paid $6,000 plus $500 for April's rent (I didn't pay it because I thought the previous couple were taking over April 1st) so I will receive $5,000 after paying the park $1,000 for their services in selling the trailer. Happy!!!
I'm not a fanatic about housework but I do like to start fresh every spring with a thorough house cleaning. I won't be following my usual pattern this year, though, because I don't feel well and I don't want to exert myself. When I feel stronger, I'll call Brent (Don's friend) and get him to help me do a good cleaning. My idea of a good cleaning is to pull all the furniture away from the walls and wash everything I haven't since last spring.
Brent is a good cleaner and very fast. I can have a list ready for him and trust him completely to get it done. How lucky am I?? I hired him before to clean under the cupboards, baseboards, and blinds but I know I'll need a bit more this time that I don't have the energy to do myself. Right now my energy level is close to zero but I'm hoping it will gradually get better soon. That's what happened last year but I feel worse this year.
Spring housecleaning is therapeutic. It just feels so good to get rid of dust you've sort of ignored in places the rest of the year. Under the beds is a good example. I normally only vacuum under the beds as far as the vacuum cleaner can reach so it's kind of shocking to see what lies in the center of the floor under the beds...lots and lots of dust bunnies.
There is always so much to do when I get home from Florida...housework, doctors' appointments, banking...and I have taken care of some of it but not all of it and that plays on my mind. I certainly don't feel anywhere near as sick as I did last week when I was at Shelley's but I'm still pretty well drained from the illness. We seniors do take more time to heal and that is a fact of life. I am just grateful that the horrible coughing with no breath seems to be gone. That was one of the most horrible experiences in my life (feeling of suffocation) and I don't want it back ever! I'll gladly work on gaining back my strength and energy to my normal limits.
Cindy and Don brought me some protein shakes last night. She's getting along pretty good on that knee scooter but fell when exiting the elevator. No injuries, thank heavens! Cindy is back to work way too soon but she's a mover and a shaker and can't stand being bored so I understand why she's gone back.
The protein shakes will be a great help to me. I've felt all along that I should be using protein shakes at least once a day because I don't eat particularly well otherwise. My appetite has lessened over the years probably because of age and I often eat because I have to rather than want to. I'll start having one shake in the morning and maybe one in the evening because those are the main times my appetite is really low.
Well, I'm too chatty this morning and need to get some tidying up done around here.
I have one of those faces that speaks it's mind. Unbidden by me, it shows exactly how I'm feeling about any situation and, as my friends point out, I should never play poker.
Last year my doctor sent me to a specialist who did an EKG on me. I didn't like him mainly because he appeared incompetent. Of course, I didn't tell my family doctor this but I never went back to Dr. Incompetent, either.
When I saw my doctor on Monday, he wanted me to have another EKG done and asked if I remembered the specialist he'd sent me to last year. I never said a word but he immediately said, "oh, you didn't like him...okay, I'll send you to someone else.". My face had spoken loudly, I guess.
Something I've noticed in my elder years is how extra long it takes me to recover from any illness. The fact that I do gradually recover at the advanced age of 78+ is kind of a mystery to me because I haven't taken proper care of my body ever! I'm assuming that I carry tough genes that withstand abuse.
When I saw my doctor on Monday, he didn't think I'd needed the antibiotics that Shelley gave me but he also didn't know how horribly sick I was last week. I honestly believe that my present state of recovery is owed to those antibiotics. He did give me a prescription for some kind of cortisone nasal spray to clear up my sinuses which should clear up the blocked ears and swollen throat. Honestly, my recovery began with the antibiotics so there must have been some infection somewhere to begin with.
I'm still coughing a fair bit but not choking like I was last week. My ears are still blocked but this nasal spray is supposed to take a few days to start working. Fingers crossed! I'm getting blood work and ex-ray today and I have an upcoming appointment with some specialist in Burlington for an EKG (I think). My heart rate always goes way up when I'm sick but I've never had any actual heart problems.
I decided to not start any spring housecleaning until I'm much better and also to hire Don's friend, Brent, to help with most of it. Last year I did one day of spring housecleaning and I was sick for weeks after. I hadn't completely recovered from the bad cold I'd had in Florida. This seems to be a repeat but much more severe.
It's cool and dismal outside but I'm so very happy to be home. By the time I finish with all these doctor's appointments (I hope), it will be time to plant some flowers.
Update: The reason why you should always have someone with you when you're ill and seeing your doctor is because you aren't thinking clearly and mistake a lot of what he/she says. I'm not having an EKG but I will have to wear a heart monitor for 2 days. The doctor in Burlington is an ear/nose/throat specialist. All is now clear and I'll be glad when I get some answers.
The people at my park have lots of time to spare. If a new trailer is being set in, you will find dozens of interested people crowded around watching just how it's done. If new people are moving in, you can bet lots will drop by to welcome them. It's no surprise that the events around my trailer have been watched carefully. Everyone knew that I wasn't sure if it was sold or not so I've been getting messages from my friends keeping me updated.
I was told when there was no sign of the new owners. I was told when the new owners' daughter dropped by (her parents had bought her another trailer in the park). I was told when people were actually seen inside the trailer. It's really nice to be kept updated like this when I wasn't completely sure it was sold. I guess I can rest assured now.
The cheque should arrive today or Monday and I've given Shelley the Wells Fargo bank card so she can deposit it. It gives me $1500 towards next year's rental. She and John will also split the balance of approximately (after $500 down payment and the $1500 payment) $3400. These rentals aren't cheap but I know I have 1 or 2 winters at most to spend in Florida. After that I'll be 81 (can you believe it???) and the out of country health insurance will be staggering.
I had a good night last night with little coughing so I guess the antibiotics are really starting to work. I'm awfully weak, though, but guess I can attribute that to age. The coughing bouts absolutely wore me out and I know I've lost weight because I didn't eat much...too afraid to choke. This has all been very similar to what I had last year this time but more loss of breath this year. I'm wondering if it is or is becoming chronic.
Any way, I fly home tonight, getting into Hamilton at 1 A.M. and staying overnight at Kim's house. I get to see her beautiful new kitchen!!!! On Sunday I can have a nice visit with Cindy and then borrow her car until Tyson gets home with mine. I might decide to stay at Cindy's for a few days if I'm too nervous about being alone in my own apartment. The choking is a worry but it is subsiding a lot.
Being sick and living alone will always worry me but I have the comfort of knowing my family will look out for me. I am blessed and I know it. We are blessed and we know it!!
Well, apparently it is. The buyer had a delay in getting his money together and is supposed to show up at the park today to pay for the trailer. Again, I'll believe it when we have money in hand.
I have been misunderstood all of my life because I think I'm making myself understood but I'm not. The last few days I've been reading Maya Angelou's "I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings" and I said to Shelley how we white people can never truly understand black people because we have never experienced the horrendous prejudicial treatment they have suffered and still today suffer. We have no personal reference to that kind of indignity.
Shelley said I had equated racism with ageism and sexism when you, Tyson, took me to task. I remember the incident but not the details. I do know that neither the horrors of ageism or sexism can ever be equated with what has been put upon black people. They equate only in that they are all wrong. I know I never would have meant they were of "equal values" because I have been painfully aware since I was in my teens the evils that were being perpetuated against blacks. The years haven't changed my mind because the evils have continued to be shown to the world thanks to the free press.
I'm not ashamed of being white...that is pure accident...but I am ashamed of the people (black/white/yellow/whatever) who are ignorant enough to judge a person's worth based on skin color/ethnicity/sex. One of a human being's biggest flaws is that many have the need to be able to look down on another. I believe this is where racism started and, because their numbers were few hundreds of years ago, that made blacks vulnerable. The fact that they were once slaves to whites (and blacks) also made it easy for some to look down on them.
Circumstances, ignorance, and that damned human flaw has made racism what it is. Demeaning women or the aged is wrong, wrong, wrong, but nothing has been as destructive to our society as demeaning a person because of their skin color.
I don't know how to make my feelings any clearer. Love you, Tyson!
Update: I finished the book today and now have no doubt that we whites, as decent as we might be, will never be able to fully understand the psyche of blacks because of their totally different life experiences. And they, in turn, will be handicapped about understanding whites for the same reason. I feel the same way about males and females. We can sympathize and empathize but there is no way we can deeply identify with a member of the opposite sex. We all come together from different perspectives and the best that can come out of that is inbred kindness and the willingness to look beyond those differences to what is alike.
By the way, Maya Angelou also had no true understanding of whites. She had a well earned mistrust that I hope didn't blind her to the good in people regardless of skin color. I think I wrote in one of my previous blogs how ridiculous it is in 2019 to be caring one bit about the pigment in someone's skin. I'm afraid we might have to wait another few centuries before humans smarten up.
Last year when I got home from Florida, I immediately developed a cold that had me coughing something terrible. It was so bad one night that I thought I might pass out because there was no let-up between bouts of coughing and I was fast losing my ability to breathe in. All did turn out okay but I'm wondering now if the episode I had today has anything with that one.
When I cough now, it seems to be with little air so the cough is totally ineffective. This is much more severe than what it was a year ago. I seem to have spasms of this ineffective coughing every so often now but I did have one today that could have lasted 10 minutes. Talk about scary!! Shelley and John were in their bathroom bathing the dogs and I knew they were too far away to hear me if I called them. I also have little or no voice. I was afraid I might pass out and fall if I tried to go into where they were and, thank heavens, John came out so I asked him to get Shelley. She came right out and gave me the puffer to use and it calmed the coughing down.
I'm quite worried this is something serious that will keep my doctor darned busy when I get home and I'll be spending the whole summer seeing one specialist after another. I'm worried about having one of those prolonged coughing spells on the plane and embarrassing myself. I'm worried about my clogged ears and what will happen when the plane descends. I'm worried about this cough that is stranger than any I've had before...I can't blow my nose! Apparently you need more lung capacity than I have at the moment to blow my nose.
But, yet, I seem to be able to take in large volumes of air when I breathe in. I just don't have what it takes to expel that air hard and fast enough to clear my throat.
Shelley put me on an antibiotic today so we'll see what effect it will have. I'm hoping for miracles but worrying that any miracle is going to take a long, long time.
Because of what we think is an allergic reaction, I have a tickle in my throat that makes me want to cough but I don't seem to have enough air in my lungs or my throat is too swollen to allow me to do it properly. It is the weirdest feeling to try to cough and run out of air...and it also produces the weirdest noises I've ever heard. I sound like a seal and it's very embarrassing so I'm not going out in public until I have to.
My voice came back a bit this morning and I do seem to be breathing deeper but the silly sounding cough is still there. Shelley has been having me use a puffer and Flo-Nase at night so I can sleep better but I am truly sick of all the medications I've taken over the winter to clear up whatever allergy this is. I hate taking meds of any kind.
Shelley believes I've been exposed to mold but I want to have tests done when I get home. I really haven't wanted to see any doctors in the States because I think I need a specialist.
My heart goes out to anyone who has breathing problems. I've only once before had a severe asthma attack and it was horrible. This is just as horrible but lasting much longer.
Shelley gave me a shot from John's puffer last night and it opened my airways quite a lot, enough so that I feel much better today. I still have that embarrassingly wheezy cough, though..never had one that sounded that way before. It seems like I start to cough but run out of air to complete it.
I don't know if this is some kind of allergy but it sure has gone on far too long...all winter.
I have another worry, too. My ears are still clogged and I'll be flying home on Saturday. Clogged ears can become terribly painful when landing because of the pressure. Will this never end???
