My New Vacuum Cleaner

My old vacuum cleaner, a 20+ year old Kenmore, lost suction last week so I went out and bought a new one (Kenmore, also) that cost $280 on sale. What a shocker, but I figured it would be the last vacuum cleaner I will ever buy so I should get a good one. What I didn't notice in the store is that the vacuum cleaner weighs a ton and it will be impossible for me to cart it up to the second floor or down to the basement.

I took a good look at my old vacuum cleaner and decided to change the bag. It wasn't completely full but maybe it was clogged somehow. I got out a new package of bags I'd bought at a vacuum cleaner store because bags for my model are not available anymore. They didn't fit!

Now my only choice was to take the old bag, empty it and see if the vacuum cleaner would work. If it did, I could just leave it in the basement and use it for there and the second floor because it's not too heavy to cart up and down the stairs. Heaven knows, I don't vacuum those floors very often.

The problem with emptying the old bag is that I knew there were dead centipedes in it and I didn't want to accidently touch one so I put on a gardening glove to do the job. I also made a point of not looking too closely as I pulled stuff out. The bag was crammed solid with hair especially but lots and lots of what could be plaster dust from cleaning the basement furnace room. I was amazed that the bag held together while it was being emptied so they must be very well made. I never saw a centipede, either.

I put the emptied bag back in the vacuum cleaner and it works perfectly. I'm kind of proud of myself for braving the appearance of dead centipedes and following through with attempting to fix the darned thing. I am woman, I am headstrong.

Toronto Exhibition

I've always loved the Toronto Exhibition but I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of times I've been there. I love it for the same reason I love carnivals, fairs, and parties...the garishness and happy noise thrills me.

The reasons I haven't actually attended the Ex very often are as follows: as a child I couldn't afford it; my husband didn't like it; I didn't have anyone to go with; now my knees won't let me do all that walking. Sometimes we just wait too long to do the things we enjoy.

As you get older, you become more aware that time is not on your side anymore so if there's something you really want to do, do it. I guess my biggest adventure these past few year has been my yearly trek to Florida where I know darned well how lucky I am to be able to spend my winters. I was talking to a friend the other day, saying that my Florida park just won't be the same once my closest friends stop going there and that's when I will probably spend my winters in the Canadian cold. I'll always have wonderful memories of my time there, though.

Of course, there are other places I wouldn't mind travelling to but now I have to consider this darned knee. One of my big regrets is that I didn't go to Italy when Shelley was living there but my best holiday was when Dennis and I went to China on business. That's an experience that few of us get to have and it sort of made up for the trips I never took.

As far as the Toronto Exhibition goes, I can live without it now but in the back of my mind will be sweet memories of that garish, gaudy, loud place. I did enjoy it.

Note: Kim called and said she'd go to the Exhibition with me. It's too bad that my knees say no thanks but I told her we could go to one of the fall fairs instead. My favorite is the Simcoe fair and that's the second weekend of October. Hopefully, I'll be well healed by then if I have the surgery in early to mid September.

A Bit of Depression

As much as I hate to admit it, I think I'm a little bit depressed. I know exactly why and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it except see it through and hope the depression lifts after all is said and done. It's the lip.

I've had a sore on my bottom lip for over a year that just won't heal completely, just keeps scabbing over, and it's been tentatively diagnosed as squamous skin cancer. This is not the very serious cancer, melanoma, but it does have to be treated. I'm having a biopsy on Monday that I'm assuming is going to hurt. Since I don't handle pain very well, this by itself is enough to cause me to be depressed. But, once the biopsy is done and if it turns out to definitely be skin cancer, I have to have it excised. This involves a V cut which will reach to the top of my chin. Very depressing. I don't handle pain or icky stuff well at all.

This will be done by a cosmetic surgeon so I'm not too concerned about it leaving an ugly scar but it will look and feel awful while it's healing. I think my second biggest concern is how the heck you keep an incision like that clean inside your mouth and how the heck you brush your teeth without causing excruciating pain. I did do some research on the internet and was mollified somewhat by the pictures showing a man with a similar sore right after surgery and then 3 months later. You could barely see where it had been done.

All of this is enough to depress anyone but, since I have a history of clinical depression, I have to be on guard. As of now, I know this isn't clinical depression because I feel strong and confident most of the time but I would dearly love to run away from my present problems. That can't happen and I know I'll have to just put up with whatever comes my way in the next few months. I guess the mark of a healthy short term depression is that I'm mainly upbeat and determined to deal with it to the best of my ability.

One of the biggest worries of anyone living alone is that they also have to face illness alone, too. My daughters and friends are wonderful and will check up on me often but I'll still be dealing with fear and pain all by myself most of the time.

Now, if only I could find a senior handyman who also serves well as a nurse (and maybe a cook and housekeeper, too), I might consider marrying again.

Rules To Live By

"Laugh when you can, apologize when you should, and let go of what you can't change. Life is too short to be anything...but happy"

I got this message in an e-mail this morning and it struck me that we should all live by these rules. Life would be much better if we would.

The hardest time of my life, and it wasted way too many years, was when my mind dwelt on the injustices in my life instead of the blessings. I couldn't let go of my miseries and I allowed them to almost ruin my life. These days that doesn't happen because I've retrained my thinking, making it easier to let go of the bad and enjoy the good. I have to admit that it took years of counseling to get me to this point but the good news is that it's even possible.

There was a large article in the newspaper today, written by a lady who suffers from depression and explained how she will not be ashamed about her condition and is seeking help to deal with it. I applaud her. I also wrote my own "letter to the editor" about my feelings on the subject. Mental illness of any kind is nothing to be ashamed of. It's a disorder, sometimes chemical and sometimes an inability to cope.

My senior years are spent laughing often and enjoying every little thing I can. I have made it a point to apologize when I'm wrong or when I've made a mistake...it makes me feel better and it has to make the aggrieved one feel a little bit better. But the most important thing I've learned and been able to take to heart is to let go of what I can't change. Letting go gives us a physical release of tension that is hard to explain. There is relief mixed sometimes with sadness but it's always empowering.

Age has many benefits but one of the best is that it gives us lots of time to develop into a nicer and stronger person, one who can face the day with a better understanding of how to get the most out of it.

I'm 71 years old (can't believe I made it this far) and I'm a happy lady. I guess you'd call that success, don't you think?

Update: I got a call from the Spectator that my letter to them would be published on Monday.

Learning by the Book

I'm watching "The Big Bang Theory" and Sheldon apparently once tried to learn how to swim by reading a book on how to do it. This reminded me of how my husband did the same thing when deciding he wanted to learn how to sail.

He read a few books, felt he now was capable of sailing, went out with a friend (not sure if the boat was his friend's or if they rented it) and proceeded to capsize it. Still positive that his book reading was all he needed, he and his brother, Wayne, took Wayne's son, Brent, and my daughter, Shelley, out in a rented sailboat in Florida and capsized it.

Mary and I were pretty darned stupid to let those idiots take our children out in a sailboat at all considering neither of the men knew what they were doing but Dennis was very convincing. He probably should have been a salesman.

Anyway, they were rescued by a passing boatman and brought back to our motel by paramedics. Dennis was furious that all of this embarrassment had befallen him but never in his life would he admit that learning to sail by reading a book was foolhardy. He always blamed Wayne for the mishap, too.

In time, he did learn how to sail but all of us, except him, knew that it was because of hands on experience and not those books that made him a good sailor.

Dead Calls

I live alone and get at least 5 or 6 phone calls per day with no-one on the other end of the line. They either say nothing at all or hang up if I take the time to say hello the second time. I'm wondering what this is all about.

A year or so ago I put my name and phone number on the no call list. Not that it did much good because I still get another 5 or 6 calls per day with people soliciting. I've given up being polite and telling them I'm not interested and now I just hang up on them. I'm really wondering if the dead calls are those taped solicitations that have kept my number in the system but the message has been deleted. Most of the time I see an 800 number on the caller ID and I've decided to write it down next time and call them back.

Everyone seems to hate these unsolicited calls so it makes me wonder just how much business they garner. Personally, I never buy from unsolicited callers or door-to-door salespeople so they're really wasting their time on me.

Maybe Surgery

I saw the cosmetic surgeon today and was a bit disappointed, but not surprised, to have him say he thinks it's skin cancer on my lip, too. I'm having a biopsy done next Monday which will be the deciding factor on whether or not surgery is required. The surgery is kind of ugly with the lip being cut in a V almost down to the top of my chin but the finished product leaves almost no scar after 3 months.

I'm not one bit worried about a bit of a scar but I am worried about how to keep the site clean until it heals. I'm assuming that I won't be able to eat well so maybe that means I'll lose a few pounds. Every time I think, "why me?", I count my blessings that it wasn't something worse. I'll get through this.

The surgeon told me not to use the Aldara again and I'm very thankful for that. It is a wicked concoction that I hope I never have to use ever again.

Into each life comes trials and tribulations and this is one of mine.

New Knee Brace

My right knee has been bedevilling me for over a month with the sharp pain just diminishing the last week or so. It still feels unstable and it leaves me walking like an old woman in the stores...it makes no difference that I am an old woman, I don't want to walk like one!

I've bought a few of the more expensive knee braces that hold together with velcro and have sort of an opening for the knee but they tend to pop off occasionally. They also feel cumbersome behind the knee and make my leg sweaty. I've resisted buying just the elastic knee support because they're cheap so I thought they couldn't work as well but today I decided it wouldn't hurt to try one so I brought it home, not expecting to keep it. It cost about $13 and went on easily, stayed in place, and I actually forget I even have it on.

The bulkier ones with the velcro closing can't be worn with anything but shorts but this little elastic one could be worn with anything. My one complaint is that it's black and I'd prefer a beige color. At this price, I'll look for a beige one but keep this black one anyway.

I'm really quite happy that I took a chance and bought it but I also bought (impulsively) a new vacuum cleaner at the same time. I decided to do some research on it before opening the box and putting it together and found out that this particular one (Bissell) is a piece of crap and not worth keeping. I'll return it tomorrow and probably go to Sears and get a good Kenmore. It will probably cost me 4 or 5 times as much money but my old Kenmore vacuum cleaner is about 20 years old so maybe you do get what you pay for.

I'm very happy with my new knee support, though!

There's Thunder in the Air

I love the sound of distant thunder proclaiming the approach of a rainfall. Note I said "distant" because thunder directly overhead scares the bejeezus out of me. I've never been struck by lightening but I have 2 stories of the effects of a lightening storm.

My grandmother told me that once there was a severe storm and a ball of lightening burst through her parents' open bedroom window and set something on their dresser on fire. Then there was the time my father-in-law's wall telephone was melted by lightening striking the telephone line. To this day, I won't stay on the phone during a storm unless I'm on a cordless phone.

Back to the pleasant part of storms...there is always a feeling and smell in the air when a storm is approaching and it promises cleansing as well as a drink of water for our outside plants. As long as the thunder and lightening isn't too close, I love to sit outside and watch from a sheltered spot. During a strong storm where the thunder and lightening are too close for my comfort, I still don't mind it too much if I'm inside the house with windows closed, of course.

Right now the rain is falling straight down, not too heavy, and the thunder I hear is a ways off yet so I can leave the patio door open and watch it do it's good job. The breeze coming through the door is so fresh that it exhilarates me.

Nature can be either beautiful or scary.

Mother/Child Relationships

My grandson, Matt, phoned me the other day to say that he and his girlfriend would be up on Saturday morning for a visit. I don't see him as much as I'd like but it's fairly regular and I just love that he goes out of his way to spend time with me. His mother, Kim, phoned to ask how my lip was and I mentioned that Matt was coming up for a visit. She sounded kind of curt when she answered that she knew so I asked her what was wrong. She, like all mothers, was feeling a little sad that she seldom saw Matt herself and I guess she was a little jealous that he was coming to see me and not her.

I told her that I understood because I rarely see Cindy, maybe once every few months, and we don't live more than 10 minutes from each other. The crux of this problem between parents and children is that the children often put you to the back of their minds because they believe (and hope) that you'll always be there when they have the time or inclination to visit. They aren't fully aware how much their visits mean to you.

Kim does see a lot of her oldest son, Nick. Kim is my oldest daughter so maybe the oldest child feels more of an obligation to stay close to their parents. Not keeping frequent contact does not mean that the child loves you less but just that their sense of obligation might be less. We do raise our children so that the oldest has the most responsibility and that conditioning will also carry on into their adulthood.

I am happy beyond belief when my grandchildren visit me. It's as though I've been granted a gift that I can't quite grasp and keep. When my daughters visit, it's a slightly different feeling...deeper and with a stronger connection.

I never understood this when I was the daughter or granddaughter visiting my mother or grandmother. I was aware they were happy to see me but I had no idea how much it meant to them. I do now.

So children, stay in touch with your elders as much as you can because it means more to them than you know. But you'll find out later in life!

Gays Want Bert & Ernie to Marry

Gays believe that Bert and Ernie, Sesame Street muppets, are gay and they want them to get married. Now, I don't think I've ever seen anything vaguely sexual (homo or otherwise) about the muppets except their designated sex, either male or female. Is it possible for dolls to have a sexual preference? Is this information necessary for 5 and 6 year old children?

In my humble opinion, we should let children be children for a good long time and not force them to even consider what kind of sexual acts their little cartoon or muppet friends are engaging in.

Once again I'm wondering why gay people, who cannot have children without heterosexual activity, are so darned insistent on interfering in how heterosexuals raise their children. If gays want to teach their own children (adopted or turkey basted) that Bert and Ernie are gay, then let them do so but don't ruin a good children's program for the majority of us.

I've always loved Bert and Ernie and just looked on them as innocent and childlike. Can't we just leave it that way?

Feeling Whiney

I haven't a clue if that's how you spell whiney and, frankly, I don't give a damn. My knee hurts a bit and I'm sick of looking at the scab on my lip and it's getting me down.

I had a pedicure this morning which I thought would raise my spirits a bit but it really didn't help much at all. I came home tired but unable to have a nap because the painter was about to arrive...he's here now and I'm still tired.

As I look outside, I see the most perfect summer day anyone could hope for but it's not making me feel any better. I think I might be a bit overwhelmed by my piddly little problems and it's making me feel guilty as hell that today I'm not capable of handling anything. Maybe I'll feel better after having a nap if I can get one.

Sounds like a cranky baby, doesn't it?

Note: The painter is gone and I had my nap so life looks a little rosier now.

Still Laughing and Crying

Now, most of us (except this painter) knows that when you polyfill a hole you have to scrape off the excess before it hardens. These are two of the polyfilled holes my painter filled yesterday and plans to sand down today. Lotsa Luck!

Note: So he finished today (Wednesday) and it doesn't look too bad if you don't look close. I missed 2 big mistakes before he left and I'm going to have to live with one (he didn't remove the corner trim to take off all the wallpaper so you can see paper edges all along it) and then he didn't remove the door handles on the cupboard doors to paint them but it's easy to do myself. I'm just glad it's over and he's gone...also, that I didn't hire him to paint my whole house.

The Gift of Rain

The sound of a softly falling rain on a parched landscape. Can there be a more soothing sound? I can almost hear the plantlife soaking in this life giving gift from the heavens and the dark skies promise more to come.

For some reason, what I see outside today reminds me of being in a cottage with family and watching the same sight through the windows. I don't remember exactly when this happened but I know it must have because the thought is so strong. The picture in my mind is of me standing at the window and of a happily noisy group of family behind me, talking and laughing, waiting for the rain to stop so they can hustle outdoors again.

I love being surrounded by greenery. When I see photos of desert countries, it creates an aversion in me and I'm so very happy that my ancestors chose to live in a land of flora and fauna instead of barren soil.

This rain has also cooled the air and I have opened windows and doors to let the sweet breeze drift through the house. It's only with a gentle rain that you can do this because it won't be driven through the windows.

I feel at peace.

I'd Cry If I Wasn't Laughing

The bathroom wall is about 6' wide x 8' high and there is a little strip of wall above the shower doors. My new handyman (just for this job, believe me) started work at 1 P.M. and this is what was accomplished in 2 1/2 hours. He pulled the wallpaper off that wall and used polyfilla for a few nailholes. He left for a break and will return but I got a chance to go and see what he had done. All the while he was working, he had the door closed and the bathroom reeks of body odor.

I think it might take him a week to sand the chunks of putty down flat, prime the wall, and then paint it. I'm not sure I'll be laughing when this is all over.

War

I'm so tired of reading or hearing about more lives lost because of war. There doesn't seem much doubt that human beings are basically warfaring people because most of us are either at war with weapons or arguing among ourselves. Nothing has changed since the beginning of time and I doubt we will ever change. It's very disheartening.

When I find a good, gentle soul to commune with, it gives me a tiny bit of hope for the future but they are so few and far between. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I'm one of those good, gentle souls but only that it's what I wish I could become. That's what we all should be reaching for instead of power and riches.

There is so much misery in this world, so much destruction and perversion that I often just want out. I guess this is one of my "down" days because I'm allowing myself to become depressed with the whole human race. It makes me wonder why we even exist if so many of us are capable of causing so much harm.

Oh well, maybe one day in my afterlife I'll know the answer to that one.

Stepping Out of the Way

This is pretty trivial but it came up in conversation the other day. We Canadians are known for our over-the-top politeness and I'm fully aware that my initial reaction if someone bumps into me is to say that I'm sorry, even though I wasn't the one who did the bumping.

I don't know if it was Mary or Faye who mentioned that she always stepped out of the way if someone was walking towards her on a collision course and I agreed that I did that, too. Just mentioning that little fact got our backs up and we began to take notice of how often it happened. Moments later, Mary did a quick jump back because a lady was about to bang into her. It really is true that too many people expect "us" to get out of their way and that's out and out rudeness.

Our only recourse is to stand our ground, though, and maybe get hurt in the process so it just might not be worth our while to get stubborn. Still, it does make you wonder about why so many people have such terrible manners and are so darned self centered that, as adults, they still think they're the center of the universe and the only one who counts.

It all boils down to how you've been raised and the manners you've learned. Respect for others seems to be a little low on the totem pole these days and I kind of yearn for the days when elders were always treated with respect. It's so nice when it does happen, though, and it warms your heart.

From now on, when I'm about to be mowed down by some ignorant ass, I'll step out of their way and send nasty thoughts at them. Self preservation comes first!

Bad Reaction to Aldara

I woke up this morning to see that the original small skin cancer on my bottom lip was now covered by a huge scab that almost covered half of my lip. I knew this had to be a bad reaction to the Aldara so I called my dermatologist who got me into the office at 11:30. She confirmed that it was a severe reaction and told me to stop using the Aldara until the site reduced by half. She also prescribed a cortisone/antibiotic cream ($55 and not covered by OHIP) to use 4 times a day. She was kind enough to give me a sample tube of another cream to put on my inflamed upper lip twice a day. Once the lesion on the bottom lip has reduced by half, I can begin using the Aldara again but only twice a week.

I really hate using any kind of medication and this powerful and unwanted reaction to Aldara proves my point. All drugs will have some sort of unhealthy side effect and I knew that Aldara is notorious for them. Unfortunately, it's important that I continue to use it in order to shrink the original skin cancer spot so that as little as possible will need to be excised.

I've read on the internet of much worse side effects so maybe I'm lucky that this is all I've had...so far!

By the way, today is my 71st birthday and it didn't start out too well.

Kim and Cindy are bringing me my favorite meal from La Spaghett because I just look too awful to be seen in public. Poor me.

Update: I accidently knocked the blooming scab off at dinner and scared all of us to death. It turned out to be a good thing because the skin underneath the huge scab seems almost healed. I'm hoping for good things tomorrow.

Lip Hurts

The cream I have to use on this lip skin cancer is causing havoc with the rest of my mouth. My lips are swollen and scabby and I don't want to go outside looking like this. People will think I have some kind of contageous disease!

Donna and Faye came over today for our Swedish weaving and it was nice having the company, especiall since I want to stay home anyway. Kim phoned to see if I'd like to go out on Friday to a movie but I just don't feel comfortable going out at all. My lips are not exactly paining me but there is a degree of discomfort all of the time, mainly from the swelling on everything but the darned sore. I don't know how I'm going to put up with this treatment for another 9 weeks but, from what I've gathered on the internet, it should all start to improve after a month...3 weeks to go!!

What with the intense heat outside and the swollen and scabby mouth, I'm getting a lot of work done on Matt and Sandra's afghan. What sometimes takes up to 2 months and even longer is now being accomplished in half that time because I can't just sit and watch T.V. when I'm home. I estimated that I put in about 4 hours of Swedish weaving a day and that's a better use of time than hunkering down and watching crap on T.V.

I'm not sure I can enter Nicole's afghan at the Simcoe fair because they seem to have a limit on the size of an entry...55" x 70", and my afghans are about 55" x 82"(I'm guessing because I know they start out at 60" wide x 90" long before they're washed and shrunk). If I can't enter an afghan, I'll enter one of my Swedish weaving runners. Any way, it will be a fun thing to do.

I suggested to Faye and Donna that they enter one of their afghans at the fair either this year or next. Faye, of course, is a real expert and Donna is well on her way to being one. It's nice to see how confident she has become and the afghan she's working on now is gorgeous. We all yak a lot on our Tuesday get-togethers but we work hard, too, and learn from each other.

At the park in Florida, we have a larger group that gathers to do Swedish weaving and it's amazing how much we really do learn from each other. Everyone seems to come up with new ideas or better ways of doing things that we all want to try. There are no prima donnas and no bickering, just a bunch of ladies talking and crafting and helping.

Nice life!

Jaws

I remember seeing the movie "Jaws" in 1975 when it came out and thinking it was one terrific movie. The terror of wondering when that darned big shark was going to pop out of the water or being warned of it's approach by what I think were intermittent strings of tuba blasts made me worry I'd toss my popcorn all over whoever was sitting in front of me. I'd never been to Florida when I saw that movie and it's left an indelible and often present thought in my mind that there are an awful lot of sharks in those waters. I went to Florida for the first time not long after seeing that movie and I was scared to death to go in the water past my ankles.

Reruns have been on T.V. many times over the years but I watched one today with a different eye. It was the incredible acting by Robert Shaw and Richard Dreyfuss that held my attention. They were magnificent. I think it must have impressed me so much because I've been dismayed over some of the most terrible acting I keep seeing on T.V. movies these days. Some of it is so bad you just have to wonder why anyone would spend the money it costs to produce a movie without at least hiring a cast who could act.

I know I miss out on a lot of the entainment value of movies because I analyze too much but today, with "Jaws", it was just wonderful to watch Shaw and Dreyfuss perform. A few of the other actors were also good but not at the same level as those two. It makes you understand that good or great acting is a true art form.

I was able to lose myself in the fantasy of the story in 1975 and the shark looked all too real to me but, today, I only was impressed with the mechanics of it. Time changes us all in many mysterious ways.