Yesterday I watched a program about a filmmaker who focused his cameras on the Golden Gate bridge in San Francisco. His aim was to film some of the many suicides which take place there constantly. I watched with dread as person after person approached the rail, climbed over, and then jumped. Often they'd hesitate, praying or contemplating whether their choice was a good one. My heart bled for the agony they were experiencing at that moment, and for the black moments preceding it. I had felt what they felt but, for the grace of whoever, I'm still here.
Back in 1977, when I was in the depths of a depression which hadn't been diagnosed, I became seriously suicidal. Depression is gut wrenchingly painful and I had become so broken down by the pain and hopelessness I felt that suicide seemed the only way out. There was no room in my ravaged mind to consider my family or friends and how they'd suffer from my actions because the mental pain was all consuming. Obviously I got through that awful period but this blog is also about how depression isn't always dealt with properly by the professionals.
That particular episode ended with me in the hospital for a couple of days but never being diagnosed or sent to a specialist who could help me. My family doctor at the time was a pill pusher who thought all I needed was a regimen of tranquilizers until I could pull myself together. I had to stop taking them because all they did was make me sleep most of the day.
And so I suffered for another 8 years until I was unable to cope with the real world anymore and had a breakdown. My present family doctor moved quickly and was able to get me excellent medical help. I'll always be thankful for his foresight and his ability to get me into a program which probably saved my life.
I've read a lot about depression and I have to say I disagree with much that is written about it. People who have never experienced depression will tell you to just snap out of it and get on with your life but that isn't possible...not without the right help. You need to be led out of depression slowly and given the opportunity to strengthen your own reserves. You also need professional direction in how to handle life because, if you suffer from depression, you've never learned how to do that in a healthy way.
It seems that most professionals believe that depression is a chemical disorder in the brain that will always require antidepressants to keep in check but I can't be the only exception. I received counseling sporadically for approximately 16 years and took antidepressants for much of that time but am depression and pill free today. The counseling was invaluable in teaching me coping skills.
As I watched those poor, tortured souls jump to their death, I wondered how many people had failed to identify their illness and I wondered about President Obama's proposed health care plan and if it could help eliminate these needless deaths. Would I have gotten the care I did if I'd had to pay out of pocket for it? I don't think we could have afforded it. Without government insurance to cover the cost I don't think I would have survived.
Depression, even if it doesn't lead to suicide, is a debilitating illness that destroys the human spirit. It's such a shame that many, if not most, of the sufferers could be helped or cured if only they could tap the right resources.
Back to the filmmaker who recorded those suicides. At first I was horrified at his callousness but then I saw beyond that and realized what he was really trying to record was profound human desperation. As each potential suicide appeared, the authorities were notified in an attempt to save them but help often didn't come quickly enough. But then, maybe help had never been there for them.
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