Heart Monitor

So here I am all hooked up to a heart monitor which consists of 5 stick on patches and a pouch holding the monitor.  All this because my normal high heart rate gets even higher when I'm sick.  It's crap like this that might stop me from seeing my doctor when I am sick.  All I really wanted was maybe an antibiotic and a referral to a ear/nose/throat specialist.  It turned out I didn't need another antibiotic and I'm still waiting to find out when I'll see the specialist (told it could be August).

There's no way I can wear a bra with all these wires on me so I'm thankful it's not a hot summer day.  I won't be leaving the house, either, until this stuff is all removed tomorrow.  The patches are on my chest and my side which means I had to sleep on my back all night.  This also explains why I've only had about 2 hours sleep!

I know I should be thankful that OHIP covers all my medical costs and that my family doctor follows through on concerns about me but I'm at a stage in my life where I just want to be left alone and not have one more medical test done.  I'll be 79 years old in just a few months and I feel fine now.  Shouldn't that count for something?

I have a regular doctor's visit next Monday and won't be accepting any more tests.

Happy Easter 2019

Our family has never paid too much attention to Easter other than have a nice family dinner.  Today I'm having dinner at Kim's with Matt, Kellie, Nick, Bev, Nolan, and Nash.  Cindy and Don had planned to be there, too, but decided instead to have their own family dinner with Don's children.  I guess the most important thing about Easter for us is that it's a time to have a family gathering.

Tyson and Sarah got home yesterday and are bringing my car to me this afternoon.  I don't know how I can ever thank them for their generosity.  Tyson said we're all just good people and that's how we work.  How lucky we are to have each other!!

It's another cloudy, damp day but I'm still so thrilled to be home.  I think there's something in my subconscious that is telling me I need to be here instead of 1200 miles away in Florida...maybe instinct about my state of health.  Who knows?

I get the heart monitor on tomorrow for 2 days but I'm not really worried about my heart.  For as long as I remember, my heart rate has always been high (90's) but I understand why my doctor wants to check it a little further.  I'm not happy that I won't be seeing an ear/nose/throat specialist until late summer, though.  I know that means my doctor isn't too worried about me but I still have blocked ears and that irritates me.

All seems to be moving along well with the trailer sale so far.  You never know, though, because I've had 2 sales cancelled already.  It's been like an ongoing saga all winter and it's time it was over!

It will be good to get all my Swedish weaving tools out of the car.  My first table runner will be a gift for Arlean.  I love selling them and making a few dollars but I also love just as much gifting them to people I care about.  It's always been more of a satisfying hobby for me rather than a way to make money.

Well, I should get some work done but I won't...just make my bed and wash a couple of dishes.  Life is easy today!

Limits

Life at any age does not come without limits and I adjusted to one of mine today.  Cindy had asked me if I'd go with her this morning so she could get a manicure and pedicure...she needs help getting on her knee wheeler because it has to be folded up for travelling and unfolded for use.  I, as usual, worried I might not have the skills to fold and unfold but knew she really needed this luxury trip badly right now.  She's been pretty down on herself because of her physical limitations which won't be gone any time soon.  I thought it was worth a try, though, and drove on up to her house this morning.  The problem was that I didn't realize until heading up the mountain how bad the weather was.

By the time I got to Cindy's house, I knew it would be foolhardy for me to spend even 5 minutes out in the cold, wet, and windy weather handling that kneeler.  For a few years now I get a cold easily and it turns deadly very fast so I can't take chances any more.  Cindy understood and we just stayed in and had a nice visit. 

I've come to the realization that it just might be a simple cold that will take me out in the end.  My immune system isn't 100% and my age inhibits healing, also.  It's a fact of life and, just as I know better than to go up a ladder, I know now to make more effort not to catch that simple but potentially deadly cold.

Religion

If I wasn't already a skeptic, I would be now.  In my childhood, I was taught that we had a loving god who looked after all of us...never, ever happened...and, if we lived decent lives, we would go to heaven and sit beside him on his throne.  A question here...if everyone who died got to sit beside him on his throne, wouldn't it be unbelievably crowded?  Could he even see the people at the end of the line??

Even as a child I questioned why god wouldn't stop the horrors of war.  Where was he during the holocaust?  Where was he when little children got cancer and died?  Where is he now with all the wars and evils going on around this world?

My religious friends tell me that we are responsible for ourselves but that isn't what I learned at Sunday school.  I was told that god would keep me safe.  Where was he when innocent little children were being molested and murdered?  Where was he when a drunken husband beat his cowering wife and children?

These are the questions that made me an agnostic.  I know something miraculous happened to create our world and universe but I don't believe it was an all powerful man who would sit back and watch the holocaust happen and do nothing to stop it.

All of my life I have watched how much hatred is spewed from one religion on another.  We had the holocaust where people were tortured and killed just because they were of the Jewish faith.  We had the years of fighting between Catholics and Protestants in Ireland and now we have all of the christian religions foaming at the mouth with hatred for Muslims.  How many other wars are being waged between obscure religious factions right now?  It seems like our world would be better off if religion had never been created.

Since religious followers are so unstable, it is up to religious leaders to teach love and tolerance and not discord.  I read that people who follow no religion are now in the majority and the reason might be that we are asking questions and not following blindly.  This is the age of mass information from the free press and the internet so we are better informed about what is going on in the world.  And we're starting to put 2 and 2 together and wonder where the love is in organized religion.

I get along just fine without leaning on the comfort of religion and I have my own personal beliefs about life and death.  I believe life and energy are eternal and I hope some of the mysteries will be solved for me when I pass away.  If I get to sit next to anyone in the great hereafter, I hope it's my grandmother.  I have a lot of questions for her.  

   

I Learned Something Today

Because I'm old and have experienced depression I often believe I can help anyone with any problem but I have a lot to learn.  One thing I learned recently is that we should never tell someone how they should be feeling.  We can point out an alternative way to cope but we feel what we feel and that's the truth.

I always remember the old story of how someone asked a lady why she always looked so happy and she replied, "because I choose to be".  That story made such a deep impression on me that it's been a benefit to me since I first heard it.  We can choose to dwell on the not so good aspects of our lives or we can choose to keep the good stuff first and foremost.

We all know a few people who seem to be sunk in their own sadness because life didn't turn out so good for them...but they're not starving, they don't have cancer, and they do have good friends and family who just don't know how to get through to them.  We have so many choices in this crazy life so why not choose the high road?

We also know people who are known by their big smiles and happy attitudes.  You know darned well that they also have demons in their daily lives but they choose to overcome them and not give into them.  

I talk about this from the place of having lived part of my life letting the demons control me and part of my life where I learned to control the demons.  Each battle won made me stronger and determined to live a happier life.  But, even with the help of counseling and antidepressants, I was the one who had to lead the battle.  It all begins with you and the choices you make.

There's an old saying that we should make the best of any situation and that is true.  If you let failures rule you, you will always feel like a failure.  If you fight the battle and come out on the other side all scarred but a survivor, then you will be better prepared for what life throws at you next.

I consider myself a survivor.  I have some of the most wonderful people in my life that I love and trust.  That makes me a winner, too. 

Unblocking Ears

Whoever would have thought a person could go 3+ months with blocked ears?  It's one of those crazy events that absolutely no-one could possibly prepare for because, in my case, it's the first time my ears remained blocked for more than a week or so.

I'm now using a prescription nasal spray that is designed to clear up the sinuses, therefore unblocking the ears and shrinking the swollen throat.  So far this past week the throat has shrunk back nicely and my voice is getting back to normal but the ears continue to be blocked.  They unblock once in a while and the world becomes very loud and then they close up again (I'm assuming with fluid) and I'm half deaf.  Irritating as hell!

It got me thinking about how you just can't prepare yourself for everything in advance because too many weird things pop up in your lifetime that you never even considered a possibility.  I like to prepare myself for the worst and then hope for the best but I like to at least have some idea what I'm preparing for...I never once prepared myself for a 3+ month bout with blocked ears.

You may just as well forget about what might happen and just get on with your life and deal with what does happen.  For me that's like walking on thin ice but it works just as well as worrying and planning for something that never happens.  Life is full of twists and turns so ludicrous that you will never be able to predict them.  Just be happy today.

Karma

I believe in Karma.  I believe in that, whatever evils you commit, it will one day come back to bite you in the butt.  I believe a little differently about doing good deeds because that is the way we're supposed to behave and we shouldn't expect credit for living like a good person.  That said, doing good always makes your own life better because your conscience won't be bothering you.

In some of my earlier blogs, I've written how I'm not the same person I was in my 20's, 30's, etc. because I've evolved just as we all should.  You can call it maturing but I think it's more that you start to see things more clearly and how your own behavior creates the environment that surrounds you.  In essence, you are the creator of your own existence in many ways.  You can't control the world around you but you can most often control who is in your immediate circle and those people are what is your environment.

Many years ago I saw myself very differently.  I saw myself as a victim of my environment instead of the creator.  I'm not too swift so it took me ages to discover that life is so much better if you gather nice people into your circle and keep the negative ones out.  Everyone is different and some might want only exciting and adventurous people close to them but that isn't me and I make no excuses for that.  My need is for kind and funny companions who won't drag me into parachute jumping.

Back to Karma...you can create good Karma or you can stay immature forever.  I think I grew up some time in my 50's, late but better than never.  I wanted to be a better and stronger person and that's the path I chose to follow.  By making that momentous decision (and it truly was...I remember the moment), I began a journey that has brought me a lot of happiness and contentment.  

The moral of this story is that you don't create good Karma for yourself by just being a bystander in life.  You create it by giving of yourself, being kind and not hateful.  I believe we were never meant to be at war with one another or do harm to each other.  When this happens it goes against nature.  Knowing you're doing your best at creating harmony and good will in this life will give you peace of mind...and probably good Karma.

WTH

WTH means "what the heck"...much nicer than the other one.  I got a message from the park late yesterday afternoon telling me the buyer dropped out but they had a better offer for me and to call today to see what it is.  All I can say is that it's been a darned good thing that I haven't let this trailer sale bother me all winter or I'd have gotten a little nuts by now.  2 buyers have made an offer and then backed out.  I don't understand this because you would think that a person would be quite certain they wanted the trailer before going to the trouble of making an offer.  I'm not as surprised at the second buyer dropping out, though, because the guy's wife was so unfriendly.  I don't think she wanted it from the beginning and it's usually the wife who decides when buying a house or trailer.

Anyway, this is what I think might be the new offer...a month's free rent ($1750 as opposed to the $1500 I would have received with the last deal) on the new trailer for next year and the park taking over my trailer.  I keep saying I don't care what happens to it because the main thing for me was getting rid of it but it would always be nice to get a little compensation, too.

I think my attitude about all of this has been healthy on my part.  I knew I'd had 19 wonderful winters out of the trailer so it owed me nothing.  I'm not greedy and I tend to believe things work out okay in the end.  I'll update this blog when I find out the latest episode in "trailer for sale but not rent".

Update:  I was wrong but the offer is even better.  Someone has offered $6500 ($5500 to me) and I'll find out on Monday.  This has been an absolutely crazy experience and I'll be glad when it's over.  Update on Monday...maybe.

New Update:  Nancy called back and said the couple who made the offer will be paying on the 20th (Saturday).  I think I've heard that promise before so I'll just wait and see.

Final update:  The buyer paid $6,000 plus $500 for April's rent (I didn't pay it because I thought the previous couple were taking over April 1st) so I will receive $5,000 after paying the park $1,000 for their services in selling the trailer.  Happy!!!   

Spring House Cleaning

I'm not a fanatic about housework but I do like to start fresh every spring with a thorough house cleaning.  I won't be following my usual pattern this year, though, because I don't feel well and I don't want to exert myself.  When I feel stronger, I'll call Brent (Don's friend) and get him to help me do a good cleaning.  My idea of a good cleaning is to pull all the furniture away from the walls and wash everything I haven't since last spring.

Brent is a good cleaner and very fast.  I can have a list ready for him and trust him completely to get it done.  How lucky am I??  I hired him before to clean under the cupboards, baseboards, and blinds but I know I'll need a bit more this time that I don't have the energy to do myself.  Right now my energy level is close to zero but I'm hoping it will gradually get better soon.  That's what happened last year but I feel worse this year.

Spring housecleaning is therapeutic.  It just feels so good to get rid of dust you've sort of ignored in places the rest of the year.  Under the beds is a good example.  I normally only vacuum under the beds as far as the vacuum cleaner can reach so it's kind of shocking to see what lies in the center of the floor under the beds...lots and lots of dust bunnies.  

There is always so much to do when I get home from Florida...housework, doctors' appointments, banking...and I have taken care of some of it but not all of it and that plays on my mind.  I certainly don't feel anywhere near as sick as I did last week when I was at Shelley's but I'm still pretty well drained from the illness.  We seniors do take more time to heal and that is a fact of life.  I am just grateful that the horrible coughing with no breath seems to be gone.  That was one of the most horrible experiences in my life (feeling of suffocation) and I don't want it back ever!  I'll gladly work on gaining back my strength and energy to my normal limits.

Cindy and Don brought me some protein shakes last night.  She's getting along pretty good on that knee scooter but fell when exiting the elevator.  No injuries, thank heavens!  Cindy is back to work way too soon but she's a mover and a shaker and can't stand being bored so I understand why she's gone back.  

The protein shakes will be a great help to me.  I've felt all along that I should be using protein shakes at least once a day because I don't eat particularly well otherwise.  My appetite has lessened over the years probably because of age and I often eat because I have to rather than want to.  I'll start having one shake in the morning and maybe one in the evening because those are the main times my appetite is really low.

Well, I'm too chatty this morning and need to get some tidying up done around here.   

My Face Tells It All

I have one of those faces that speaks it's mind.  Unbidden by me, it shows exactly how I'm feeling about any situation and, as my friends point out, I should never play poker.

Last year my doctor sent me to a specialist who did an EKG on me.  I didn't like him mainly because he appeared incompetent.  Of course, I didn't tell my family doctor this but I never went back to Dr. Incompetent, either.

When I saw my doctor on Monday, he wanted me to have another EKG done and asked if I remembered the specialist he'd sent me to last year.  I never said a word but he immediately said, "oh, you didn't like him...okay, I'll send you to someone else.".  My face had spoken loudly, I guess.

Better Every Day

Something I've noticed in my elder years is how extra long it takes me to recover from any illness.  The fact that I do gradually recover at the advanced age of 78+ is kind of a mystery to me because I haven't taken proper care of my body ever!  I'm assuming that I carry tough genes that withstand abuse.

When I saw my doctor on Monday, he didn't think I'd needed the antibiotics that Shelley gave me but he also didn't know how horribly sick I was last week.  I honestly believe that my present state of recovery is owed to those antibiotics.  He did give me a prescription for some kind of cortisone nasal spray to clear up my sinuses which should clear up the blocked ears and swollen throat.  Honestly, my recovery began with the antibiotics so there must have been some infection somewhere to begin with.

I'm still coughing a fair bit but not choking like I was last week.  My ears are still blocked but this nasal spray is supposed to take a few days to start working.  Fingers crossed!  I'm getting blood work and ex-ray today and I have an upcoming appointment with some specialist in Burlington for an EKG (I think).  My heart rate always goes way up when I'm sick but I've never had any actual heart problems.

I decided to not start any spring housecleaning until I'm much better and also to hire Don's friend, Brent, to help with most of it.  Last year I did one day of spring housecleaning and I was sick for weeks after.  I hadn't completely recovered from the bad cold I'd had in Florida.  This seems to be a repeat but much more severe.

It's cool and dismal outside but I'm so very happy to be home.  By the time I finish with all these doctor's appointments (I hope), it will be time to plant some flowers.

Update:  The reason why you should always have someone with you when you're ill and seeing your doctor is because you aren't thinking clearly and mistake a lot of what he/she says.  I'm not having an EKG but I will have to wear a heart monitor for 2 days.  The doctor in Burlington is an ear/nose/throat specialist.  All is now clear and I'll be glad when I get some answers.

My Posse

The people at my park have lots of time to spare.  If a new trailer is being set in, you will find dozens of interested people crowded around watching just how it's done.  If new people are moving in, you can bet lots will drop by to welcome them.  It's no surprise that the events around my trailer have been watched carefully.  Everyone knew that I wasn't sure if it was sold or not so I've been getting messages from my friends keeping me updated.

I was told when there was no sign of the new owners.  I was told when the new owners' daughter dropped by (her parents had bought her another trailer in the park).  I was told when people were actually seen inside the trailer.  It's really nice to be kept updated like this when I wasn't completely sure it was sold.  I guess I can rest assured now.

The cheque should arrive today or Monday and I've given Shelley the Wells Fargo bank card so she can deposit it.  It gives me $1500 towards next year's rental.  She and John will also split the balance of approximately (after $500 down payment and the $1500 payment) $3400.  These rentals aren't cheap but I know I have 1 or 2 winters at most to spend in Florida.  After that I'll be 81 (can you believe it???) and the out of country health insurance will be staggering.

I had a good night last night with little coughing so I guess the antibiotics are really starting to work.  I'm awfully weak, though, but guess I can attribute that to age.  The coughing bouts absolutely wore me out and I know I've lost weight because I didn't eat much...too afraid to choke.  This has all been very similar to what I had last year this time but more loss of breath this year.  I'm wondering if it is or is becoming chronic.

Any way, I fly home tonight, getting into Hamilton at 1 A.M. and staying overnight at Kim's house.  I get to see her beautiful new kitchen!!!!  On Sunday I can have a nice visit with Cindy and then borrow her car until Tyson gets home with mine.  I might decide to stay at Cindy's for a few days if I'm too nervous about being alone in my own apartment.  The choking is a worry but it is subsiding a lot.

Being sick and living alone will always worry me but I have the comfort of knowing my family will look out for me.  I am blessed and I know it.  We are blessed and we know it!!  

Is It Sold or Not?

Well, apparently it is.  The buyer had a delay in getting his money together and is supposed to show up at the park today to pay for the trailer.  Again, I'll believe it when we have money in hand.  

For Tyson

 I have been misunderstood all of my life because I think I'm making myself understood but I'm not.  The last few days I've been reading Maya Angelou's "I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings" and I said to Shelley how we white people can never truly understand black people because we have never experienced the horrendous prejudicial treatment they have suffered and still today suffer.  We have no personal reference to that kind of indignity.

Shelley said I had equated racism with ageism and sexism when you, Tyson, took me to task.  I remember the incident but not the details.  I do know that neither the horrors of ageism or sexism can ever be equated with what has been put upon black people.  They equate only in that they are all wrong. I know I never would have meant they were of "equal values" because I have been painfully aware since I was in my teens the evils that were being perpetuated against blacks.  The years haven't changed my mind because the evils have continued to be shown to the world thanks to the free press.

I'm not ashamed of being white...that is pure accident...but I am ashamed of the people (black/white/yellow/whatever) who are ignorant enough to judge a person's worth based on skin color/ethnicity/sex.  One of a human being's biggest flaws is that many have the need to be able to look down on another.  I believe this is where racism started and, because their numbers were few hundreds of years ago, that made blacks vulnerable.  The fact that they were once slaves to whites (and blacks) also made it easy for some to look down on them.

Circumstances, ignorance, and that damned human flaw has made racism what it is.  Demeaning women or the aged is wrong, wrong, wrong, but nothing has been as destructive to our society as demeaning a person because of their skin color.

I don't know how to make my feelings any clearer.  Love you, Tyson!

Update:  I finished the book today and now have no doubt that we whites, as decent as we might be, will never be able to fully understand the psyche of blacks because of their totally different life experiences.  And they, in turn, will be handicapped about understanding whites for the same reason.  I feel the same way about males and females.  We can sympathize and empathize but there is no way we can deeply identify with a member of the opposite sex.  We all come together from different perspectives and the best that can come out of that is inbred kindness and the willingness to look beyond those differences to what is alike.

By the way, Maya Angelou also had no true understanding of whites.  She had a well earned mistrust that I hope didn't blind her to the good in people regardless of skin color.  I think I wrote in one of my previous blogs how ridiculous it is in 2019 to be caring one bit about the pigment in someone's skin.  I'm afraid we might have to wait another few centuries before humans smarten up.

Got a Scare

Last year when I got home from Florida, I immediately developed a cold that had me coughing something terrible.  It was so bad one night that I thought I might pass out because there was no let-up between bouts of coughing and I was fast losing my ability to breathe in.  All did turn out okay but I'm wondering now if the episode I had today has anything with that one.

When I cough now, it seems to be with little air so the cough is totally ineffective.  This is much more severe than what it was a year ago.  I seem to have spasms of this ineffective coughing every so often now but I did have one today that could have lasted 10 minutes.  Talk about scary!!  Shelley and John were in their bathroom bathing the dogs and I knew they were too far away to hear me if I called them.  I also have little or no voice.  I was afraid I might pass out and fall if I tried to go into where they were and, thank heavens, John came out so I asked him to get Shelley.  She came right out and gave me the puffer to use and it calmed the coughing down.

I'm quite worried this is something serious that will keep my doctor darned busy when I get home and I'll be spending the whole summer seeing one specialist after another.  I'm worried about having one of those prolonged coughing spells on the plane and embarrassing myself.  I'm worried about my clogged ears and what will happen when the plane descends.  I'm worried about this cough that is stranger than any I've had before...I can't blow my nose!  Apparently you need more lung capacity than I have at the moment to blow my nose.

But, yet, I seem to be able to take in large volumes of air when I breathe in.  I just don't have what it takes to expel that air hard and fast enough to clear my throat.

Shelley put me on an antibiotic today so we'll see what effect it will have.  I'm hoping for miracles but worrying that any miracle is going to take a long, long time.

Can't Cough

Because of what we think is an allergic reaction, I have a tickle in my throat that makes me want to cough but I don't seem to have enough air in my lungs or my throat is too swollen to allow me to do it properly.  It is the weirdest feeling to try to cough and run out of air...and it also produces the weirdest noises I've ever heard.  I sound like a seal and it's very embarrassing so I'm not going out in public until I have to.

My voice came back a bit this morning and I do seem to be breathing deeper but the silly sounding cough is still there.  Shelley has been having me use a puffer and Flo-Nase at night so I can sleep better but I am truly sick of all the medications I've taken over the winter to clear up whatever allergy this is.  I hate taking meds of any kind.

Shelley believes I've been exposed to mold but I want to have tests done when I get home.  I really haven't wanted to see any doctors in the States because I think I need a specialist.  

My heart goes out to anyone who has breathing problems.  I've only once before had a severe asthma attack and it was horrible.  This is just as horrible but lasting much longer.

Puffer

Shelley gave me a shot from John's puffer last night and it opened my airways quite a lot, enough so that I feel much better today.  I still have that embarrassingly wheezy cough, though..never had one that sounded that way before.  It seems like I start to cough but run out of air to complete it.

I don't know if this is some kind of allergy but it sure has gone on far too long...all winter.

I have another worry, too.  My ears are still clogged and I'll be flying home on Saturday.  Clogged ears can become terribly painful when landing because of the pressure.  Will this never end???