My sister phoned me yesterday and, when I saw who it was on call display, I didn't answer the phone. The sound of her voice brought back all the hurt from 2 years ago when she disappointed me so severely that it cut me deeper than I would have thought possible. That was the day I'd broken my wrist (twisted bones) and she wouldn't go to the hospital with me. I could drive with great difficulty but I was in agony and couldn't open the car door to get out. There's much more to the story but suffice it to say that I've never really gotten over her betrayal when I was in desperate need.
I know my children are disappointed with me for shutting her out of my life but I've thought a lot about it today and know I don't hate her but I think it would break my heart to be around her. I can only describe it as a feeling almost of fear. I knew she had her faults but I never would have believed she'd turn her back on me when I needed her help so badly. It's very difficult to wrap my mind around what happened that day.
My girls have said that life is too short to carry grudges, especially with family, but this isn't a grudge. I don't know what to call it...I only know it would cut me to the quick to look into her eyes and try to see the sister I thought I had and to know she isn't who I thought she was. It's almost a feeling of repulsion and I'd prefer to not see her than to feel that way about her.
And so I'll drift along through life without her and wonder how this will all end.
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