Still Making Changes

When my husband passed away 3 years ago, I found that it was difficult for me to look at large pictures of him but 5"x7" photos didn't seem to bother me. There were a few of the larger photos in the house only because my children had taken some special photos of him and had them enlarged and framed for the funeral. These I gave right back to them as soon as the funeral was over.

In the past 3 years I've disposed of so many of my husband's belongings and I can tell you it felt as though I was robbing him. His clothes went to my grandson's church but it was misery piling them up for their journey out of the house. I've tossed out much of the "junk" he'd accumulated over the years, too. None of it was junk to him because he knew he'd find a use for it one day but that day never came.

Every so often I've come across notes he'd written and, for whatever reason, that hurt me most of all. Maybe it's because the simple act of writing words on paper is such a personal act. You can envision the writer taking pen in hand and putting their thoughts into those words.

Just this week I bought a new telephone/address book because I just couldn't stand seeing my husband's writing in the old one any more. There were so many names and telephone numbers for people or places that concerned only him...like the marinas or best places to buy boat paint or winches. These things were very important to him and he could never have known as he entered them into our little book that there would come a day all too soon when they'd no longer have any importance in our lives.

I've worked my way slowly through his workroom in the basement, again feeling as though I'm stealing part of his life with every item I give away. It's much neater and emptier now and hardly looks like the old workroom. I'm slowly spreading the flotsom and jetsom of my own personal effects into what used to be his domain but, with every inch of space I claim, I feel as though I'm obliterating him a little bit more.

I hope this unsettling feeling won't always be with me but I really think it might.