Deserving

I'm close to tears right now because my neighbor picked up 2 huge hanging planters for me (at my request) from a grower he knows and now he won't accept payment for them. Where did all these wonderful people come from and why did it take most of my life to surround myself with them?

I swear that I deal with terrific people in my life all the time now and it still makes me feel undeserving to have found them all. Either I've lucked out in my golden years or this kind of person has always been around and I just failed to recognize them.

Are people nicer to me now that I'm getting up there in years? No, I don't think that's necessarily true because I know so darned many seniors that are super wonderful people. I tend to analyze myself and I think I know why this has all been a pleasant surprise for me.

When my husband was alive it seemed that all my attention was on him and there was little time for me to explore other friendships...and I mean friendships in the right way. Dennis wasn't the most sociable man except where his family was concerned and I was fortunate to care a great deal for his family and enjoy being with them.

Dennis frowned on me even going out for dinner and a movie with my sister so he wouldn't have accepted me having a strong girlie friendship with anyone. I think I blocked out potential friends because I knew it would cause animosity with my husband. It's sad but true that, when I met him at aged 15, he brain washed me into dropping all of my friends at that time. This is a common practice for some males and has something to do with their own insecurity.

When we retired to winter in Florida I had just begun to step out on my own and ignore his disapproval and that's where I really began to make friends. 43 years too late but better late than never.

Meeting so many new people and opening up my heart to them as friends was so easy and yet almost frightening for me because it was a new experience. I wasn't sure how to act and I wasn't certain that people would really like me. I'm a totally honest person so my behaviour reflected that and, lo and behold, I began to add more and more people to my expanding circle of friends. I'm still in awe.

As to the number of excellent human beings I call my friends, I feel truly blessed to have found them and to have had them care for me. Am I deserving? Logic tells me that we are all deserving but deep inside me lies insecurities that I haven't come to terms with yet.

Am I grateful? With every fibre of my being.