Life

I envy the people who can sail through life with never a ripple in their path. My path has been filled with bumps and detours, mud and muck. When I look at some of the crap I've survived, I have to believe I had a strong spirit to do so.

I sit here today, proud possessor of a host of people who love and respect me, and I know I did a few things right in my life. For any wrong I've done anyone, I apologize but, hell, I ain't no saint but I'm no devil, either. I make mistakes just like everyone else on this earth and I'm through beating myself up for them.

I think one of the biggest mistakes I made in life was to put my husband before my children...and before myself. Marrying so young at seventeen means my normal maturity process was stunted. No, you don't grow up fast when you marry and have children at seventeen. You miss a whole bunch of years that are needed to mature naturally. In any case, my children missed out by not having a mature and stable mother but what's done is done and can't be changed now.

I loved my children dearly and wanted the best for them but I kept getting sidetracked by a rocky marriage I couldn't seem to make right. All of this brought an incipient depression into fruition and we all had to deal with that over at least 25 years. Not my fault, you might say? Well, no, but it was my role in life to provide a better childhood for my children and I wasn't able to do it. Somehow, they grew up to be good, productive citizens in spite of it all and I'm proud of that.

There are days when I really do beat myself up for any mistakes I made in life but today is not one of them. Today reality has kicked in and I know who and what I am. And I'm okay with it.