I Analyze

One of my biggest failings is that I analyze everything and often over-analyze.  It's very important to me to know where I stand and that's got to be a lack of self confidence on my part.  It's understandable when I consider my background...I already analyzed that.

When I become insecure in where I stand, I back off for a while to adjust my thinking.  I can handle just about any situation as long as I understand the truth in it and am not blinding myself to reality.  I often wonder if other people ever feel this way...feeling confident for a period of time and then losing that confidence only to gain it back later.  A terribly unsettling  feeling!

It would be so lovely to have unconditional love.  Faye and Donna were here today and we talked about how well Larry takes care of Joyce and that's because he worships the ground she walks on and always has.  Joyce, even in her present day onset of Alzheimers, has supreme confidence in Larry's love and knows she can always count on him and that's given her a sense of peace and a better ability to deal with her situation.

I don't think that ever in my whole life I've felt that kind of security.  I didn't get it as a child, either, and came to the realization at a very young age that there just wasn't anyone I could count on 100%.  You might think that would make me envy people like Joyce but it doesn't.  It makes me happy to see it because I know that's the way life is meant to be.  

When I would see sweet old couples holding hands, it would warm my heart.  Or seeing a special, soft look between a loving couple that showed they were connected, makes me happy but a bit wistful.  One day, as Donna and I got back to my building from visiting Faye, Frank was already there waiting in his car to drive her home.  Frank immediately hopped out of the car to hurry to us and help Donna carry her parcels but he stopped part way and rushed back to his car.  It was raining out and he'd gone back to get an umbrella so Donna wouldn't get wet.  I bet not many people would take note of that but I did.  It was a sweet moment of just a touch more caring and it, too, warmed my heart.

I think I'm tuned into those moments maybe more than is good for me.  It might make me more sensitive to the slightly hurtful moments we're all going to experience once in a while.  I used to rage when I was hurt but, thanks to some good counseling in my past, I've learned to step back and do my darned analyzing but do it by considering more than one option.  One thing that works well is to distance myself until my strength and confidence returns.

It's probably inevitable that my renewed confidence won't last long and something will get me down again but I've noticed that I'm never down for long any more.  Now, if I were to analyze that, it would tell me that I'm a heck of a lot stronger than I thought I was..and that's a very good thing.