Almost Back

I got to thinking, as I felt much better today than yesterday, how awful it must feel to be sick and failing.  It must make you feel as though your body has just stopped working to keep you alive.

Dennis was very angry all through his illness and I always thought it was because he'd lost control over his body but it just might have been anger at his body for letting him down.

Dennis was a runner and never carried an ounce of fat on himself.  He ate fairly well and drank very little alcohol.  His demon was cigarettes and he'd been hooked on them since the age of 16.  He was slender but strong because he'd always done physical work.  

I know he initially believed his esophageal cancer diagnosis could be put behind him, that he'd survive it with simple will power.  It was not to be and, as he sickened, he became even more angry...not with what he was losing but with his inability to control his fate.

As I, a much older woman than Dennis was when he died and as someone who has not taken care of herself over the years, continue to recover from this dreadful cold, I'm filled with awe at the ability of the human body to persevere.  I noticed yesterday that I could feel my strength returning more and more as each hour passed.  Amazing!  It was as though my immune system had gained momentum and was chugging me towards a healthy standard.

I guess there is a time when your body doesn't have the ability to return to normal.  It weakens and stops functioning to sustain you.  It has done it's best but it's best becomes not quite good enough.

As I gain strength in recovering from the germs that invaded my body, I don't feel as though it was me controlling the process.  Our bodies operate in their own way at their own time and they either are strong enough to overcome an illness or they're not.  I do believe attitude has something to do with it but the mind can't control everything.  Sometimes the body as a whole tells us that it's too weary to carry on, that the illness is too tough an adversary to overcome.

But today my body is telling me there's strength in the old girl yet!