Feeling Guilty

I used to always joke that there must be some Jewish blood running through my veins because I have the worst guilt complex over every little indiscretion or even blessing in my life.  All my self analyzing has never explained why that happens to be.

Today is another one of those "nothing special to do" unless I decided to houseclean and I'm wondering what I ever did to deserve such a nice life in my old age.  I only ever worked part time and that was for small wages and I've never been a good cook or immaculate housekeeper so how and why did this pleasant life come about?

The only way to explain it is the unfairness in the world.  Not many seem to get what they deserve, whether they've been good or bad.  I watched a poignant documentary on T.V. last night of a hospice (I think it was titled "Seven Songs") where the residents had the most beautiful voices.  They were of all ages but one was only 39 years old, had barely lived out half her normal lifespan.  Where is the fairness here?

In my lifetime, I've cried at what I considered terrible unfairness in my life but maybe that's because I expected too much.  We learn as we get older just what is important and what is nothing to cry about.  At least we should!  Looking back, I realize that I was mainly the creator of my own bits of misfortune and could have/should have handled it differently.  I've never been one of those people who moan "poor me" because, even in the bad times, I knew there were people much worse off than me.  All bad times are relative and mine were tough but didn't kill me.

Here I sit, still in my nightie, playing games on the computer and mildly considering just what little chore I'll complete today.  My apartment is neat but a little dusty.  Laundry was done a few days ago and so was grocery shopping.  My biggest dilemma at the moment is what pattern to use on my new Swedish weaving table runner.  

I started out life poor but smart and being smart has been what ultimately saved me.  I've never longed for riches but craved what every human being should have...a home of my own, children, and lots of love.  I took good health for granted.  My life has taken a lot of twists and turns but I survived, as most of us will if we just don't give up.  Every day, especially at my present age, is a gift.  Every day is a chance to make up for any wrongs I committed.  Every day is an opportunity to feel love.

I guess I'm feeling kind of reflective today because of that darned documentary I watched.  I honestly have never done anything to deserve the good, long life I'm living but maybe the answer is one of my theories.  We live until we get it right.  It seems to be taking me a long time!