Mortality

I'm feeling my mortality this morning mainly because Donna is back in the hospital.  She needs heart surgery but it can't be done before the infection in her foot has been healed.  It's such a helpless feeling for me and it must be totally frustrating for her because there's nothing to do but wait until the doctors make their moves.

I still don't worry about death but i'm becoming more aware that it's getting closer for me and I think it should worry me.  Who knows what comes after but I have high hopes that it's something wonderful.  I analyze it all the time trying to imagine what is the most logical sequence but, again, who knows?

I just hate it when one of my loved ones is ill and I know that the older we get the less strength we have to fight off the damned illness.  It doesn't seem to matter if we live to be 100 (that's not in my plans), we'd prefer to go out feeling good.  There used to be a joke going around that said a person died with a smile on their face while having sex but I bet that rarely happens.  I'd prefer to pass away with the same angelic smile I saw on my friend, Lou's, face a few days before she passed away.  She was ready.

Anyway, I may be feeling a little nostalgic for the young and healthy days when we rarely thought about death but I'm not unhappy, just maybe dwelling on it more than I should.  Today is Kim's 61st birthday and what I'm feeling most is how lucky I am to have brought her into this world.  I love her more than words can express and I hope she can still feel that love after I'm gone.  Like energy, the feeling of love will outlive all of us.