Honestly, if you want to forget your worries or concerns for a little while, go to the casino. I needed a big escape yesterday and decided to go driving. That's usually a good escape for me when I don't want to dwell on unpleasant things but my driving took me too close to a casino so that's where I ended up.
There was no excitement or happy anticipation as I walked in, just the knowledge that, even for just a little while, I would soon be concentrating only on the slot machine in front of me. I know this is silly and selfish in a way but it was also a harmless way to ease my mind. If I lost, I could afford it and, if I won, good. I had no intention of losing much because I also had no intention of staying there very long. As it turned out, I stayed 5 hours and lost $60 so it was money well spent (or lost).
I am in depression but it's an understandable state right now and hopefully won't last too long. I'm losing Donna who has been part of my life since I was 17 years old and that's not easy for anyone. It would be odd if I wasn't depressed. It's that awful feeling of helplessness that comes when what we see as an oncoming tragedy is beyond our control to stop. I hate every second of this, more because it's sort of come out of the blue.
We oldsters hurt the most when one of our beloved senior family passes away because we're losing part of our history, part of our very existence, and we see ourselves fading away, too. We don't fear our own impending deaths...that's not what bothers us. We worry that just maybe the people who believe all life ends with death are right. I don't believe that. I believe in some kind of hereafter because that's what makes sense to me.
And so I took my miserable little self to the casino yesterday, any place to rid my mind of such constant sadness.
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