Visiting Someone Who Is Terminally Ill

For most of us it's very difficult to know what to say when we visit someone who is terminally ill. We're worried we'll sound too flippant if we try to keep the conversation light and we're also worried about how to approach the subject of illness or death. It would be wrong to visit a terminally ill person and never mention their circumstances. That would be like dismissing an important part of their existence.

Years ago I made the much regretted mistake of not visiting my niece who was dying from breast cancer. I felt there was nothing I could do to make things better for her and that I'd only be in the way. I can't tell you how wrong I was and how much I wish I could turn back the clock.

Today I visited an old friend who is terminal. We weren't very close friends and only saw each other occasionally at the best of times. I'd been reluctant to visit her because "I felt there was nothing I could do to make her feel better"...sound familiar?

She was having a relatively good day and seemed genuinely happy to see me. In the course of conversation she mentioned how nice it was to have visitors to talk to because she spent so much time just resting. By the time I left we'd talked about everything under the sun and her impending death was one of the topics. She brought it up herself and seemed at peace with the inevitable.

As I left she hugged me and asked me to please come back again soon. I could see clearly that my taking the time to spend a few hours with her had mattered.

It's important when visiting a seriously ill person that you call ahead to make sure they're up for the visit. Then watch them carefully to know when you should leave and let them rest...they won't always tell you but the signs are usually quite evident when their energy is spent.

Let them discuss what interests them and don't shy away from uncomfortable subjects such as their illness. Be honest and speak to them with respect. They don't necessarily want your sympathy but they do need your understanding.

Today we laughed about life and even spent a bit of time discussing glass. She had a lovely vase and wondered if I could identify it. I knew the pattern and value immediately and we joked about how it had spent many years half forgotten and just gathering dust...like a lot of our little treasures.

I hope she has enough time left on this earth for many more visits. I plan to be there till the end and do whatever little thing I can to make her final days a little easier.