2010 Turd Toss

The crowds were large and noisy, lining both sides of the road and 3 or 4 deep. Most had brought their lawn chairs and refreshments to watch the great annual Turd Toss in our Florida park.

Two (scrubbed clean) porcelain toilets stood in the middle of the road having been placed a precise distance (?) apart. Four turd replicas awaited the contest.

Mark, the Head Turd, had his table set up in front of his trailer. He looked glorious wearing his huge Head Turd hat, made by Linda last year, I think. Those of us wishing to compete for the title of Turd King or Turd Queen lined up at the table waiting patiently to sign in, all of us hopeful of earning the grand title.

Candy's karaoke machine was set up so that Mark would have a microphone to carry his voice to all the audience who waited in eager anticipation of seeing their favorite become park royalty. Some did have their favorites but all cheered wildly for every contestant and even dragged reluctant ones out of the audience and forced them to compete. Mark's first pronouncement was to introduce last year's king and queen, Dick and Sheila. They dutifully posed for pictures in front of and on top of the toilets. We take this very seriously but giggles could be heard.

Then the contest began. Four people at a time, two on each end, took turns tossing their turds. It was really surprising what horrible aim most of them had because turds flew everywhere. When one managed to land in a toilet there were roars of laughter and cheers from the audience and looks of amazement on the tosser's faces.

I wanted to win this year so badly. My plans were to buy a tiara and put a little sign on it saying Turd Queen that I could wear whenever I felt like it. The official Turd Queen hat can only be worn on the day of the contest and in our park parade. But it was not to be this year because I failed to dunk both my turds so I wasn't even in the turd toss off. Crap!

King Dick dunked both his turds on the first try but for some dumb reason they made him join in the turd toss off with all the men who had only dunked one. He still won and is Turd King for another year. What an honor!

I think more ladies than men managed to dunk one turd so there was a huge women's toss off with Molly winning in the end.

My heart was sore as I watched the 2010 King and Queen Turds posing for their pictures. They looked so happy wearing their huge turd hats and smiling for photos.

Maybe next year.