Yesterday I slept 4 hours in the afternoon, totally exhausted and not knowing why. Then I had to fight to stay awake until 9 P.M., sleeping through until 8 A.M. this morning. All through this weird period, I had the strangest feeling of apprehension or anxiety for an unknown reason. It was as though I felt something horrible was about to happen but I had no idea what it was.
Since I suffered from depression for many years, I know this is a dangerous sign so I can't ignore it. I really have nothing much to be depressed about so I'm hoping this was just me having a bad day and I'll go my merry way from here on. It's been so long since I had depression that I've assumed I'd be free of it forever and, with luck, I will.
The danger of depression is that you are deep in the dungeons of it before you recognize you're in trouble. I'm very knowledgeable about all aspects of depression but that didn't help me recognize it's return when I thought I was safely off antidepressants years ago. Each time I was weaned off antidepressants, I thought I was "cured" but gradually the depression would slither back in and I'd be in misery again.
I've been off medication for 10 years, not counting the year I voluntarily went back on when my husband was sick. I've been happy and had no worrisome symptoms of depression in all that time so maybe I'm making a mountain out of a molehill now. But depression is like cancer in a way. Once you are afflicted, even if you were cured years ago, you still worry that it might come back.
I'm just going to hope that yesterday was an anomaly in my happy little life and wont recur. What the heck else can one do?
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