Old/Poignant Memories

I'm sure that most people have old memories that keep cropping up now and then, some are not pleasant and this is one of mine.

When I was maybe 11 or 12 years old, the circus was in town and I went there with a couple of girlfriends. In those days there was no real danger of young girls like us going anywhere alone like it is today so we had more freedom of movement. Also, in those days, the circuses had a section called the "Freak Show" where people with oddities of appearance could be seen for the price of admission. It was a dehumanizing practice but accepted by our society at that time.

I remember walking up to the tent and seeing a large picture of a young man or boy with the words "Frog Boy" emblazoned on it. I remember thinking it wasn't right for a poor deformed boy to be put on display but, still, I did pay the admission and we walked inside the tent.

It was poorly lit and I was very nervous about what I was about to see. At some point I became aware of someone looking at me and I looked towards a spot on a raised stage where a young boy in his late teens lay on the floor on his side. His deformity was such that it appeared he had two knees on each leg, thus explaining the title of "frog boy".

I remember feeling ashamed of myself for being there, being a voyeur to the boy's sad deformity. I remember how his eyes looked as he watched me. There was no hatred or aggression in them, just passivity, as if to say "This is what you paid to see. Are you proud of yourself?". I wasn't and I've carried that memory with me for close to 60 years.

He moved slowly across the stage in a strange sort of crawl, apparently unable to walk upright. I have no memory of the announcer's story as the boy moved clumsily around the stage, only how deeply it saddened and shamed me at the same time. It was one of those moments that you know in your heart is not right. It was wrong for his deformity to be exploited and it was wrong for me to support the exploitation by paying to look at him.

But, what is also important is what he conveyed to me when his eyes met and stayed on mine. It taught me at that very young age the true meaning of humility. I was humbled by him.

I don't know what made me think of him tonight. These memories come and go once in a while and, as always, I remember his eyes and how they made me feel. I still feel shame for myself...and I also wish I'd had a chance to get to know him.