Bird's Nest

I've battled the darned sparrows all summer long trying to deter them from laying eggs on the balcony.  As they would begin building a nest, I'd dismantle it and actually thought I was winning.  I thought that, without a nice big nest in a planter, the sparrows would build one somewhere else to lay their eggs.  No.  They laid the eggs on a pretty barren floor of my magnificent geranium so now the geranium is lost.  I can't water it because of the eggs.

If anything, this epic battle with the tiny sparrows has taught me that nature will always win out.

After A Death

I was a basket case while Donna was in the hospital because, in my heart, I believed there had to be something I could discover to save her.  It about drove me up the wall when the staff removed all nutrition...I felt she could survive if they just gave her more time.  This feeling didn't go away even after she passed.

As the days have gone on, I think of her constantly and the huge space she occupied in my long life but the tears are gone now.  I wonder where where she is and hope it's a good place where I'll find her when my time comes.

As each day passes, I don't miss her less but I accept the reality that she really has passed away and there's nothing I can do to change that.  I remember following this same path of emotions when others have died and maybe it's nature's way of healing us.  We can't wallow in grief for too long or it's debilitating...each death will affect us for a different length of time, though.  I'm sure Donna never quite escaped the grief of losing Jill.

Death comes to us all in the end and it seems it never comes at the right time.  I don't know if it's because we cling to life or fear the unknown of death.  It's got to be harder for an atheist to give up their life but I'm an agnostic with doubts and hopes.  I do believe in an afterlife.  

And today I'll think of Donna again and remember the good times.

Family Reunion

This is going to be so much fun!  I love New Brunswick and know that it really should have been my birthplace...I wouldn't be surprised if I found out my "father" had been born there.

I'm almost packed.  We'll have a washer and dryer in our rental cottage so I don't have to go overboard with clothes.  I'm taking a small suitcase and a garment bag and that should do me just fine.

Cindy said they have a brunch planned for my birthday on Aug. 5 before everyone heads off to their travelling.  I'm staying on at the cottage for the week and Marilee is coming to stay with me.  Tyson will also be there most of the time, too.  Such a great family time!!

Our bunch all get back on the Friday and we'll be heading home in our respective vehicles, driving straight through.  I know it will be good to be back home in my own bed but I'm going to miss N.B.  Dennis' family there has always made me feel as though I'm a part of their family so I never feel like an outsider.  

There will be family from the States, too, all coming together to celebrate their connection to the Neilson clan (Ferne is one of the daughters).  I'm not sure who is left of that original family but they sure were prolific to have progeny coming from all over Canada and the States.  The Neilsons were originally from Denmark and came through the States to settle in New Denmark, New Brunswick about 100 years ago.  They took rocky, barren land and turned it into the most beautiful farmland possible.  It's a little too far north for a day trip, though, but I'm hoping one day Nick will see that the little boys get to visit the New Denmark museum and see their heritage.

Maybe these family reunions thrill me so much because I have so little family background myself.  It's nice to be connected even if it is by marriage to such a wonderful group of people.

Don't Like

I was asked yesterday if I'm going to the yard sale at Donna's house and I was horrified.  The very thought of going through Donna's things is truly horrifying to me even though I know it has to be done before the house is put up for sale.  She's bequeathed her monk's cloth to me and Faye and that I can handle because we're the only ones who can do it justice.  Anything else will have to be done away from my eyes because it would break my heart to see it.

When I used to yard sale, I sometimes went to estate sales and felt a terrible guilt even though I didn't know the people whose things I was going through.  All I could think of is that, in the recent past, a living person treasured these items and probably never believed a day would come when strangers would be pawing over them.

Donna kept a lovely neat and tidy home with carefully selected knickknacks that meant something special to her.  Her garden was one of the most beautiful I've ever seen.  This was her "home".  It is so unbearably sad. 

Heat Wave

Growing up we never had air conditioning of any kind but I did live in an old house converted to apartments that had 10' ceilings.  I don't remember it being unbearably hot there at any time but we also never had the kind of heat waves we're experiencing now.  

Kids probably handle heat waves better than adults because they're active and concentrating on being kids instead of paying attention to the weather.  Being the old gal that I am, the heat hits me like a sledge hammer as soon as I walk out of an air conditioned building.  I concentrate on getting to my air conditioned car as quickly as I can!

I have my doubts about global warming because we had a very cool spring but suffering through weeks in the summer of 90+ weather is definitely not normal for this climate.  If anything, I do believe we're having extremes of weather we haven't had a decade or so ago.  

As I sit in my comfy apartment with the air conditioner and fans keeping it cool, I always think about just how many seniors are out there with no air conditioning at all and no funds to buy even a little window air conditioner.  I know there must be a lot of them.  I haven't heard of any unnecessary deaths caused by the heat yet but I'll bet there have been some.

One of my fears is that my window unit will break down (it's now 6 years old) in the middle of a heat wave and I won't be able to find a new one in the stores.  Stores did run out of the window units a few years ago and right in the middle of a serious heat wave.  I've seriously thought of buying a new one and storing it until needed.

Well, today it will be slightly cooler and there is some cloud cover so I've taken that opportunity to open the doors and windows to let some fresh air into the apartment.  We will have decent weather for the rest of the week and the rest of summer looks to be nice also.  I hope!

Some Will and Some Won't Believe

I felt Donna's presence in my home all day yesterday.  It was a very peaceful experience, no talking but just a quiet and peaceful companionship.  It doesn't matter one bit that some will put this down to a vivid imagination.  I guess I'm open to the after death visions and feelings I've had and maybe that's why I have them.  I felt she was letting me know she was at peace.

When Donna was in the hospital and off life support, one of the things I asked of her is that she come back and let me know what she found.  She said she didn't know where she was going but I told her she was going to my "garden" (afterlife garden).  

I wish we could have kept her here but fate took over.  Wherever she is, I hope she's happy.

Donna's Passing

I've spent much of the past few weeks visiting Donna at the hospital and most of that time believing she would recover but it wasn't to be.  Donna passed away this morning.

I consider myself a very lucky person to have enjoyed Donna's friendship for 62 years.  Just think how long that is and how ingrained we became as friends.  I have a lifetime of memories with Donna and, believe me, we survived some rough times.  Donna had a perfect little son, Todd, and then what we thought was a perfect little daughter, Jill, but it turned out that Jill was severely handicapped for her 44 years of life.  Donna and Frank cared for her at home and gave her all the love they could.

Todd married and had his 2 sons, Mitchell and Ryan, and that gave Donna 2 more offspring to love.  She took care of them while their parents worked even while giving Jill the extensive care she needed.  I believe those were happy years for Donna.

After Jill passed away a couple of years ago, Donna had more free time and we started meeting on Tuesday afternoons for Swedish weaving, tea and home made goodies (made by Faye or Donna), and lots of chatting and laughter.  Those were precious times and I'm grateful we had them.

Donna held strong when her leg was amputated a few weeks ago because the infection prevented her from having the heart surgery she desperately needed.  We though she was recovering well but her heart was just too damaged.

Her mind remained lucid right up to the end and I know she left this world knowing how much she was loved by her family and friends.  That is all that counts in this world and I wish more people could understand that.  Nothing matters except the love of family and friends.

I look at her sitting spot on the end of my sofa and I smile because the memories are so good.  We didn't know it at the time just how memorable those moments would be for those of us left behind.  Treasure your moments!

Lost At The Casino

Honestly, if you want to forget your worries or concerns for a little while, go to the casino.  I needed a big escape yesterday and decided to go driving.  That's usually a good escape for me when I don't want to dwell on unpleasant things but my driving took me too close to a casino so that's where I ended up.

There was no excitement or happy anticipation as I walked in, just the knowledge that, even for just a little while, I would soon be concentrating only on the slot machine in front of me.  I know this is silly and selfish in a way but it was also a harmless way to ease my mind.  If I lost, I could afford it and, if I won, good.  I had no intention of losing much because I also had no intention of staying there very long.  As it turned out, I stayed 5 hours and lost $60 so it was money well spent (or lost).

I am in depression but it's an understandable state right now and hopefully won't last too long.  I'm losing Donna who has been part of my life since I was 17 years old and that's not easy for anyone.  It would be odd if I wasn't depressed.  It's that awful feeling of helplessness that comes when what we see as an oncoming tragedy is beyond our control to stop.  I hate every second of this, more because it's sort of come out of the blue.

We oldsters hurt the most when one of our beloved senior family passes away because we're losing part of our history, part of our very existence, and we see ourselves fading away, too.  We don't fear our own impending deaths...that's not what bothers us.  We worry that just maybe the people who believe all life ends with death are right.  I don't believe that.  I believe in some kind of hereafter because that's what makes sense to me.

And so I took my miserable little self to the casino yesterday, any place to rid my mind of such constant sadness.   

Life Force

It's always amazed me how strong our life force is.  When I pull up to a stop light and see a little weed that has forced itself up through the concrete, it's a reminder of just why we're here.  We are alive and that gives us super strength to stay alive.

You hear of people who have been trapped in rubble for days and who survive the experience...that's the life force in them that doesn't give up easily.  Even at the worst of times, when we're near death, that damned life force keeps us hanging on long after we've given up in our minds.  The body refuses to give up.

There has to be a reason for this.  There has to be a reason why we're here in the first place.  There has to be a reason why too many of us waste the opportunity of the life that's been granted to us.  Why do we endanger this precious life by going to war against our fellow man?  Why do some of us gain pleasure from taking another's life?  

In the end, even that indomitable life force will fade away and we'll leave this world for the unknown.  All of the hatred and pettiness we've allowed ourselves to be involved in will be meaningless.  The only things that will matter in the end is the good we've accomplished.  This life is important even if we don't know the reason why. 

My Corner of the World

I've surrounded my little home with the things that make me smile...flowers and glass.  Every piece of glass or pottery on the table was purchased second hand, either from a yard sale, second hand store, or from Ebay.  None of it cost very much at all but is priceless for the happiness it gives me.

The Swedish weaving table runner is one I just finished for myself and it, too, makes me smile when I see it.  I like pretty things and they don't have to be expensive, just pleasing to the eye.

The flowers I've arranged on the end of the balcony so that I can see them constantly from inside, too.  It's important to make your home a sanctuary, a haven away from the toils and troubles of the world. 

Sad

Donna is one of my dearest and oldest friends.  We've known each other since she was 15 and I was 17 and I've always felt we had an awful lot in common except she's the quiet one and I'm sort of loud.  It has always been a comforting and familiar time when we get together because we know each other so well and know the trials and tribulations of 2 quite long lifetimes.  Now she's not doing so well and needing 2 very serious surgeries. 

We've always joked about how Donna has outlived all of her relatives by at least 20 years and that it might be because of the supplements she takes.  She's very knowledgeable about supplements and what is good for whatever and she takes them religiously.  They haven't helped with her diabetes and that is one of the problems right now.  She has a terrible infection in her foot (common to diabetics) and can't have the heart valve surgery she needs unless the infection is cleared up.  After many months of trying to clear the infection, it's been decided she will have her leg amputated below the knee.  After this and after she has healed well enough she will have the heart surgery.  It is so much trauma for her body but she's one tough old broad who can see it through!

I love Donna.  She has been such a wonderful friend all these years and it worries me about what she is about to face.  I squawk all the time about my petty little aches and pains but this is seriously real!  I'm agnostic so I can't pray for her but I sure can send my energy out in in the form of healing thoughts.  It's almost like we're facing a marathon...first to heal from the amputation and then to heal from heart surgery.  Donna is 75 years old and I'm wondering just how strong her mental determination is to overcome these two hurdles.  

The first surgery will be within days so I have to gather up all the healing energy I can to surround her.  Shelley said that John would be a good person to explain to both Frank and Donna what the aftermath of the surgery will be like and that will be very helpful.  Frank has been such a loving and caring husband to Donna so she's very lucky to have him around to aid in her recovery.

Stress wears me out, Donna, so you have to recover quickly or I might end up in a hospital bed next to you.  LOL!

Seriously, please recover fast, my friend, because we have many things to talk and laugh about in future years.

Update:  Donna finally had her first surgery yesterday and is doing fine.  Now to heal up for the next surgery which will be to replace the heart valve.