The Shack

 If anyone had told me I'd have many of my questions about religion answered in the movie, "The Shack", I would have laughed at them.  But that's what really happened and I wasn't prepared for the intensity of it.

I'm not religious and that stems from my childhood when none of my questions were answered and I was always told, "just believe".  I came to understand that none of the adults knew the answers, either, and that made me think there was nothing but folklore to religion.

Yesterday, I'd skimmed through some terrible movies on Netflix until I spotted "The Shack" and decided to watch it as a last choice before giving up.  I watched to the very end, sobbing through most of it, and got many of my youthful questions answered in a way I could understand.  Who would have believed the answers would come to me in a B grade movie???

Sylvia had tried to explain to me that we are all free to make our choices, mistakes, and even to commit evil.  God, or whoever, didn't change the course of our behaviour but helped us through the aftermath.  That made no sense to me until watching "The Shack".  So much became clear to me and I know that I'd be a church goer if I'd seen this movie in my childhood.  Organized religion still means nothing to me but a higher power is starting to make sense. My belief that we're all connected was reinforced but the most profound revelation was the concept of forgiveness.  I have never been able to find it in my heart to forgive but this  movie gave me some insight on how to do that.  I'll work on it.

Again, who would have thought that, at the age of 80, many of my questions would be answered in a simple movie?

Sleeping Well

 Because I've had sleep issues most of my adult life, I really appreciate it when I sleep well.  It usually doesn't last for long, though, and I know I'll soon have those awful nights when my body is tired but my mind won't shut off.

I remember when I could get by on a couple of hours sleep but not any more.  If my sleep is disrupted that badly, I'll feel physically ill all day and there's no way to pull myself out of it.  Sometimes I'm so worn out that I still can't sleep and that's true misery.  This is why I'm thoroughly enjoying the last week or so that I've slept well because it gives me energy for the day.

Dennis used to fall asleep within a minute of laying down his head and I'm sorry but I resented that.  Of course, he'd worked hard all day, too, but I think he just had good sleep habits.  Kim is like him...I think Shelley sleeps well but Cindy might not.  I don't remember my mother or grandmother having trouble with sleeping so I doubt it's hereditary.  My own sleeping habits changed drastically when I began having emotional problems so it's more a state of mind than physiological.

I still have a nap in the afternoon...maybe a half hour to an hour and seem to need it, especially when I get up before dawn.  I don't do much physical work but keep my mind busy more than my body.  Age has something to do with it, too.

We've had a few really hot days but August has not been near as hot as July was.  In fact, it's been mostly lovely summer weather but with little rain.  I have memories of lovely summer days when I was young and I can still remember the feel of the warmth on my skin.  I love when my senses recall summer rains and the freedom of youth.  Life was very much less dangerous in those days and that's why we were allowed a lot of freedom to wander even as a young child.  These days, I panic if I see a child under the age of 12 walking by themselves.  How did we become such an evil society where children aren't safe on the streets?

Well, I've played on the computer, made my bed and washed a few dishes.  Time to do some Swedish weaving and watch some talk shows.  I'm feeling peaceful.

Serenity Now

 

I'm not sure how to use essential oils or which ones I should buy but I thought I'd give it a try.  I'm feeling less than serene right now and need a change.

I first bought a couple of little bottles of essential oils at Goodness Me...thought I couldn't go wrong there!  I got lavender for tranquility and orange for uplifting.  I hope these are right.  Anyway, once I bought the oils, I started checking Amazon and Wayfair for a diffuser, knowing only that I wanted a glass one.  I ended up buying the one you see in the photo ($44) from Amazon and it arrived the following day.

A cute incident happened when it was delivered.  My phone rang and it was someone in the lobby but I couldn't understand him so I went downstairs to the door.  When I got off the elevator, there stood a smiling Indian man in traditional, colorful clothing like I'd only seen in photos.  I'm assuming he was a recent immigrant and hadn't had a chance to buy new clothes.  He just looked so exotic and lovely dressed as he was and it made me happy just to look at him.

Anyway, it was the diffuser he was delivering and I was really surprised to receive it so quickly.  I always worry I won't understand the instructions on a new item but, other than the print being terribly small, I figured this out in no time and had my beautiful diffuser working.  With only 100 ml of water and 5 drops of essential oil (I'll put more oil in next time), it gave off an intermittent mist for over 5 hours.  I set it to change colors automatically and it was so pretty to see.

I'm in my final years and want to go out on a sea of tranquility, no arguing, no yelling, no being cursed at.  This is the way I choose.

Time and People

It's so true that, as you grow older, you begin running out of both time and the people who matter in your life.  I've been very aware of this for a long time now and lived through some pretty tough moments in the process.  The knowledge that my time here on earth is shortening every days has made me more aware of what I don't want in my life.  I don't want people who abuse me in any way because those are people I can't trust.  I don't want dissension and being around people who love a "good" argument.  I don't want to be around people who don't care about my well being.

I do want to be around calm people, people who enjoy life and the moment.  I want to be around people I'm familiar with but it's always nice to meet a new friend, too.  I want very much for my world to be peaceful because, if it isn't, I have to escape to where it is.

I'm always very much aware of the atmosphere that's surrounding me and, when it's hostile, I can't get out fast enough.  There was a time the atmosphere in my home was so cold and unwelcoming that I drove right past my house and just drove around for a while until I could tolerate going inside.  I don't ever want to be in a situation like that again.

I've decided to buy some essential oils and a diffuser for my apartment.  This will be a new learning curve for me to find out which oils are best for calmness..I think chamomile and lavender are good ones.  Then I have to research to find out which oils are worth buying.  I'm on a search for peace and tranquility because it is true that I'm running out of people and time so I want the rest of my life to be the best it can be. 

Sciatic Pain Gone

 I woke up this morning and walked all the way to the bathroom before I realized my sciatic pain was gone.  It had taken 16 days of mostly excruciating pain and leg weakness but it was finally gone.  That's the longest and worst bout of sciatica that I've ever had and, as usual, worried it was here to stay instead of being intermittent.  I normally have a degree of discomfort with sciatica for a few days only and it has never affected my leg before.

I don't think the muscle relaxer prescribed by my doctor helped other than to ensure I got a good nights sleep.  I took Shelley's advice and took Aleve morning and night for about 12 of those days and, even though it didn't mask the pain as well as I thought it should, it did seem to help diminish it over the 16 days until it just faded away to nothing.

I've always planned on taking medical marijuana if and when I'm in chronic pain and this time the pain lasted long enough for me to start thinking about having a talk about it to my doctor.  Mary B. has chronic back pain that has debilitated her for years and she now takes a drop of the oil twice a day and her pain is gone.  That's my plan for when I might need it!

I stayed up way too late last night watching some really interesting movies on Netflix.  Something I've noticed is how often the characters say f--k.  I'm not a prude but having the dialogue filled to overflowing with that word seems to make the writers appear lazy.

Anyway, no pain is good!   

Comments

 The new format for the blogs allowed me to see a full list of all the comments I've received and I looked at them closely.  What I noticed is that there were a few in a foreign language so, not knowing what they said, I deleted them.  There was one from somebody offering sex and I deleted that darned quickly.

There were a few that had already been deleted by blogspot which left me wondering just how awful they must have been.  I really have to read these comments more often because i obviously miss a lot. 

Stranger Danger

 Well, I got a shock the other day.  Two of my neighbors knocked on the door to tell me someone had taken the pretty glass ornament off my apartment door and smashed it on the floor.  I asked who would do such a thing and they both pointed down the hall to the apartment of the crazy lady who, 2 years ago, had blasted me royally for having the nerve to do my laundry on a Saturday when she wanted to do hers.  Apparently this same lady is mentally disturbed (not surprised) and the police have been called when she began screaming out on her balcony.  She also spent a few months in a mental ward.  Holy crap!

My concern is that I feel physically attacked now and worry she might be getting worse and might hurt someone.  I spoke to the building superintendent and he said she can't be evicted unless she does attack someone.  I think that's ridiculous.  We're mainly seniors in this building (she's in her 50's) and an attack on us could be deadly.  I feel a whole lot less safe in my home now.

So far 2020 has been full of unpleasant surprises.

Needing Help

I will put off or suffer through anything rather than ask for help but I know there will always be things I do need help with.  Fortunately, I have great family that will always come to my rescue but that's not the case for a lot of seniors.  We become weaker with age and don't always have a car available to us.  I see this every time I go out...elderly ladies with their grocery carts walking with difficulty up the street to what I assume is the grocery store many blocks away.  Some might just be very independent but I'll bet most just do the best they can without available help from anyone.

I've been trying to get rid of a cute bamboo table that I'd used for the T.V....I'd bought a larger T.V. that didn't fit on the old table.  I offered it to my family but no-one wanted it.  I offered it to the Salvation Army but they're not taking in any furniture at this time.  I finally was able to have Decor On A Dime take it in on consignment but I had to depend on my family to take it there.  Matt was my first go-to but the store is only open on shorter hours now so I had to ask my son-in-law, Don, who immediately said he'd do it.  I am very lucky with my family and try not to burden them any more than I have to but it's really comforting to know I can always count on them.

I often think how different it would be if I'd never had children.  Many seniors end up depending on their children for various things.  Seniors have gradually lost their friends to illness or death, plus their existing friends are also too feeble to be of much help to them.  Many women of my generation are on very low incomes and can't afford to hire help, either.  You don't think of these things when you're young but they do become a sad fact when you're old.

I know how lucky I am and never take my family for granted.  As much as I hate asking for their help, I know it's there if I need it.   

Getting My Car Fixed

I scraped the side of my car pulling into my parking spot and it needs a proper repair job because the scrape is so deep.  It doesn't help that I've been burned by repair shops before being a woman who knows nothing of the work or the fair cost of a repair and my kids haven't been able to provide me with a decent shop they've used.  So I went to a local shop to take my chances and was given a price of $1100.  That was twice what I'd hoped but I do understand that I really do know nothing of what it should cost.

Cindy has a friend with a shop that does oil changes and repairs tires but he doesn't do collision repair.  He'd done really well by me when I had a brake job so I took a chance and called him to see if he knew of a trustworthy collision repair shop.  He immediately offered help and said to bring my car to him on Tuesday and he'll have someone come in and give me an estimate.  I'm hoping for anything less that $1100 because I have to get the car repaired before winter and rust sets in.  I'm hoping this will be the last car I have to buy...a 2012 Nissan Altima that has been a pretty much perfect car and still seems to be except for the damage I did to it.

I'm mad at myself for creating a huge expense but more angry that I hurt my car.  I really get attached to my car, especially if it's serving me well.  A car, for me, represents freedom of movement and I didn't own a car until 1984 so I still appreciate that freedom greatly and don't take it for granted.  I don't see any need to upgrade to a newer model, either.

Now, fingers crossed that my sweet little car gets a nice repair at a fair price.

I'm 80!

Today is my 80th birthday and I'm pretty grateful to have made it this far.  Normally I have very few aches and pains but right now I'm having one of my rare days with sciatica and it not only hurts but it's made my left leg a little weak so that walking is difficult.  Thank heavens I almost never have days like this or it might make me crabby.

I often reflect on what I would have done differently with my life and mainly I regret not getting a good education.  I quit school when at 16 thinking I was smart enough and more education at that moment was just a waste of my time.  I was so, so wrong.  Education in any shape or form only enriches your life so you should never stop learning.

I could wish I hadn't been foolish enough to get married at 17 but then I never would have had the wonderful family I have today.  The dynamics change with every change in direction.  Ever wonder how your life would have turned out if, when you reached that fork in the road, you'd gone left instead of right?  Well, mistakes and all, I'm grateful for the family I helped to create and wouldn't change that for the world.

I'm quite aware that turning 80 is significant in that there won't be a lot more birthdays for me.  I don't worry about it because I have strong, if not religious, beliefs of where I go when I die.  I envision peace, gardens, friends and family who have passed on already, and some kind of continued existence where I learn why I was born in the first place.  Someone better be ready to give me some answers!

I write this blog to impart information to my descendants who care to know who I was and how I felt.  Another one of my regrets is that I didn't delve more into my grandmother's life so that I could understand her better.  I plan on asking her a lot of questions when I meet up with her again, too.

The young tend to think that life is only good for the young but there are bonuses for every age.  Just try not to make too many mistakes you'll regret along the way and you'll be pleasantly surprised by the journey.