Services All Cancelled

When Shelley and John took over the lot rent for me at the park in Florida, I transferred ownership of the trailer over to them.  Ever since, I've carried a heavy load of guilt for burdening them with all of this and had intended to convince them to sell the trailer and, if and when I was able, I'd just rent a place in the park.  Now that my health prevents me from going to Florida at all, I hope they do sell it for sure.

I've cancelled all of the services (phone, internet, t.v, power) but am having Paul powerwash it so it looks nice for resale.  I knew this day would come some time or other and it isn't breaking my heart.  I will miss seeing the great friends I've made at the park but can keep in touch by Facebook.  Life is a series of changes, altering your path because of choice or circumstance so this is just another life change for me.

Something I don't like is not being able to plan too far ahead because I haven't had all my tests to see where my health stands.  It gives me a strange feeling of being "temporary".  Funny where your life takes you.

November Birthdays

We have two important birthdays in November in my family that I haven't had a chance to attend since I began wintering in Florida.  This year I got both!  Matt turned 30 on Friday and Kim had a birthday dinner for him.  He's so darned cute!!!  I love that boy/young man so very much and I know he knows it!

Today is Cindy's birthday and Kim and I have invited ourselves to her birthday dinner being put on by Tyson, Kyle, and Aeron.  They're doing the cooking and I hope the cleaning up afterward.  Being around family you love is the most comforting feeling in the world.

I don't know if I've mentioned this before but Cindy's birth was my most painful because the umbilical cord was wrapped around her neck.  This must have prevented her descent because my memory is of being in the final stage of labor for ages.  I wasn't told what was happening at the time and now know both of us were in danger.  Somehow she arrived, beautiful and perfect!

Anyway, today I get to hug my beautiful girl on her 57th birthday.  We are blessed!

Still Waiting

I haven't heard when the MRI will be but I've experienced a wild and wooly week.  It's been interesting that I haven't felt very upset about it all because I think I should be.  Of course, I'm hoping the cyst is benign but, in the back of my mind, it isn't.

I moped around all week with not much interest in doing anything, even housework.  I ate meals only because I felt I should but had no hunger at all and then discovered I couldn't tolerate much more than a morsel of food at each meal.  This resulted in a 6 lb. loss in 5 days.  Was it from the cyst or my mind??

Well, on Wednesday I'd had enough and made myself a lovely vegetable beef soup and ate a normal amount.  Hmmm!  I was dismayed to find I'd lost another lb. yesterday morning but felt a bit of appetite returning so I made another of my slow cooker concoctions...gluten free noodles and boneless/skinless chicken thighs simmered in a seasoned broth for about 5 hours.  Yummy!  I ate well all day and found I'd gained a lb. this morning.  Hmmm!

It is amazing how our unconscious brain drives every aspect of our being.  I knew that I eat excessively when upset but can't eat at all when terribly upset and this was the case with me all week.  I'm still very cautious about overloading my pancreas with sugar or starch so I'm steering away from fries and chips and that is a good thing.

As it stands...my appetite is back and I have no pain.  This doesn't change the fact that I have a cyst in my pancreas and my white blood count is out of whack but, for now, I feel pretty normal.

I'm still very happy to be home instead of in the States because here I have my doctor and my OHIP.    

Results

Yesterday's blood test results were a bit worse than the previous one and I'm down another lb.  Dismaying how you can go downhill so fast.

I haven't heard from my doctor yet about when the MRI is scheduled and I'm sort of anxious to hear what my treatment, if any, will be.  I'm assuming I'll be sent back to the hematologist but that will just be for observation because my white blood count is still not horribly high.

Today is laundry day but I just don't feel like doing much else.  I'm pretty sure I'm experiencing a bit of depression but I think that's perfectly normal considering the circumstances.  It could partly account for my loss of appetite, too.

And then I wait. 

Losing Weight

Isn't it just wrong that I've been trying to lose weight for most of my life and, now that it's happening, I can't tell if it's from the illness or if it's just my nerves which is turning me off food...I'm down 12 lbs since the summer and actually lost 4 lbs in the last 2 days.  I've always been a person who eats like a horse when I'm upset but, if the upset is extreme, I can't eat at all.  So, is this the reason?  I don't feel terribly upset but I am constantly concerned so maybe I am very upset.  Heaven only knows!

I've made all the arrangements (except internet and phone which can't be cancelled until November 25th) to shut down all services at the trailer.  As much as I complain about the inefficiency of phone, power, etc., the people I spoke to were very understanding and led me through the cancellations quickly.  Directv even eliminated the $180 fee I would have been charged for ending my contract with them before time.  

My lack of appetite is having an annoying effect on me.  I'm not used to having no appetite so I can't even enjoy the ensuing weight loss because it's kind of worrying.  I had bloodwork done today and am curious about whether or not my white blood cell count is worsening.

I also applied to the building superintendent for an underground parking spot and might have one by December 1st.  Even healthy, there's no way I want to have to dig my car out after a major snow storm.  I'm a little concerned with my ability to park in a tight underground space but I'll stick that in the back of my mind for now.

Now to wait for those darned blood test results.

Weight Loss

About the only possible symptom I have with this pancreatic cyst is weight loss and I'm finding it kind of hilarious that it's upsetting to get on the scale and find out I've lost another pound.  How long have I been trying to lose weight???  

Life is really weird.  You're very lucky to live a long life without poor health but one day it will happen...you just never know when.  I don't feel unhealthy right now at all but I have to be concerned with what I already know.  I'll take each step as it comes and hope, as always, for the best scenario.

Sylvia told me that I'm a deep thinker and that's true.  I don't live on the surface of life but explore the depths, too.  I can tell you that, at 76 years of age, I haven't figured out too much but I do know that a loving family and friends are what is most important.  Always has been and always will be!

Answer Wasn't Good

Well, my winter in Florida won't be happening.  The ultrasound showed that there is a 3.5 cm cyst in my pancreas and that is not good at all.  It could be benign but it also might not be.  My doctor is scheduling an MRI which he says will likely but not definitely show what kind of cyst it is.  From what I read on the internet, there is no definite way of knowing unless you have surgery to remove it and the surgery is pretty awful.  I'm thinking I might be too old to tolerate the surgery so I might just have to have regular ultrasounds to keep an eye on it.  No matter what, this isn't a good thing for me.

I read up on the internet as much as I could that didn't scare me and saw that the aftereffects of surgery were pretty awful, too.  They remove the pancreas or part of it, the gall bladder, and sometimes part of the stomach.  It just sounds so unpleasant and painful.  Apparently, more and more of these cysts are being found because so many people are having abdominal ultrasounds for other ailments.  In my case, it was to look for enlarged lymph glands and spleen, all of which were perfectly fine.

From what I read, these cysts can cause unbearable pain if they begin to irritate you but I have no pain at all right now.  My only symptoms that could be  caused by the cyst are a decreased appetite and slight loss of weight.  That is so unusual for me that it really is a huge symptom.

Something I can't understand is why I'm not more worried than I am.  Am I blocking reality?  I know what the outcome of this could be and yet I'm relatively calm.  It's as though everything is out of my hands and I'm just along for the ride.  Maybe the fear will hit later.

Waiting

As much as I hate taking medical tests, I hate waiting for the results even more.  You are on edge until you do...then you can relax or begin to deal with any bad news.  I hate this!

I've been up since about 4:30 A.M. because I gave up trying to get back to sleep after a middle of the night pee.  I figured I'd have an early shower and that would take up some time.  It did, about 10 minutes.  I expected to hear from my doctor at 8 A.M. because that's the time he called me on Monday to tell me the results of my bloodwork.  I assume the results of my ultrasound haven't reached him yet.

I don't think we were ever meant to have our body invaded with cameras or the contents of our blood analyzed.  What we don't know about what's going on inside our bodies might be a good thing.  At least we don't worry about what we don't know.

I'm 76 years old and, until a short while ago, I was having fun and now I'm testy and worried.  Not a whole lot but I'm sure not having fun right now.  Thank you, modern technology!

It's like having little no-seeums nipping at you.

Speck of Good News

When my doctor sent me for an abdominal ultrasound, I knew it was to see if there were any enlarged lymph nodes to explain the increase in my white blood cell count.  I had the ultrasound this morning and, unlike any technician I've ever come across, this one was willing to answer some of my questions.

Shelley had told me that lymph node enlargement would show up in the spleen so, as the process was going on, I asked the tech if she could see any enlarged lymph nodes or an enlarged spleen.  Her English wasn't very good but she seemed to tell me that she saw no enlarged nodes.  When she was done, she said very clearly that my spleen was just fine.  Now I have to wait to hear from my doctor if all this possible good news is true!

I understand why techs are not supposed to answer your questions because it's not their job to give you bad news.  If they only give you good news then you know you're in trouble if they give you no answers at all.  I'm hoping my tech wasn't just trying to shut me up.

I hate medical tests!  I hate medication!! 

Having An Ultrasound

I hate having medical tests of any kind because I feel there is always going to be something wrong that you really don't need to know about and the tests are going to show proof.  I'm going for an ultrasound tomorrow to see if there are any enlarged lymph nodes in the abdomen but I'd rather not know.  Shelley said they're probably also looking for an enlarged spleen because that is also a bad sign.  Damn!

I'm not foolish.  I won't go to Florida if my white blood cell count continues to rise drastically because I certainly don't want to get sick down there.  I don't want treatment, either, but that is something I'll have to figure out later.  I've always said that I won't take chemo because it is so deadly but I remember Gary having blood transfusions long before they gave him chemo.  Gary didn't die from the CLL, though, but from other cancers.

I'll get the results from the ultrasound on Friday but, until then, I'll worry.

Placebo

I almost missed this totally interesting documentary because Cogeco describes it's programs incorrectly more times than is acceptable.  Anyway, I did see most of the hour long program on the use of placebos for patients and was absolutely amazed at what I learned.

I watched as orthopedic surgeons did knee replacement surgery...some did the full surgery, some only scoped (scraped), but some only made a small incision and did no repair at all.  What is amazing is that all of the patients experienced full and successful recovery...even the ones who had nothing done.  The placebo effect is well known because our minds are amazing things that I truly believe could heal every ailment if we allowed ourselves to believe it can.  

I easily accept that patients receiving a placebo instead of a drug for depression would have excellent results but people who need knee replacement surgery have an actual physical disability so that's harder to understand.  I know people who are in need of such surgery and they are in real pain from inflammation.  How can a placebo treatment solve that problem?  I believe the patient self heals.

When I hear the expression "faith healing", this is what I think happens.  The person believes they're healed so therefore they trigger their brain to create what is needed in the body to accomplish the healing.

Even doctors believe we can heal ourselves.  When someone has cancer, they are often advised to picture their immune system attacking the cancer cells and destroying them.  I've never seen any research done on the success rate but I bet the true believers do well.

In any case, I wish we had more interesting programs on T.V. like this one instead of the massive pile of crap they usually televise.  

   

Not So Good News

I've had a mild CLL (chronic lymphatic leukemia) for quit a few years and didn't worry about it too much because the count was so low but it's jumped a lot since the spring and now my Florida winter might be in jeopardy.  You know the news isn't good when your family doctor phones you at 8 A.M.

My brother-in-law, Gary, had the same blood disorder but his count was drastically higher than mine...over 100.  Mine went from about 8 to 21 since May and that is cause for worry because it's normally only gone up an average of 1 point per year since I first found out I had the disorder about 5 years ago.

I can still go to Florida and get regular bloodwork done there to keep an eye on it but my concern is that, even though it doesn't present a health problem until it reaches 75-80, it wouldn't take long to reach that point if it's rising quickly now.  I'll get bloodwork done again in two weeks and that's when I'll make my decision whether or not to leave the country.  I don't want to be foolish!

Apparently there wouldn't be any symptoms to warn me before it reached a dangerous level, either.  The danger is blood clots or stroke if it gets too high and that's a risk I'm not willing to take.  There is treatment, including chemo which I wouldn't do.  I would do the blood transfusions, though.  CLL is a terminal illness but it usually progresses very slowly.  At my age I could still have a lot of life left yet.  I'm hoping. 

Update:  I know you shouldn't search the internet for information on your illnesses but it doesn't hurt to do it if it isn't scaring you.  I was just sitting and watching T.V. and wondering what changes had occurred in my life before the "rise of the white blood cells" and I realized I'd had a steroid shot for my arm shortly before the bloodwork in October.  I'd also had the second steroid shot about a week before the bloodwork last Friday.  It got me wondering if steroids can increase your white blood cell count...and it most definitely does!!!

One lady's count jumped to 42 after a steroid shot and took 4 months to drop back to normal.  Apparently it is well documented that steroids do increase white blood cell count so I phoned my doctor and left a message with his nurse to have him check on this.  The lady I spoke of went through the discomfort of having a bone marrow test and that is something my doctor suggested to me.

I love my family doctor and have great confidence in him but no doctor knows everything.  I'm going to assume he forgot I had the steroid shots because they were set up for me last summer.  

I'm very proud of myself!   

The Aftermath

This is going to be a very interesting 4 years for the United States...and the rest of the world.  We've witnessed the most unusual, ridiculous, hateful, country dividing, silly, outrageous presidential election ever seen since the country was founded.  Half the country was thrilled when it was over and half the country was furious.  What happened after the election has never happened before, I don't think!

There were protests in the streets of many American cities, some violent and destructive.  Some college students unbelievably demanded classes be suspended until their stressed out little selves were able to get over the shock.  I'm still in shock myself over supposedly intelligent young adults behaving like this!

Many of us in Canada were quite dismayed when Justin Trudeau was elected our Prime Minister but there were no riots, only a few sad sighs that this too would pass in time.

Unfortunately, there will always be part of the population who hate their leader but the next election will usually prove whether the people who voted him/her in were right or have learned from their mistake and will vote him/her out.  

Don't Be Afraid To Speak Up

I think I was too timid when I was younger and accepted poor quality or service without complaint.  Not any more!!  My firm belief is that you should complain, quietly and politely, when you don't get what you pay for.

A case in point is when Faye, Donna, and I went to Red Lobster yesterday for lunch and Donna's salmon was undercooked.  She ate around it instead of asking the waitress to replace it.  Now, I understand that it's risky to send a plate back to the kitchen because of a few horror stories we've heard but we don't have to send it back, just ask for it to be deducted from our bill.

When Donna mentioned the raw salmon to us I knew she would never tell the waitress so I did.  A polite complaint was treated the way it should be.  The waitress inspected the salmon and agreed it was raw in the middle and took it to the manager who immediately came to our table and asked Donna if she'd like another meal brought out.  It was too late for that so Donna said no.  He then told her there would be no bill and asked her to choose a dessert on the house, too.  She reluctantly chose one to take home to Frank.  She was feeling terribly guilty but she shouldn't have!  The manager treated the situation exactly as he should have done!

Now Faye also had a fish dish and her fish was also slightly uncooked but she chose to eat it anyway.  Bad choice.  I didn't speak up about Faye's meal because she's a tough cookie who is quite capable of speaking up herself.  My job is to toughen Donna up!

My food was excellent.

Got A Little Bored...Went Gambling

I've been staying home a lot lately and, strange for me, haven't had any interest in going to the casino but yesterday was promising to be a boring day so I went gambling.  I came home $150 richer than when I went but I did notice that the whole experience for me wasn't as pleasant as it used to be.  Am I changing?

I really did stay home more this summer than I ever have and it was from choice.  Maybe as I grow older my need for excitement has diminished...gambling used to be a real pleasure for me.  I'm still looking forward to the game rooms in Florida but part of that is our little ritual of going in a group, playing at one game room until one of us loses $20, moving on to another game room and repeating until we have our $2 lunch at "Wendy's".  It all moves faster than time does at Fallsview where I spend 4-5 hours before having to go home.  We tend to play as a group, too, checking on each other's success or failure and cheering for the wins.

When I got to the casino yesterday I headed straight for my favorite cluster of machines (the miners) where I found them all empty so I sat at one end to play first (I play them all, moving from one to the next).  I lost my money at the first one so I moved over one machine.  A young man sat down to play at the machine I'd just left and immediately won a huge bonus.  I lost again and moved over to the next machine.  The young man's girlfriend sat down at the machine I'd just left and immediately won a huge bonus.  I thought this was the way my day would go but I ended up playing until about 4 P.M. and did go home a winner.

It was a pleasant day and it really was nice to win a bit of my money back from them but I think my attitude towards the big casinos has changed.  They're just not drawing me as much any more.  Oh well, choices and preferences change as time goes on, don't they?    

My Injury

And so I had my second steroid shot for my arm on Wednesday.  I was feeling pretty good knowing I had a least 2 weeks pain free to look forward to but it was not to be.  I think I injured my arm again just by twisting it back and to the side to plug in an appliance.  The socket was under a table and I thought I could get away with a little twisting.  I was wrong.  The pain was excruciating and the ache lasted all day and all night even though I applied the Voltaren cream to it.  I doubt I'll ever take another chance of twisting that darned arm.

When you're young, most injuries will heal quickly but I've discovered that we old folk just don't mend easily if at all.  I've always been a pretty sedentary person which means any muscles I have are infantile and also not flexible.  If I hadn't injured my arm last winter I'd still probably hurt myself if I twisted an arm.  Now it's a certainty and I must stop doing it ever again.  I don't tolerate pain well and the memory of the suffering I endured yesterday should save me from hurting it again.

Life is different now but it's still pretty good!

The Loss of a Parent

I'm feeling a little sad today for someone I don't even know.  He's a friend of my daughter and his mother just passed away.  His grief is probably a little stronger than many because he lived with his mother and I'm sure she was a major part of his everyday life.

It got me thinking how no-one really loses their mother when she passes on because half of their DNA comes from her.  A child will carry part of their mother with them all of their life.

I never felt a strong attachment to my mother because I was mainly raised by my grandmother and she is the one I bonded with.  I see a lot of her in me now.  The attachment I feel for my mother is more like one for a sister because she seemed to be on the perimeter of my early life, allowing my grandmother to be the more dominant presence.  I hope and do believe my daughters carry the proper attachment to me.  I know I've always tried to be a positive influence in their lives even though I failed miserably at times.  My impression of my own mother is that she wasn't totally interested in me but maybe she did the best she could.

It's been my belief that daughters find no fault in their fathers but are very critical of their mothers.  On the other hand, sons seem to believe their mothers walk on water.  Fathers are either feared or revered.  I'm generalizing, of course.

If I'm right and there is an afterlife, a loving parent will be all around you in some way forever.  It just makes sense to me.

On Being Happy

I wasn't always as happy as I am today.  I remember those awful days when I'd wake up with no hope for a pleasant day and I realize now that I didn't even give myself a chance to appreciate what was good in my life.  No matter how bleak your life may seem, there is always something good you can draw from it.

Every morning when you drag yourself out of bed, you make a conscious choice to dwell on the problems or the joy (there are always both present).  I had allowed myself to be overwhelmed with what I couldn't control instead of choosing a different path that would lead me to a happier day.

These days I have a good family life and a few bucks in the bank so there aren't some of the pressures that used to bog me down.  I'm older and not as healthy as I was when I was depressed but I've taken more control of how I'm building my life.  I know I've made better choices because they have been conscious choices, not just fumbling around and hoping happiness would be handed to me.

I choose the path that takes me to where I'll be happy and I reject any path that won't.  Sometimes we don't have many options because tragedies happen all the time but we can choose how we'll deal with the mishaps.  

Consider the poor soul who has to spend every day at a job she/he hates because we do have to support ourselves and our families.  The answer is to re-educate yourself and to never, ever give up searching for a better job.  It might take a long time to happen but opportunities are out there.

And the desperate soul who is in an unhappy marriage and can't leave...make a life for yourself beyond the marriage and that includes education, friends, hobbies, but not infidelity.  One of those things could become your ticket out but they will only benefit you in the meantime.

And, heaven forbid, the death of a loved one.  This is a place that is difficult for me to go because I haven't experienced some of the worse losses you might have in your lifetime.  Cling to your remaining loved ones or good friends who will support you until you're strong enough to support yourself.  There will always be easier days in the future where your pain will lessen and your memories bring a smile to your face.  We know that happens because the human psyche can't tolerate enough emotional pain to kill it and that's why we heal from any tragedy, no matter how severe.

I tell my loved ones that I love them every time I say goodbye because I feel the need to reinforce their knowing just how much I love them.  My personal belief is that our bodies react to receiving the message that we are loved.  We flourish and heal and soar with that knowledge.

I have close friends that I love dearly but I'm a little shy about saying it to them.  Maybe that's a mistake but it's one I can't help at the moment.  Faye, Mary, Donna, Sylvia...I love you, my friends who are like sisters to me!

Boy, I've gotten pretty emotional this morning and all I really wanted to blog about was being happy.  You never know where a train of thought will lead you, though.  Anyway, life is what you make of it...follow the yellow brick road or follow a muddy ditch, it's your choice!