Something to Think About

When was the last time we heard that someone who set out to shoot and kill innocent people had "just converted to catholicism"??  When did we hear that a murderous terrorist had "just become a protestant...or a jew"??  Why do we always hear that a terrorist who had decided to gun down as many innocent people as possible has "recently converted to Islam"?

What kind of religion is one that promotes hatred for all who don't follow their particular creed?  What kind of religion produces followers who believe it's right to murder innocent people just because they have a different faith?  What kind of religion instills the belief in their men that they have the right to murder a daughter who doesn't bend to their will?

There is evil in all religions but Islam is in a class all it's own.  A muslim once told my husband that lying to a non-muslim was perfectly okay.  Is this how they all are taught?  If it is, it is one scary religion to have invaded our peaceful country.

Terrorists in Canada

Terrorists aren't normal people so there's no real logic to their drive to destroy.  We average people can never understand their mania.  I wasn't so much shocked as I was dismayed by seeing a terrorist murder an unsuspecting soldier (he was shot in the back!) and then racing into our parliament buildings intending to create some sort of havoc.  I'm thankful he was shot and killed before he could do more harm.

I assumed he was part of the Islamic religion because that's who is causing so much trouble in this world at the moment...and he was.  The sad thing is that he was born in Canada and only turned to Islam recently.  What a frightening religion it can be to us who don't really understand what it stands for!  I've been warned not to believe the worst in this religion but all I've read on the internet about it is that they believe anyone who doesn't practice their religion is worthless.  They call themselves a peaceful religion but how can that be if they can't be trusted to have respect for those with differing beliefs?

I'm left feeling threatened by an insidious invasion into my formerly peaceful country and worrying about the future for my children, grandchildren, and greatgrandchildren.      

Odds and Ends

This is a Swedish weaving afghan I just finished.  Today was one of those cloudy, blah days that you can use to complete a few projects so that's what I did.  Too bad the cloudy skies caused my photo color to be blah, too.  I've got a lot of time to fill in before I go (if I can go) to Florida so I'm using it to make Swedish weaving table runners.  The next afghan I make will be for Lisa but I'll wait until I can buy the yarn in the States.  It's double the price in Canada.

I'm going to take this afghan and the table runners to the craft sale at the senior center next month.  You could never get enough money to pay for the time it takes to make these but at least it could pay for the materials.  I'll be selling some of my jewelry also...the stuff I bought to sell and then ran out of venues to sell them in!

All of this is a hobby for me, thank heavens, or I'd starve.  I enjoy Swedish weaving very much but, as far as the jewelry goes, I'd like to be rid of it.  I've got lots of jewelry pieces to make my own to sell and that's what I'd like to be doing...but not until what I have is gone!

I wonder if any of my descendents will take after me.  I'm very much like my grandmother who was a bootlegger.  She was also a great cook but that wasn't passed down to me.  I have a tendency to go into interests whole hog from the beginning and then realize my mistake once I become bored with it.  It could be worse, though.  At least I keep busy and am productive most of the time.  

About my grandmother...she loved company and loved to laugh.  She was very generous and gave away much of the fruit and vegetables she spent time and energy canning for the winter.  She dyed her hair orange (I've never dyed mine) and lied about her age (I am honest about mine).  She loved me and raised me even though I was stubborn as hell.  I miss her.

I think about Nan a lot, realizing with each year what a good woman she was and how I never appreciated her until I was older.  Live and learn, right?  

Kindness

I've been thinking a lot lately about my sister-in-law, Joyce.  After I met my husband, Joyce was the first of his family members to really welcome me into the family and she's been very special to me ever since.  I remember her trying to explain how this huge family was connected and failing miserably to understand.  My own family was small and not close but Joyce's family was everything that mine was not.  I guess what impressed me the most about Joyce was how kind she was to me, accepting me not as a 15 year old transient in her family but as someone she cared about.

Joyce was, and still is, a beauty.  She'd had a tough time before bringing her two children here but I admired the strength and determination in her from the very beginning.  The rest of the family were nice to me but it was Joyce who delved a little deeper and made me feel a part of them.

I don't think we ever forget kindnesses.  They warm us for a long time and even in distant memory.  Joyce calls herself my "big sister" and it warms my heart every time.  I was so lucky to marry into such a wonderful family but Joyce will always hold a special place because of her kindness to me all those years ago. 

Still at Home

Today was the day I was supposed to leave for Florida but needing a skin cancer removed has kept me home indefinitely.  The earliest appointment I could get was Nov. 20th and then stitches removal on Dec. 3rd but I could have to stay longer if further surgery is indicated.  My skin cancer is called squamous and it's not the deadly melanoma so I should be thankful for that.  I am.

Life does not always move on with graceful and anticipated motion.  Sometimes the blips keep you from your planned schedules so you just have to deal with it.  What I'm missing most is the time spent at the trailer park with friends but any kind of cancer is not to be ignored or put on hold.  You have to deal with it as soon as possible.  Blips may be annoying but they're not tragedy.

One of my dilemmas right now is wondering if I should go out and buy a pair of winter boots.  I have an old pair I haven't worn in 14 years and I'm afraid they might be filled with dust so maybe it is time to buy new ones.  I also need to buy a snow scraper for the car because the one I have is buried somewhere in the trunk with all the stuff I was taking to Florida.  Problems, problems...not so terrible when you put them in perspective.

       

  

Family, In-laws, and Dogs

Cindy worked her butt off preparing for yesterday's feast and the weather co-operated by being perfect for having it out on the deck.  I wore my winter jacket just in case but didn't need to wear it.  The only downside was that some of the food wasn't hot enough but being able to eat outside made up for it.  The choices were outstanding and I couldn't accommodate them all on my plate.  Desserts were all home-made, too.  My girl can sure cook!

Cindy and Don's backyard is gorgeous with full grown trees and lots of room.  The 3 little kids and 5 dogs had a ball.  Molly, Cindy's littlest dog wanted no part of it, though, and escaped the turmoil by sitting on anyone's lap that was available.  It was a rousing time but with no mishaps to mar it as the children and dogs raced about having the time of their lives.  Our bunch, except Florida Shelley's, were all there and Don's children and grandson, too.  It's always nice to blend family get-togethers so we can all get to know each other better.

Cindy sent us all home with left-overs for today's meal, too, and I'm looking forward to another turkey dinner.  I'll miss out on the American Thanksgiving this year so this will be a welcome meal for me.  I love turkey!

I remember putting on these huge dinners when I was younger and how much work it was.  It really was exhausting but so worthwhile that you never regretted the work.  Having family or friends enjoying a meal together is one of the nicest times of life.

Today Nick and Steve are planning their annual golf game but we're expecting rain...I hope it holds off until noon when they're finished.  Nick and Steve are childhood friends.  Isn't it wonderful when friendships last forever?  

And for me, today will be a day of rest and doing as little as possible.  Rainy days lower my spirit and don't prompt me to catch up on any jobs that need doing.  That's my excuse and I'm sticking to it!



  

Thanksgiving 2014

There are always lots of things to be thankful for but, in all my 74 years, I've never found anything more important than family and friends.  If you don't have a loving relationship with someone then you really don't have much.  

I'm having Thanksgiving dinner at Cindy's today and she's expecting 20 family members of her's and Don's.  I can't imagine celebrating Thanksgiving in a nicer way.  If all goes well, we'll eat out on the deck.  It's going to be a beautifully sunny day but a little chilly so we'll have to dress warmly.  My contribution is roles and butter...no one expects me to cook and I like it that way.

There will be a few children to lighten the day, too, along with some dogs.  I'm not saying adults aren't fun but children and dogs are even more so!

This Thanksgiving I'll be with most of the people who give my life meaning.

Elvis Mouse

I don't know if I've put this little guy on the blog before.  Mary gave him to me a couple of years ago and it just tickles me every time I press his little hand and he sings "Are You Lonesome Tonight?" by Elvis Presley.  It seems like it's usually the little joys in life that stay with us the longest. 

Beautiful Day

Autumn in Ontario can be the most beautiful time of the year and today is a case in point.  The sun is shining brightly, there is very little wind, and the temperature is cool but comfortable.  I cleared the tables and chairs from the balcony and brought them inside.  Living in an apartment limits my space but I can put them in my storage unit in the basement for the winter...not today because I've done enough.

Cindy is planning on having her Thanksgiving dinner this Sunday outside on the deck and I'm keeping my fingers crossed that the weather stays nice.  One thing about autumn is that we can get cold blasts of air right on the heels of perfect weather.

I picked up my new prescription for anxiety but haven't used it yet.  I feel fine now that I know that Mohs surgery isn't the horror I'd thought.  I could never be a drug addict because I really hate taking medication, even vitamins and supplements.  Right now I take Metformin for diabetes, a statin drug for cholesterol, Imipramine for anxiety, CoQ10, Vitamin E, and a multi vitamin.  I'm thinking of dropping the CoQ10 and won't need the Imipramine after the skin cancer surgery is over.  It irks me every time I take my little stash of pills!

On the plus side, I'm going to enjoy this perfect fall day and be thankful I'm able to do so.

Native Medication

Donna and I had a discussion the other day about a native woman's right to refuse chemo treatment for her daughter's leukemia and opt for traditional native medication instead.  Donna is big on natural supplements and vitamins probably because she's forced to also take drugs prescribed by her doctor.  She leans more to agreeing with the native mother but I sort of disagree.

The doctors claim that the little girl would have a huge chance (95%) of being cured with their drugs and chemo but those things make the child violently ill.  It would be a monumental choice for the mother to make but I have to think that she firmly believes that natural native medicines will heal her daughter.  I don't think I could take that chance if she was mine.

There is much good to be said about using natural medication instead of chemical drugs but maybe not when one's life is at stake.  It does make sense to try these options if nothing else will work.  I believe the answer to all our health problems and the cures for them lies in the vegetation around us and somehow that will be discovered in the future.

It's such a sad situation for all involved and I hope with all my heart that the little girl is cured and lives a happy, long life.  And I hope we all learn from whatever happens.  

I Never Learn

I know we shouldn't research health issues on the internet but a couple of years ago I had a skin cancer on my lip and wanted to know what Mohs surgery was.  Apparently what I saw is not what it is.  Now that I'm possibly facing having that kind of surgery done (not definite yet) I allowed myself to get into a state of terror.  But today I saw my family physician...an absolute sweetheart...and he kindly informed me what Mohs surgery actually is and then gave me a prescription for anxiety.  I'm not sure I need it now that my fears have sort of been put to rest.

If I have to have Mohs surgery, it will be a long , long wait because there are only 4 surgeons in the city that do it.  The surgery is done by a cosmetic surgeon and it involves removing layer after layer of tissue until there are no skin cancer cells left.  I had thought the surgeon fileted you like a fish!  No wonder I was so terrified.  It's not going to be pleasant to have it done but I'm so thankful my sweet doctor explained it all to me and corrected my misinformation.

I also saw the dentist this morning for a cleaning and replacing the filling in one tooth.  For me, seeing the dentist is an unpleasant but necessary experience.  I'm glad it's over for 6 months!

Life is a little more comfortable today than it was last Friday.

Friends/Sisters

Mary is coming to stay with me for a few days and I'm anticipating a wonderful time spent with her.  Faye will come this afternoon so we can all go out for dinner and then back here for gin and tonics and lively conversation.  Brent, Mary's son, lives nearby and we're hoping he'll join us...he's quite comfortable with us old gals.

This is going to be a busy week...gambling tomorrow, Faye and Donna for Swedish weaving on Tuesday, dentist and doctor visits on Wednesday morning, and registration for the senior center craft bazaar in the evening.  Kim and I will go out for dinner and then she'll drive me to the senior center and home because I can't see to drive in the dark.  Thank heavens for family and friends to make our life full.

Matt took the air conditioner out of the window the other evening and it sits like a big lump on the floor where it has to stay.  I'm considering how to handle this when I have to stay home for the winter and decided I'd put a piece of fabric over it and make it look like a side table.  Always thinking ahead!  LOL!

It's a gorgeous sunny but cool fall morning but some of the clouds are dark with threatening rain.  I've got all the windows wide open because the apartment heat is on and I have no control over it.  I don't like a too warm apartment.  The fresh air coming in the windows is nice, too.

Well, I hope I win at the casino tomorrow or at least come home with the money I take so that I can go to the casino again this month.  I always give them every chance to take all my money.  I enjoy gambling maybe a little too much but I don't go overboard.  That's more than I can say about all the monks cloth I've accumulated.

Drugs

There's something good to be said about taking drugs.  If they really do help cure you of an illness or keep you from feeling like death emotionally, then they are a good thing.  I don't know if it was the Imipramine or not but I feel close to normal now, as though I can tolerate whatever I have to deal with.  I don't care if this is a placebo effect (I don't think Imipramine works this fast) because the way I felt yesterday was unbearable and now it isn't.

There's usually a guilt feeling when you are depressed.  You know there are other people much worse off than you and that whatever is ailing you isn't really too serious but you just can't seem to drag yourself out of the despair.  There's no logic to depression.  For many it's simply a failure to cope.  If a drug can take the sharp edge off that then I'll take it.

I've got about 6 weeks until the minor surgery and then 2 weeks of walking around with a big stupid bandage on my face before the stitches come out and the biopsy report comes in.  I'm not happy but I'll survive.  

Struggling

Kim called me this morning to say she thinks I should still go to Florida for John's award.  I tried to explain to her that I'm in a delicate spot right now, struggling by the day to not let myself fall into depression over this skin cancer trouble.  I feel overwhelmed just making it though the day and pushing myself to go to Florida right now is too much for me.  I'm not in a good spot and I'm not sure what mental condition I'll be in by Dec. 3rd when I find out the results of the biopsy.  It's so easy to say not to worry about it but the worry and dread are already firmly entrenched and I'm not sure I can handle it.

I hate feeling like this.

Update:  My mood deteriorated all day and, when I'm upset like this, I can't think straight so I neglected to do what I should have done...call my doctor.  Shelley called this afternoon and suggested I do this but, somehow, I couldn't get a call through to him.  I think there was a problem with his phones.  Then Cindy called me and suggested I renew a prescription I had of Imipramine and just start taking a low dosage until I could reach my doctor.  I never thought of this...I had been using the Imipramine to help with bladder urgencies but had discontinued taking it.  Imipramine is what I took years ago for depression and I know I tolerate it well.  Anyway, still unable to get through to my doctor or his afterhour service, I checked on the internet to find out what a safe dosage would be for me to take and saw that 30-60 mg was suggested.  I took 15 mg and will take another 15 mg later tonight.  I also called the pharmacy to renew the prescription.  I think this will get me through until I see my family doctor for a regular visit this coming Wednesday.  All I know right now is that I need help.

Whoops!  I actuallly took 75 mg...I thought the pills were each 5 mg but they're 25 mg.  No problem, though, but it could explain why I'm feeling relaxed.  LOL!  I won't take any tonight.

Another Day

This is the view from my balcony.  It's overcast today but the changing colored leaves are still pretty even though there are apparently no maples in the ravine to brighten it up with reds.

I was awfully low yesterday but feel slightly better today...maybe just accepting that there's nothing on my part that I can do to change circumstances.  I know I'll feel much better once the skin cancer is removed and then feel euphoric once again if the biopsy turns out to be clear.  It will all take time.

On a brighter note, the fact that I'll be here on Nov. 15th means I can rent a table to sell some of my jewellery at the Senior Center.  There's always a tiny silver lining somewhere, somehow.  I also have Mary's visit to look forward to on Sunday so I have a few silver linings around me.

I have a very slight fear of slipping into a depression simply because I've been there before.  It's something I'll have to watch out for but I think I'm okay.  It's not a nice thing to have doctors continually cutting away at you.  I know it could be worse but even this is terribly upsetting for me.  I'll do my best to deal with it and hope for good news.

Sad and Discouraged

I had the stitches removed from 2 skin cancer spots today and hoped it was all over for a while but no.  There is a spot on my face near my nose that has to be removed on November 20th with the stitches being removed on December 3rd.  This means that the earliest I can leave for Florida is on December 4th as long as the biopsy report is okay.  I spent hours again cancelling all the darned services I'd already spent hours reconnecting for mid October.  I can't even reschedule them in case the biopsy report on Dec. 3rd shows that more surgery is required.  I'm sad, disgusted, dismayed...but not depressed.  Yet.

The dermatologist said that if the biopsy report shows further surgery is needed, the period of time I'll have to wait is so long that I can forget about going to Florida this winter.  Maybe government health insurance really does have it's faults.

The only good news is that none of my skin cancers are melanoma so they're easier to cure.  Of course, there's no guarantee that there's ever going to be an end to these piddly little surgeries that disrupt my life, either.

I'm upset and I bought butter tarts to ease my sorrow.

Bastard Child

Every so often I use the word "bastard" (usually about someone who has committed a horrible crime) and it causes me to think about how that word used to be used.  Bastard and illigitimate were common words used to describe a child born out of wedlock...actually blaming the child for it's unconventional, at the time, beginnings!  These words have only in recent years disappeared when describing a child born to an unwed mother and I find that reassuring.  I still can't believe anyone would ever have branded an innocent child this way, though.

I was born to an unwed mother who never told me who my father was.  My grandmother told me but my mother refused to discuss it.  I've never had a moment of feeling shame for my beginnings...common sense tells us no shame is necessary.  I've had a bit of curiosity about my father but mainly felt he couldn't have been much of a man to abandon his own flesh and blood.  I'll also never understand how some men can do this because it does happen all the time.

I'd originally been told that my father died in the war...very convenient explanation of absent fathers in 1940!  When I was 12 years old and mouthed off to my grandmother, she called me a little bastard and explained why.  I remember going to school that morning and sitting in shock trying to make sense of what I'd just learned.  It didn't take me long to realize that how I came to be born had nothing to do with me and that's how I've felt ever since.

There was a time, even in 1940, when children of unwed mothers were taken away from them at birth.  My grandmother told me that she had to fight child services tooth and nail in order to keep me but I've often wondered if I would have been better off being adopted into a brand new family.  Maybe, but maybe not.  I'll never know.

I think the use of "bastard" and "illigitimate" became unnecessary because of the huge numbers of children born these days to unwed mothers.  Many live with the fathers of the children but just choose not to marry for their own reasons.  It was always a cruel and pious practice to label an innocent baby in this way but I'm glad it's ended now.

My own mother was born to her unwed mother in 1918 and there's no doubt they both must have gone through terrible discrimination in those days.  Times have changed for the better in many ways as we've become better educated and more tolerant than our forebears.

Interesting how we often become kinder to each other when we're not blindly following strict church doctrine!   

  

Nervous

I've got a few things to be nervous about today.  I see the dermatologist this afternoon to remove the stitches from where the 2 skin cancers were removed and hear the biopsy report.  Then there is another spot I'm concerned about.  If she decides it needs to come out, I probably can't leave for Florida as planned on the 15th.  I hate, hate, hate all this.

I guess I should be thankful I can see a dermatologist regularly to keep an eye on my awful skin and keep these darned spots from becoming lethal.  I still feel very put upon, though, and wish it would stop for good.

Anyway, my mind will either be put at ease or I'll be very upset some time around 2:30 P.M.