My Kim is 57

Today is my Kim's 57th birthday and I still can't believe my babies have gotten this old.  Aren't I still only in my 20's?  Maybe in my dreams!

Kim is special, not because she is my oldest but because she's one of those rare beings...an angel in disguise.  I've always said that I know a lot of wonderful people but Kim and Faye are "special".  They are both the kind of person who is just too good to be on this earth.  We can all recognize someone like this even if we sometimes have to look beyond the facade of bravado they sometimes put on.

I love all three of my daughters equally but in different ways.  All three are the best in the world but even Kim's sisters say that Kim has a unique quality.  She laughs at this and so does Faye because truly good human beings don't know they're of a special breed.  They're the ones who are doubly shocked and hurt at the cruelties and deceptions we all face at one time or another.

Anyway, my baby is 57 years old today and I feel blessed to have given birth to her.

Thanks, Sensa

My husband who never had a weight problem in his life often sat back in his chair at a meal and said, "too much food!".  It irked the life out of me because I was still eating, trying to fill that bottomless pit of a stomach I USED to have.

Using Sensa for about a year taught me to be filled with less food and also seemed to awaken the little person inside who tells us when we're really full.  Nowadays, when I'm on the road and thinking of stopping to eat, I find myself saying, "no, too much food!".  The thought of eating more is actually abhorrent to me.  Good for me!

I lost a total of 25 pounds that still bounces back a pound or two every once in a while before I melt it away again.  I'm not skinny, will never be, don't want to be, but I'm more comfortable with that 25 pounds gone.

Today I'm wearing the pants I bought 2 years ago and couldn't get the button and zipper closed.  They fit like a glove now and that's further proof I've succeeded so far.  I have no goal in mind but will continue to eat somewhat healthy with a few fries thrown in and hope to lose a bit more in time.

I credit Sensa with helping me find the way.  I don't care if it works physically or mentally...it worked for me.

Dennis at 78

There's been so much going on around here the past few months that I totally forgot my husband's birthday today.  He would have been 78 years old and I wonder how he'd be living his life.  I bet he'd still be going to the gym regularly and still sailing but maybe not alone.  He'd be taking a great interest in Nolan and Nash and teaching them what he could.  Dennis was a strong family man who was a hands on father and grandfather, involved in his family's life but never intrusive.

10 years ago, he was on the downslide of his bout with esophageal cancer, one that he couldn't win.  Dennis never spoke to me about how he was feeling, keeping his thoughts and fears to himself until the very end.  That was the kind of man he was and it must have made his dying all the more difficult for him to manage.  I wish we had communicated better but that's just the way it was.

Kim, Cindy, and I will visit him today.  I hadn't planned to do so because I get very angry with the injustice of his death whenever I've gone to the cemetery.  Some people gain comfort but I only experience anger at the fates.  I know only his ashes are there and he's gone on to something better but I still think he got a rotten deal out of life.  He worked hard, supported and loved his family, was an honest citizen, and the most intelligent man I've ever known.  He deserved better than to be limited to 68 years on this earth.

Anyway, I'll try to control myself and take comfort in his final resting place...one that Kim and I chose for him.  His ashes are in a wall of niches overlooking the bay where he sailed.  I put both his and my wedding rings in a velvet bag inside the niche that awaits me when my time comes.

Happy birthday, Dennis.  I hope you're somewhere beautiful, happy and healthy.  

My Day

I was up early as usual but forgot that this was my weigh in day until after I'd consumed 2 cups of coffee.  No problem, though, because I'm still down 2 lbs. this week.  Yeah!!

I went up to Kim's about 10 A.M. and cleaned her deck and furniture in preparation for Shelley and John's arrival on Friday.  David built the deck which covers most of her townhouse yard and it's really nice...even has a couple of benches built in.

I left at noon and went to Dairy Queen to order her "Turtles" birthday cake.  I haven't been to Dairy Queen in years.  They were really popular before McDonalds flooded the market and now aren't easy to find.  While I was there I had their $6 lunch which consisted of 3 yummy chicken tenders, excellent fries, drink, AND a caramel sundae.  I think I may have to find a Dairy Queen in Stoney Creek!

Oh yes, as I was eating my lunch I happened to look up just as another customer emptied all the napkins out of the rack on his table.  I'm assuming he planned to take them home.  He saw me looking at him and moments later put them all back.  Societal guilt.  When my grandmother went to a restaurant she used to take all the napkins and cutlery home.  I often wondered why most of our cutlery didn't match until one day when I was with her she handed me her bag to hold and I saw what was in it.  Shocking...but we were really poor and the guy I saw today most definitely wasn't.

I also renewed my driver's licence online this morning but ran into trouble when the receipt wouldn't print.  Then the actual internet page disappeared!  I had to phone them to make sure my order and payment had gone through.  What a waste of time.

Now I'm home and don't have the air conditioner on even though it's damned hot out.  I have a lovely cool breeze pouring through the windows and patio door.  Much better than a noisy air conditioner.

Life is comfortable. 

A Month of Losses

Our family has had to be extra strong this month just to cope with illness and death.  We lost Jill and Gary.  Kim had surgery and I'll have mine next week.  It's been rough but we'll band together and survive because that's what we have to do.

I remember when my mother-in-law passed away and Faye looked at me and said, "we're the oldest generation now".  It shook me a bit but, to be honest, if we don't die along the way, one day we become the oldest generation.  I wonder if our children hope to hang on to us because, once we're gone, they become the oldest generation.

Jill's passing was hard because she never really had a chance to live.  She remained an infant all her life and her good luck was that she had her wonderful parents, Donna and Frank, to care for her the whole time.

Gary had fought different cancers for a few years and had finally come to the point where he couldn't be helped any more.  His death was a blessing in some ways because his pain and discomfort was finally over.

All families will reach the time when they lose one of their family members.  It is never easy no matter how much warning they're given.When we lose a family member, we're losing a part of our selves and our life history.  We are lesser for the loss and that hole in our lives will never be filled again.

I was talking to my friend, Norma, yesterday and saying I didn't fear death as long as I wasn't in pain or lying around like a vegetable for ages which would drain my precious daughters.  I hope I leave fast when it's time for me to go.  Joyce and I used to have an assisted suicide pact (just in case) but she's been stricken with Alzheimer's so I can't count on her now.  What I do need is a living will and I've put off getting one for too long...time to do what's right and necessary!  

Decor For The Soul

I like a neat home but I also like to see whimsy and plants mixed in.  I decorate with whatever makes me happy and that's what we all should do.  We shouldn't decorate our homes to look like magazine pages unless that's what really makes us comfortable.

I love flowers and they soothe my soul whenever I look at them so, to see them flourishing in my home, is a positive thing.  I also love colored glass...carnival glass or any other.  Mary and I went to an interesting store last weekend and I fell in love with a yellow/orange blown glass ball and it sits on the windowsill by the computer.  It raises my spirits every time I look at it.

The thought of a pure white room with white furniture and floors isn't my cup of tea.  If there's no color in the room, it isn't homey for me.  And I mean lots of color!

I remember seeing a group of Indian ladies in beautifully colored saris walking up the street and they filled me with joy because they looked like flowers.  That's what made me want a sari of my own.

It probably doesn't make sense to decorate your home to suit visitors because it's you who sees it all the time.  My home has never been a showpiece and it never will be.  My home is "my home".

   

Another Day

I talked to Kim today...can't go to see her because I'm still coughing...and, as expected, she's better than yesterday.  She can pull herself up and out of bed now and that was very important since she might be alone at home and have to pee.  She might come home tomorrow and is quite willing to stay with me for a while before going to her own house.  I'm very happy about that because I can keep an eye on her and not worry so much.

I can't remember if I wrote in the blog yesterday about when my surgery is set but, if I did, I was mistaken.  I lose track of today's date and thought June 3rd was next week but I was wrong.  I would have had Nick take a day off unnecessarily to take me to Toronto if someone hadn't straightened me out.  Now Cindy will be able to take me.  Apparently we'll be there 4-5 hours but the surgery itself might only last 1/2 hour at best.  I'm a little worried about how much cutting will be needed and how many stitches I'll have but I need to have this skin cancer removed for good.  There's always a chance of some facial deformity but I can live with that if I have to do so.

The main thing in my life right now is that Kim is okay.  All mothers will understand that we care little about ourselves as long as our children are okay.

On a sad note, Gary had a third surgery and is not awake yet.  My heart hurts for him and his loved ones.  He's gone through so much in the last couple of years and none of his surgeries or treatments seem to be saving him.  Cancer is a bitch!

Nolan is coming to stay overnight with me tonight so I'm in for a lot of laughs and loving from that little boy.  It fills my heart with happiness that he likes to come here but I know that will change as he grows older.  I'll take what I have and enjoy it for now.

Gary

My brother-in-law, Gary, has been battling one form or another of cancer for a few years now.  He's had 2 major surgeries that didn't take away all the cancer and now he's just had a third surgery to make him more comfortable.  His odds are not good.

So many times I talk to people who feel the same way that I do...why haven't we found a cure for cancer?  I know there are many kinds of cancer which makes it more difficult but think of how many millions, probably billions, of dollars goes into research every year.  The surgeons, radiologists, chemo therapists all do what they can but it seems like they're just guessing most of the time.  They'll try one therapy after the other and hope it will work.  In the end, most don't.

My grandmother died from cancer.  My mother died from cancer.  I'm battling skin cancer which is one of the easiest to cure.  

Of course, this recent episode with Gary is very hard on his family.  They don't want him in pain but they're not ready to lose him, either.  He's been a good husband, father, and grandfather who doesn't deserve the nastiness he's going through.  No-one deserves it.

One good thing is that Gary's family is a close and loving one and he doesn't have to go through it alone.  

Our Amazing Bodies

The ability our bodies have to heal is truly amazing.  Enough so that it's hard to believe we ever get too old or sick to recover.

Kim had her thyroid removed yesterday and they unfortunately had to go through her throat and also break her breastbone to get the whole thing out.  She looks like she was attacked by a serial killer!

When she was brought to her hospital room about 3 hours after surgery she was not in good shape...in pain and with little strength.  She was also vomiting from either the anesthetic or the pain medication they'd given her.  It breaks your heart to see your child in that condition but it helps to know it's only temporary and that each day now will make her better.

I saw her today and it really was like night and day.  She looked stronger and brighter.  She'd been up already to go to the bathroom (hates bedpans with a fury) and wanted to go for another walk.  Because of the broken and mended breastbone, she can't raise herself from the bed without help but her nurse was there to help her up and out of bed.  We went for a walk around the ward (about 5 minutes) and she was tired and ready for bed again but I was amazed at how her body had responded to the trauma it had sustained and was quickly healing itself.

Kim was doing things like lifting her own drink glass that she was unable to do just last night.  She is a fighter, that's for sure, and won't waste time coddling herself.  I hope she doesn't push herself too fast, though.

I know her boys will take good care of her when she goes home but I hope to have her with me for a few days until she does go home.  I just want to coddle her a bit.   

Peanut Allergy...Hype?

I know that having a peanut allergy isn't a joke but it just might have been blown all out of proportion to the danger it represents.  My youngest daughter was allergic to peanuts and eating them caused her to break out in a rash.  She grew out of it, though.  

I decided to check on the internet to see what the actual statistics were in regard to peanut allergies and their consequences.  I'll use the United States, population 318.9 million people in 2014.  According to a lobbying group, 150-200 of those people died from some sort of allergies but only 75-100 died from an allergic reaction to peanuts.  Then I read a Huffington Post report.  It seems that we've been misled.  Only 13 people (6 adults and 7 children) died from peanut allergies from 1996-2006.  Think about it...slightly more than 1 person per year in a population of 300 million.  And our children are not allowed to take peanut butter sandwiches for their school lunches any more.

Why do we allow ourselves to be manipulated this way?  It's similar to one person saying we shouldn't display Christmas trees in public places and everyone runs to accommodate that one idiot.

Now I'm not saying that parents should ignore the fact that their child is allergic to peanuts.  I'm saying the problem should be handled in a more sensible manner.  Don't expect 1000 children in a school to refrain from bringing peanut butter sandwiches for their lunches because one or two children have allergies.  Have those one or two children eat their lunch separate from the rest of the kids.  Doesn't that make more sense?

When we discovered that Shelley was allergic to peanuts we also found out that she was allergic to bird feathers and dust.  No, we didn't insist that the government should shoot all the birds in the country and, as for the dust, she lived in my house and was able to survive.  Sometimes we just need to use common sense.

  

Anna

Yesterday, after my dermatologist appointment and feeling stressed out, I hiked myself over to Fallsview casino.  I took my monthly gambling allotment with me, assuming it would stay at the casino but I only lost $20 and I think I made up for that with the free buffet.  This is a rare occurrence for me and I don't take it for granted, just enjoy the novelty.

As I sat at my table in the restaurant, a lady came by and asked if I was alone and if I minded her sitting with me.  Of course I invited her to do so!  Her name was Anna and she was approximately my age.  She'd also lost her husband about 10 years ago and was venturing out alone for the first time.  She'd always traveled with friends before but decided to go alone yesterday and was feeling a little lost.  I think she was quite sure of herself to ask to sit at a stranger's table, something I never do.

We had a lovely conversation as we ate, learning a little about each other.  She, like me, usually gambles until we lose our money and then goes home.  She, like me, is never lonely because she keeps herself busy with whatever she likes.  She, unlike me, doesn't use a computer.  I'd be lost without my computer every day to play games, write on the blogs, check Facebook, or do research on whatever interests me at the moment.

Anna seems to be a happy, upbeat lady and that comes from not allowing herself to be lonely.  Many seniors are lonely because they have little interests or hobbies.  They tend to stay alone instead of reaching out to the outside world.

I told her about going to Florida and the wonderful people I interact with there.  I also said that, when I have to winter at home, I'll spend lots of time at the senior center.  I like being around people and the ones at the senior center are lively characters who don't want to vegetate at home.

We finally said our goodbyes and the obligatory "good luck" and went our separate ways to gamble.  I met a few other nice people at the slots and enjoyed about 6 hours of winning and losing before heading home.  

I am thankful for this nice day spent doing what I chose to do and having the means to do it.  Thank you, Dennis.    

Decision Day

I had/have a small squamous cell skin cancer on my face between and to the side of my nose and lip.  My dermatologist has removed it surgically twice but the biopsy showed there were still skin cancer cells on the edges so I've decided to go to Toronto and have the Mohs surgery done by one of 3 cosmetic surgeons there who do that type of surgery.  I'm not happy about the situation but I'm completely fed up with getting sliced and diced and it still didn't get rid of it.

Apparently they do only Mohs surgery in the U.S. for skin cancers and don't waste time on what I've been having my dermatologist do since last November.  My dermatologist told me we only have 3 surgeons in Toronto who handle all Mohs patients in southern Ontario compared to 300 in southern Florida.  I think I've made the right choice here instead of losing myself chunk by chunk.

I was also told that anyone who has had radiation treatment has a higher incidence of getting skin cancers for some reason.  I had radiation on my lip a few years ago to kill off a squamous cell cancer lesion so that may be what set it all in motion.  Great!

I actually feel a little better now that I made my decision to have Mohs.  It was something I'd been terrified of before but my sweet family doctor explained my fears away.  It won't be fun but hopefully it will be the end of it.  There is a long waiting list so I might not be able to get it done for 3-4 months, though.  I'll post photos...as long as they're not gory.

  

Gaining Control

You can't always control the crap that falls into your life but you can control how you will react to it.  I had another little bout of depression over this stupid skin cancer all the while knowing it's not the worst thing in the world.  I hate having to deal with it...but then I hate having to deal with a lot of things I have no control over.

I caught a bit of a cold from that Elvis impersonator who whispered into my ear on Sunday, darn it!  So I spent most of yesterday napping and trying to keep it from getting too strong a foothold.  Today I don't feel too bad, just a slightly runny nose and the odd little cough.  I don't have time to have a cold!!  Kim has her surgery on Tuesday and will be coming here to recuperate so I have to be cold free so I don't pass it on to her.

I talked to Donna this morning to let her know I won't be coming to see her today because of the cold.  She's getting along okay but it's too soon after Jill's loss for her to be back to normal.  She's a strong, intelligent woman and she will be fine in time...her time.

Nick and Matt are coming tonight to put my window air conditioner in and I won't be able to kiss and hug them.  I don't want them to take my cold germs back to their mother.  I know I'm one of the luckiest ladies in the world to have the wonderful family I have because there are only a few nasties in the group but they aren't my blood relatives.

I'm still feeling a little low but I think I might have enough spunk in me to vacuum today.  Other than that, I don't give a damn.  

Early May Balcony Plants

The top photo is the gorgeous plant stand that Kim got me for Mother's Day.  The lovely pot of mixed plants that Cindy got me sits perfectly on the top.  I'm just getting started filling the balcony with plants and that's why there are empty planters still around.  I like to buy my plants gradually...it spreads out my enjoyment of the job.

The first pot I got was the mixed color geraniums on the bottom of my new planter.  I have never seen so many buds on a geranium and just had to have it.  My next purchase was the mixed color million bells.  I adore million bells!  Then I bought the 2 large pots of hot pink geraniums at the back.

I plan to put mainly sweet potato vine in the other pots but still haven't decided on anything else.  I get the morning sun on the balcony which begins to shade over around 10 A.M. so it's a good spot for plants.

Oh yes, I also bought one very expensive ($2.89) roma tomato plant that's at the other end of the balcony.  This is a first for the apartment so I'll see how it turns out.

I love spring; I like summer; I love fall; I hate winter in Canada but love it in Florida.

My Mother's Day

I was just talking to Shelley and told her I'd had probably the best Mother's Day in my whole life.  Kim picked me up about 11:30 and took me out for lunch and then to the Art Gallery.  I was a little disappointed in a lot of the paintings and art there because I'd expected better.  Then I remembered a few years back when that art gallery was boasting in our local newspaper about the magnificent piece of art they'd just purchased for a couple of hundred thousand dollars.  I visited soon after and saw this magnificent and very expensive acquisition.  It was a huge painting...solid black with a single thin white line going across it.  Not art!!!

Anway, after leaving the Art Gallery we went to Tim's for coffee and Diet Coke and then to Kim's to wait for Cindy to pick me up at 5 P.M.  It was lovely time spent watching Matt and Nick preparing dinner for Kim and watching Nolan and Nash playing.  Her house is a busy one these days but filled with love.

Cindy and Tyson picked me up at 5 P.M. and we went back to her house to get Don.  Then we went to a restaurant bar in the downtown area (on the way down I was told it was a seedy area!) where Kyle was working.  He said the food was great and that's why we were going there.

As we drove up to the building, I recognized it as one I'd driven past many times and thought it was really rough and scary looking.  We pulled into the parking lot and the few people we saw standing around looked seriously like meth addicts.  I was laughing nervously and pinning my hopes on Kyle that he wouldn't bring us to a dangerous place.

We went inside where there was someone at the front playing guitar and singing, a few people swaying around him, a few people at the bar, a few people at tables.  Yes, it looked a little seedy but not scary at all.  I fell in love with the place and would have gone there even alone if it was in a better neighborhood.  

I have to say that Kyle looked out of place...he's so darned cute and clean cut.  He took our order and mistakenly brought me the spicy meal instead of giving it to Tyson.  I told him he wasn't getting a tip!  The food was really good and very different from anything I'd ever eaten.  It was supposed to be authentic Irish food.  As we ate, the entertainment changed about every 15-20 minutes and then an Elvis singer walked in.  Cindy told the owner that I was an Elvis fan so he brought this guy (didn't look anything like Elvis) back to the table to introduce us.  He really didn't sound like Elvis either but who cares.  I loved the atmosphere of this place and enjoy anyone who will play a guitar and sing.

The owner's wife came by and talked to us for a while...she's a real Irish lady from Donegal named Katy.  She tried to get her husband to sing for us but he wouldn't...she said he's a great Elvis singer.  

We left before dark and I was driven home and dropped off with kisses from my sweet Cindy and Tyson.  I don't think they realized how much fun it had been for me at that wild and crazy place.  I want to go back...but in a group. 

Donna, mother of Jill

For my beautiful Jill ..............Tonight I am a poet using words to express you (as if I could find the rhyme or reason of you) Tonight I am a painter making brushstrokes to capture the look of you (as if I could bring the colour back to you) Tonight I am a musician playing the heartbeat of you (as if I could find the rhythm of you) Tonight I am a sculptor carving the touch and hold of you (as if I could breathe the blood back into you) Tonight I am a dancer flying th...rough space the eagle part of you (as if I could fly off and be with you) Tonight I am a perfume maker mixing up the smell of you (as if I could capture the essence of you) Tonight I am a witch wildly dancing under the moon for you (as if I could invoke the very spirit of you) Tonight I am a Mother crying a mother's tears for you (as if I could ever fill the gaping chasm of you) Tonight I feel so very small by the enormous loss of you.

There is no more enduring love than that of a mother for her child and Donna has managed to capture just the right words in her tribute.  She said it all in words that will touch your soul.  Jill was blessed to have had Donna for her mother and I know that Donna was blessed to have had Jill in her life.  Jill was severely handicapped and remained a child for her 43 years here on earth.  Donna and Frank could not have been better parents and she survived mainly because of the excellent care they gave her.  And that care was given, not out of responsibility, but with tremendous love.  I don't know how they'll fill that hole in their hearts now that she's gone but they gave their all for 43 years and that should earn them a place in heaven with their little girl when the time comes.

Note:  Donna informed me that she found this letter on the internet and didn't actually write it herself but it said what was in her heart.  Whoever wrote it had the same loss as Donna and knows, as every mother knows, how devastating it is or can be to lose a child.  There really can be nothing worse.

Mother's Day

Today is Mother's Day and I am one of the most thankful people in the world because I was granted the life job of being a mother.  At the time, 17 years old, I wasn't ready for this blessed task but it taught me a different kind of love I'd never really experienced before.  Love for your child stands alone...there is no other kind of love that comes even close.

My own mother was a good person but never actually clicked with me as a mother.  We lived with my grandparents and Mom kind of handed over the mothering role to my grandmother.  Mom worked hard but made some crucial mistakes in her life that I vowed never to repeat.  I was on my high horse!

I've never thought of myself as a great mother to my daughters but not because of a lack of love for them.  In their growing up years, I was suffering from depression and that colored a lot of my dealings with them.  But it never affected the deeply ingrained love I felt for all of them.

Being a mother is why we're here but you don't have to give physical birth to a child to be able to mother them.  I know my mother loved me but maybe I just couldn't see it when I was a rebellious teenager.  My mother had a difficult life, some of her own making, but a lot because of circumstances.  Not everyone can stroll through life and hit the jackpot every time.

I want more than anything for my children to know how much I love them.  I want them to know how much I value them.  And I want them to know I would never go back and change anything in my life that would have stopped me from having them.  

Nash Overnight

My greatgrandson, Nash, is 4 years old and just spent his first overnight with me.  I had his father on standby in case Nash got too upset about being away from his Mom and Dad but there was never a moment when he got upset.  He played with his toys, ate, put his jammies on, and asked me to tuck him in bed about 9 P.M.  That was the last I heard from him until 5:30 this morning when I woke up and turned the T.V. on...I think that woke him up.  He came out smiling and ready for breakfast.

I've always had toys and books on hand so that the kids feel at home here.  Both Nash and Nolan believe the spare bedroom is theirs and that the toys and books are theirs so they feel they're in familiar territory when they visit.  It's very important that kids don't feel they have to sit and not touch anything when they visit their Gramma or GG.

Last spring there was a family of sparrows nested on my balcony and Nash remembered that and asked to see them again.  I explained that the sparrows grew up and flew away but they might have come back to nest again this year.  At least I've seen some out on the railing tweeting away.

My plans for this morning are to let Nash play for a while and then to go to a church bazaar later in the morning (still looking for more Legos).  We'll have lunch out and then I'll take him to Kim's.  He's been so good and easy to handle and I think he'll be quite happy to do his next overnight at GG's.  

  

Waiting

It's a strange feeling, waiting for someone to die.  You know it's inevitable but you cling to hope that the process will miraculously be reversed.  I remember being torn by emotion when my husband was dying.  I wanted his suffering over but wanted more that he'd be cured, yet knowing it wouldn't/couldn't happen.  You feel as though you're in a limbo where, no matter what you wish or want, a course has been set in motion that is heading in a pre-destined direction.

I have a strong belief that nothing happens by chance, that we are meant to experience what we do, that we are meant to meet and love the people we do.  Maybe these are life lessons that we are meant to learn.

Be thankful for each day you get to experience and make the best of it.  Our lifespan is not all that long and there is so much to learn...and so much to love.

Hanging On

There is so much sickness and strife in our family right now that it hardly seems possible to handle it all.  I got the bad news the other day that they didn't eradicate all of the skin cancer that was removed last week and it sent me into a downward spiral of "almost" depression because I'm so sick of dealing with it.  That feeling lasted 2 days (which felt like 2 years) until I came to my senses and decided I would deal with it in increments...as it unfolded.  I see the dermatologist next Wednesday to have the stitches removed and she will expertly decide the next step.  I can't worry beyond that.

There is much, much worse going on in the family today that is being endured.  Crap happens to all families in one form or another and this seems to be our crapload.  Apparently that's not a real word but I don't care.

We only have today to count our blessings and we'll just have to see what tomorrow brings.  Strong and loving family ties will see us all through whatever life throws at us.

The Way To Die

One of my friends does aesthetics from her home and she's been my favorite pedicurist for years.  I called her today to make an appointment and could tell by the sound of her voice that something was wrong.  It turned out that her husband had passed away last February but I'd been in Florida and hadn't known.  She's a nice friend but not a close one where we talk regularly.

He hadn't been sick but had suddenly become weak and not wanting to eat.  She suggested calling the doctor but he was one of these men who refuse to see a doctor even for check-ups.  She helped him to bed and slept beside him until 2 A.M. when he awoke and told her to go to her own room because he was restless.  She did as he asked but got up at 5 A.M. and went in to check on him.  He had passed away peacefully in his sleep.

Now, a sudden death like this is especially hard on loved ones because they have no time to prepare but dying peacefully in one's sleep is the way we all want to go.

My friend is still tender from grief and will be for some time yet.  She mourns the fact that they argued a lot...I can identify with that.  She wishes they'd been more loving to one another...I can identify with that, too.   Sometimes, we don't have another day, another minute, another moment to make up for sharp words or actions.  Sometimes what is done is done and we can't go back and make it any different.

We need to keep this in mind.  

Marriage Breakup

When a marriage breaks up there's no question who is hurt the most, not the devastated spouse but the children.  They lose their innocent security.  Every child should be able to count on their home to be a happy, stress free one with both parents working together to make it happen.  When children are torn out of a home life they thought would last forever, they become torn up inside and stop trusting the world around them.  They fear everything will be taken from them.  Who and what will be taken next??

Not many marriages are perfect and some can become unbearable for one spouse or another but, before they end a marriage, they should make damn sure that it isn't fixable.  I believe strongly that the children's needs are so important that even a not so perfect marriage should be held together at least until the children become adults.

I remember a workmate telling me she was going to leave her husband because she couldn't stand the sound of the spoon rattling in his coffee cup.  There was probably a whole lot more bothering her but she darned well should have known him better before marrying him.  In that case there were no children, thank heavens.

Sometimes the grass looks greener on the other side and a spouse will jump willy nilly out of a marriage to give it a try.  And then, sometimes the new, exciting life isn't what she/he thought it would be but the damage is already done to the children.  

So much is lost in a divorce.  Finances can never be enough to give both parents the same standard of living they had before separating and this, too, has a terrible effect on the children.

I guess the point I'm trying to make is that we should be very certain that the person we marry is the one we want to grow old with.  And also, if the marriage sours, be very certain it can't be made acceptable before tearing the children away from one of their parents and disrupting their whole lives.

  

Sleeping A Lot

Since having the skin cancer surgery, I've slept a lot through the day.  My guess is that my body has experienced a trauma and is trying to heal itself.  The problem with all this sleeping is that I was wide awake at 2 A.M. and stayed awake until noon when I began napping off and on for the rest of the afternoon.  I have a feeling I won't sleep well tonight.

It's warm in the apartment, too.  Unlike when I lived in my house, the heat is on here from mid September until the end of May and I can't tell you how irritating that is.  I keep the windows and patio door open almost all the time and have 2 fans circulating the air.  My boys are going to install the window air conditioner soon and that will help but it just seems that having heat on until the end of May is a terrible waste of energy.  There's an old thermostat on the wall but it doesn't work so I can't even turn the damned heat down.  I'll have to talk to the superintendent about it again, I guess.

The dermatologist said she thought she got all of the skin cancer but did say that there is always a 5-15% chance of recurrence.  I've had a few others removed that never came back so I'm hoping this is the end of the one I just had removed.

I went grocery shopping this morning even though I'm a little embarrassed by the biggish bandage on my face.  It was interesting to see who were ignorant enough to stare and it was a few old folks.  I noticed that when John had his leg amputated and we were in a restaurant.  An old lady couldn't take her eyes off him.  He didn't care but I wanted to poke her in the nose.  Little children look at me as though there's nothing different and it's them I'd expect to ask questions.  That wouldn't bother me one bit.

By the way, I'm under stress so I bought cookies.

Nobody Listens

We parents are quick to advise our children on what or what not to do but they usually don't listen to us.  I've been thinking a lot lately about what I wouldn't have today if my children had listened to me all those years ago.

I wasn't crazy about my oldest daughter's first marriage but, if she'd listened to my warnings, she wouldn't have given me my precious grandsons.  I wasn't crazy about my youngest daughter's marriage but it turned out to be 1 in a million and gave me 3 more grandchildren to love.

I've learned that some things are meant to be even if they don't end well.  In my case, I wouldn't change a thing because my children, grandchildren, and greatgrandchildren were all worth it.

Tomorrow, my #1 granddaughter from daughter #2 (I fully approved of her marriage) is coming to visit and I'm looking forward to seeing her beautiful smiling face.  That's how I used to find her when she was playing baseball in the outfield.  I'd look for her big smile.

No, I wouldn't change anything that brought my much loved family to me but I do wish for happiness now and forever for all of them.

   

I'm A Worrier

Worry gets you nowhere but those of us afflicted with the syndrome have no choice.  We worry about everything, especially the things we have absolutely no control over...and maybe that's the problem.  The things in life we can't control seems to go haywire so, of course, we worry.

I want a stable world, a stable family, and a stable life.  I don't want illness, strife, or unhappiness.  I'd also like to win at the casino a bit more often than I do.

I think that only once in my life there was nothing for me to worry about and that worried me so I'm doomed to go through life this way.

I've gotten deeply interested in the universe lately and started to do some research on the galaxies out there.  We on earth are such a teensy speck in the universe that it's silly to even think we might be the only planet with life on it.  I'm hoping the vast expanse of the universe might mean it's where we travel when we die.  Funny, but I don't worry about being dead, just hope the dying isn't too uncomfortable.

When I thought of the universe before, it overwhelmed me so much with unanswerable questions that I had to leave it alone.  Now I'm more curious than overwhelmed.  I've looked at some of the photos taken by the Hubble telescope and they are magnificent to say the least.  I plan on buying 4 photos of some of the galaxies when I go to Florida in the fall and having them "plaqued" (I hope that's the right word).  I'll hang them in the apartment as a grouping so I can enjoy them regularly.  These photos are so beautiful that they fill your mind with joy that something this wonderful exists in our universe.

There's a showing of the Hubble telescope photos at our public library this month so Faye and I are going.  I'm just a little worried that something will come up to keep me away.    

Police Brutality

We definitely live in a country (and world) where there is too much police brutality and we in civilized countries should be doing something about it.  Where there is power there is corruption but that doesn't mean that all cops are bad.  The bad ones are a small minority but they still should be held criminally responsible when they abuse their power.

It really appears as though the young man in Baltimore was somehow murdered by the police but the rioting has taken the emphasis off this terrible deed.  It makes me wonder if the rioting is being encouraged in order to take the spotlight off the real issue.  Most of us have paid more attention to the out-of-control rioters than the fact that a young man has lost his life while in the custody of the authorities.

We have failed to hold police and politicians accountable when one of them goes off the deep end and commits a crime against the public.  There is way too much secrecy and protection by their own people and that is where abuse can flourish.  But we can't tar every cop or politician with the same brush.  At least most cops are good people who live their lives to protect the public.  I don't like politicians so I can't lie and say anything good about them but there just might be a good one somewhere in the pack...maybe.

Being responsible for your actions seems to have disappeared in our culture.  Criminals loudly protest their innocence even when caught red handed.  Government officials often rob the public blind and civil rights groups have forgotten what their mandate is.  We're overloaded with self interest groups who feed at the public trough using our tax dollars to hire inefficient people to perform unnecessary work.  There is little trust any more in how our government is run.

Rioting won't change any of this.  It just takes our attention away from what is really destroying our country and that is the greed, abuse, and inefficiency of those who rule it.  I have a hard time believing it will ever get any better.  I hate to admit that the only way I see to start is by voting for decent representatives.  I don't vote because I haven't found one in years.  

Free speech is the public's only way to bring to light the crimes of their leaders and surely there must be someone like Martin Luther King out there in the throngs of protesters...someone intelligent enough and charismatic enough to inspire followers who can win the war without destroying the world they're trying to save.

Update:  Police officers have been charged in the murder of Freddie Gray.  This is the justice system at work the right way. They'll have a fair trial but, if they're not convicted, I fear more rioters will use this as an excuse to further destroy Baltimore.  We'll see.